It was the night before the ratings, new levels pronounced;
Not a single player rested… Here is my account;
Their grades were done with care by the computer,
Everyone hoped that the NTRP would be fair this year;
While others were all snug in their beds;
Tennis players press ‘reload’ until their fingers all bleed;
Dressed in my Nationals jersey and a cap,
A beer in my hand, no time for a nap,
As we left Orlando there was such a clatter,
The servers slowed down, all hope was shattered.
The appointed hour came and went in a flash;
But nothing was posted, the system had crashed;
My annoyance and fear began to grow:
What is my new rating?!? I just had to know.
When what appeared before my astonished eyes,
But a message to exercise patience, my dear;
Posting new reviews has never been so fast;
All you can do is click again and click again.
Swifter than eagles came the curses;
With swear words shouted in every way blasphemous;
Now captains and rings and bags made of sand;
They would all have to stay up much later than planned.
It’s like this every year, I remember,
The desperate questions, network traffic that crawls;
Like leaves that fly before the wild hurricane;
Texts with results are starting to come in.
That 3.5 who also played in college;
Double expelled from that selection, goodbye and goodbye;
The 3.0 appeal with a ranked junior history,
Only up to 3.5, somewhat of a mystery;
The one year old 4.5 who lost every match,
Reunited with her 4.0 team in no time;
The national champion with an unattractive bump,
leaves with a wave: “See you next year, losers.”
With a wink and a turn of the head,
The insiders of the organization come in handy;
They don’t say a word and go straight to work,
Collecting the best underrates with a grin.
The night is over; the reviews are posted;
“Here’s to another year,” they say as we are roasted;
Save one lonely voice with one last service,
“NTRP for you, it’s what you deserve.”
This site has an annual tradition of posting this parody the day before the USTA NTRP rating adjustments are posted. For logistical reasons I am doing it a day earlier this year. The 2026 USTA NTRP ratings are expected to be released on December 2.
#night #ratings