The 5 Best/Worst Aspects of Jamie Smith’s Atrocious and Deplorable Dismissal for Marnus Labuschagne’s Despicable Filth

4 minute read
You expect the unexpected in these Ashes, but we didn’t see the prospect of Jamie Smith being edged out by Marnus Labuschagne in any of the previews. Of course, this was gloriously awful cricket overall, but what was the worst (and therefore, in a strange sense, the best) aspect of this instantly legendary moment?

1. It was unnecessary

You don’t need us to tell you that there is no need – absolutely no need – to go to Marnus Labuschagne even at the best of times. Such an outcome is even easier to avoid if he bowls at medium pace. What if he is deliberately bowling bouncers? Well, you really have to go out of your way to ensure your own demise in that scenario. We will return to that last point later.

It’s also worth noting that Joe Root was on the other side. In the previous Test, Root played as Root and made a 15-ball duck, so it made perfect sense that England’s other batters would instead copy Harry Brook, the highest scorer in both teams’ first innings with 41 off 34 balls.

Conversely, Root played like Root in Sydney and was still on the fringe with 129 to his name, so being calm and measured turned out to be a pretty good approach. Even if Jamie Smith didn’t emulate Root’s method, he could have at least tried to stick around and let him continue to be brilliant. That’s really not such an impossible goal if all you have to do is survive a bunch of Marnus half-trackers.

2. It was ugly

All the images we have seen of this wicket are unusually blurry.

We assume this is not an accident.

3. The delivery was completely predictable

A curious consequence of being incredibly well grooved against 85mph deliveries aimed at stumps is that Test batters are actually quite unfamiliar with facing outright cack. This can sometimes become a weakness.

Presented with a long jump of 100 km/h, it can sometimes take a while for a top flyer to detect and activate the relevant neural pathway. As the ball leisurely makes its way toward them, they sometimes discover that there are a multitude of possible shots vying for supremacy, and the disagreements between these courses of action can prevent natural movements and result in an embarrassing downfall.

Let’s be clear: this was not one of those occasions. When he took on the task of skipping the ball straight to a fielder, Smith was not caught off guard by an unexpectedly dreadful delivery that had been teleported in from a backyard cricket match. He knew exactly what was coming. Marnus had just bowled – God help us – four short balls in a row. This was the fifth.

4. It took a lot of effort to bring about failure

As mentioned earlier, Smith really had to go out of his way to lose his wicket to this. First of all, on a very basic level, he first had to decide whether to try to hit the thing.

Marnus’ previous bouncer had been so short that it was called a wide, so we were already in a world where hitting the ball was demonstrably counterproductive. After deciding to do so, Smith then had to actually manage it. Again, it was a very high bouncer, so this necessitated temporarily getting airborne. (There’s no textbook on how to play Marnus Labuschagne’s bowling, but if there were, it certainly wouldn’t start with, “Let yourself get airborne first.”)

After successfully making contact, Smith then managed to lift the ball into the hands of the lone fielder in front of the square on the outside edge.

Job done. A job that was carried out laboriously and unnecessarily.

5. Marnus’ justified celebrations

There’s a TV show called Ultra City Smiths – a stop-motion puppet, dark comedy, detective noir musical.

About 90 percent of the characters are named Smith and they live in a filthy, depraved world where people are forced to sell their pants and where the riverbed is full of weapons thrown away after being used in crimes.

Ultra City isn’t even half as miserable and unpalatable as what Steve Smith and Jamie Smith gave us.

Marnus should not have bowled. Marnus should not have taken a wicket.

The resulting celebrations must therefore surely be the worst aspect of this wicket – although drawing that conclusion rather makes a mockery of our suggestion in the opening paragraph that the worst aspect must surely double as the best.

There is nothing good about Marnus Labuschagne running around looking pleased with himself because his stupid, stupid plan to break into a wicket with military medium half-trackers has been justified. Nothing good at all.