Dear Erik: Should I tell a coworker that many of her colleagues criticize her as selfish and self-centered? She got married a year ago, but didn’t honeymoon because the couple, both in their 40s, had just returned from two weeks in Europe.
Now they’ve decided they want a “dream honeymoon” at a luxury resort. To pay for it, they set up an account on a crowdfunding honeymoon website and let everyone know that they would love it if we all contributed. The items she wants include airline tickets, a rental car, trips, resort fees and cash starting at $75.
I gave her a nice wedding gift a year ago, just like many of our colleagues. We are modestly paid teachers and a trip to South America is way out of our budget.
She has let us know that she is disappointed that we are “stingy” and that she is still nowhere near her goal.
Behind her back, people criticize her for being clueless and ill-mannered, both for asking us to pay for her delayed honeymoon and for criticizing us for not being more generous.
I don’t want to say anything to her (or give her money). But I’m afraid that if I don’t tell her, no one will, and that she will have no idea why she is at risk of losing friends.
Would it be kind to say something? And if so, what should I say? Or should I take the easy way out and remain silent?
– Fellow teacher
Dear teacher: My goodness, was there a sale at the Audacity store? I wonder where some people get that from. It’s fine to make it easy for people to give gifts and show their love, but it’s inappropriate and rude to criticize people for not showing up, especially when a gift has already been given. Wedding fundraising pages are not invoices that require payment under threat of credit destruction.
Sheesh.
While it would be nice to tell her that others are annoyed by her request, I wonder how useful it would be, considering that neither insight nor common sense were on her register. Instead of taking on the burden of communicating the group’s negative feelings, consider simply talking to her about how you feel. If you decide this is a relationship you want to save, tell her you’re happy for her, but it rubs you the wrong way to be called stingy for not giving her a second gift. Hopefully, as a friend, she can listen and adjust her attitude.
Dear readers: On September 10, ‘Loner But Not Alone’ asked for advice on making connections. She was a retired, self-described loner who realized that most of her social connections came through her work. Many of you responded with wonderful, creative suggestions that would surely be helpful to anyone of any age looking for community. I’ve included a few below.
- “Take a look at the list of charities you already contribute to. Some of them may offer volunteer activities where you will find people who share your interests. Working with fellow volunteers has created many new friendships (in the 40s to 90s age range) and has taken me in unexpected directions, for example who would have thought that saving animals could lead to a fellow reader of British mysteries?”
- “There is an incredible network of women’s clubs in America dedicated to community service that began in the late 19th century. Even small communities like mine (population 320) have a thriving, very active club. The national organization, based in Washington, DC, is called the General Federation of Women’s Clubs (gfwc.org).”
- “I have been involved in local theater for decades and I can say that you can meet different people from different age groups and make friendships that will last for years. In addition to acting, there is a huge amount of backstage work that requires volunteers, from costumes to gathering props and designing sets and programmes.”
- “Go where the music is playing, attend the provincial events in the parks, attend festivals that are happening and attend some sporting events at restaurants, sports bars and arenas.”
- “Lifelong Learning Organizations exist in 124 locations affiliated with colleges and universities and are called OSHER Lifelong Learning Institutes.”
- “Find out if your local library has a Friends of the Library group or start one if one doesn’t. Many libraries also have Maker Spaces and classes.”
- “I posted on our Nextdoor website to see if there were any other women over 60 who wanted to meet up for lunch occasionally, etc. I got 56 positive responses! We met in two groups at a restaurant and the group quickly evolved to include a weekly breakfast and a weekly happy hour at local restaurants.”
- “Picking up trash seems disgusting, but it’s a great way to meet neighbors.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him at Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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