With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, many successful real estate agents across the country will be doing what they do every February: delivering chocolates, flowers, handwritten cards and, in a few ambitious cases, cherry pies to their clients.
And strangely enough… it works.
Not because chocolate makes people sell their houses.
Not because cherry pie unlocks the list inventory.
But because Valentine’s Day appeals to something much older than real estate.
Long before people had open houses, CRM systems, or market reports, we had…grooming.
Anthropologist Robin Dunbar argued that primates use physical grooming to build trust, strengthen social bonds, and maintain group cohesion. It was not hygienic. It was social. Care said: I see you. You matter. You are part of my circle.
The problem, Dunbar noted, is that grooming isn’t scalable. You can only pick fleas, lice, and ticks off the backs of so many friends in a day before your schedule fills up or your arms fall off. (despite how wonderful parasites can be)
So humans have developed something better.
In Grooming, gossip, and the evolution of languageDunbar proposed that language itself emerged as a form of social grooming, a way of maintaining relationships on a large scale through shared information, storytelling, and gossip. Instead of touching each other’s fur, we exchanged insights and context.
(Dunbar, Grooming, gossip, and the evolution of language1996; Wikipedia summary: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grooming,_Gossip_and_the_Evolution_of_Language)
In other words, we built relationships by exchanging useful information.
Same as monkeys, but with better tools.
Evolution
Now fast forward about 50,000 years.
Every year in February, officers hand out chocolates and flowers. In October it’s pumpkins, in November it’s pumpkin pies. Sometimes it is brand specific. Sometimes it’s homemade, sometimes it’s from Costco.
And it works for the same reason grooming worked in monkeys.
Psychologists call it the norm of reciprocitythe deep-seated human instinct to return favors when someone gives us something of value. When people receive an unexpected gift or helpful gesture, they feel a subtle internal pressure to reciprocate later, even if nothing was asked for at the time.
(Cialdini, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion; summary: https://www.simplypsychology.org/reciprocity-principle.html)
It doesn’t make sense. It’s not transactional. It’s a purely social instinct. Your inner monkey is keeping score.
This is where officers quietly go wrong.
Almost every agent says: “We love referrals.”
They say it all year round. They print it on signs, magnets and business cards.
They even cut it into bus stop benches.
They ask for it… without giving anything first.
“Do you know someone who wants to sell?”
“Just checking in.”
“I would really appreciate your referrals this year.”
That’s not relationship building, that’s social cold calling, and it’s just noise.
It violates the oldest rule in human trust formation: don’t ask for favors before depositing value.
That’s why Valentine’s Day gestures work.
They are not salesy, transactional, or asking for anything. They are just small trust deposits.
That’s also why value-first outreach works, while everything else doesn’t.
When someone shares relevant, individualized home information, such as changes in home values, capital growth, price trends in the neighborhood, it doesn’t feel like marketing.
It feels like: “Huh. This person is watching me.” Kind of like the little dose of dopamine you get when you like your Facebook post. That is care in Dunbar’s sense. That’s a trust deposit. Different wrappers. Same brain.
We’ve found that when people respond with questions, they don’t raise their hands for a sales pitch. They are reciprocal. They continue the social exchange.
Still monkeys. Still grooming.
Hopefully, just with fewer fleas and more spreadsheets.
Dunbar’s insight came from observing monkeys, but it was really about scale. People needed a way to maintain thousands of social connections without physical proximity or constant interaction. Language has solved that.
Today, data and useful information serve a similar purpose.
They allow you to stay relevant, helpful, and trusted in many more relationships than your memory or schedule ever could. Just by giving first.
In my experience, most people don’t participate because they are actually ready to buy or sell at that moment.
They engage because they are seen, helped and given something of value.
That’s not marketing, that’s anthropology.
We are still the same social animals as we were 50,000 years ago.
We just traded care for cherry pie, chocolate hearts and personal insight.
And the line hasn’t changed:
When you scratch my back
I’ll scratch yours.
Let me know your tip for instilling trust with prospects in the comments, and please send cake.
Dunbar, R.I.M. (1996). Grooming, gossip, and the evolution of language. Harvard University Press.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grooming,_Gossip_and_the_Evolution_of_Language
Cialdini, R. (2006). Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion.
Summary of the reciprocity principle:
https://www.simplypsychology.org/reciprocity-principle.html
Chris Drayer is co-founder and CEO of Revaluate.
This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of HousingWire’s editorial staff and its owners. To contact the editor responsible for this piece: [email protected].
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