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Don’t call abusers ‘delightful’: Lilie James’ father’s plea as coroner issues warnings
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Don’t call abusers ‘delightful’: Lilie James’ father’s plea as coroner issues warnings

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This article contains references to domestic violence.
The parents of 21-year-old Lilie James, who was murdered by her ex-boyfriend in a Sydney private school bathroom in 2023, spoke briefly outside court to make a heartfelt plea.
“Please don’t give positive comments or say people are ‘good guys, men, delicious,'” Lilie’s father Jamie James said.
“It’s not acceptable, it’s disheartening and cruel.”
“Lilie’s life has been far too short and not a day goes by that we don’t think of her or wonder what we could have done to prevent this,” Jamie said.

“If it’s been a while since you’ve talked about violence or abuse against women, at home, at work, with friends or in the community, please start that conversation.”

Lilie James was murdered by her ex-boyfriend in 2023 at St Andrew’s Cathedral School in Sydney, where she worked as a water polo coach. Credit: Delivered

Jamie and Lilie’s mother, Peta, was described by NSW coroner Teresa O’Sullivan as “a powerful presence in this court – their love and grief palpable”.

“Peta’s words – that we must teach boys to respect and value women’s opinions and choices, and to accept rejection – resonate deeply,” O’Sullivan told the court as she handed down her findings from the inquest into the deaths of Lilie and her killer, Paul Thijssen.

“I hope that Peta’s message and the lessons learned from this tragedy resonate beyond this courtroom and contribute to meaningful change.”

O’Sullivan’s findings reflected in her formal recommendations the importance of the James family’s request to refrain from “positive” reporting on alleged perpetrators of domestic or gender-based violence.
“Media entities reporting on intimate partner homicides must recognize that describing violence as ‘out of character“…can reinforce unhelpful stereotypes in the community,” O’Sullivan said.

“[It] failure[s] to place such killings in the context of prior coercive control.”

Action is needed against technology-facilitated abuse

O’Sullivan made no recommendations to any specific agency but outlined “lessons to be learned from this tragic case”.
She said education and information are needed to “identify and respond to coercive controlling behavior, especially emerging forms of technology-facilitated abuse.” The investigation revealed that Thijssen used apps such as Snapchat to harass and stalk Lilie in the days before her death.
“Individuals should be encouraged to actively think about their use of technology and the need to share their location with others,” O’Sullivan said, highlighting “the need to target 16 to 24 year olds”.

The coroner also recommended education and programs to increase community awareness, and counseling services that target young men to promote respectful and healthy relationship behavior.

James was 21 when she ended her “brief relationship” with 23-year-old Thijssen, just days before he “murdered Lilie in a bathroom at St Andrew’s with a hammer”.
“There is evidence that Paul physically stalked Lilie seven times, carefully planned his attack and rehearsed the attack in the hours before the attack,” the coroner’s findings said.
“The preparation was calculated and was not a temporary loss of control. It was a premeditated murder.”
James “died of multiple blunt force injuries to the head and neck,” the coroner found.

After James’ murder, Thijssen ‘jumped or deliberately [fell] from the cliff at Diamond Bay Reserve in Vaucluse with the intention of ending his life”.

The court heard “Lilie and Paul are the youngest case” of intimate partner violence murder-suicide in the dataset compiled by the Domestic Violence Death Review Team (DVDRT), established in 2010 under the Coroners Act 2009.
“I conclude by recognizing the alarming and persistent scourge of gender-based violence and domestic violence in Australia,” O’Sullivan said.
“Lilie’s death is not an isolated tragedy; it is part of a devastating pattern of violence against women that requires urgent and sustained action.”
She also acknowledged the grief felt by the parents and families of both James and Thijssen.
If you or someone you know is affected by family and domestic violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732, text 0458 737 732, or visit 1800RESPECT.org.au. In case of emergency you can call 000.

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