If your New Year’s resolution is to broaden your sexual horizons in 2026, then BDSM might be for you.
Maybe streaming the steamy hit romance Heated rivalry on HBO has piqued your interest in exploring the subtle sub/dom dynamics of hockey babes Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov. Maybe you’ve read a novel like Sarah J. Maas’s A Garden of Thorns and Roses series – with its explicit scenes of kidnapping and rough sex – and feeling naughty.
Human sexuality has long included elements of physical aggression and consensual erotic violence.
“No human society has been found in which violence is absent from sexual relations,” writes psychoanalyst Darian Leader in his book Is it ever just sex?
Citing several basic studies of human sexuality across cultures, Leader concludes: “The word ‘force’ is the most common verb to describe sexual acts.” Even the ancient Hindu text the The Kama Sutra describes various forms of erotic violence.
All this mutual violence and role-playing can sound intriguing and intimidating. That’s why I’ve put together a handy guide to BDSM for beginners, based on expert advice and my own experiences.
Step 1: Find out what you like
Many people associate kink and BDSM with taboo, as a kind of maladaptive response to trauma. But that’s not necessarily the case, he said Nora Grossa licensed therapist in California who studied BDSM and kink in graduate school.
Full disclosure: Gross is my friend. She’s also an expert in this field, so I called her to get some insight into why people engage in violent sex in the first place.
“First of all, there doesn’t have to be a dark origin story,” Gross told me. “You can like what you like, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve experienced something traumatic.”
In other words, it’s okay to add something new to your sex life. To figure out what might meet that need, Gross suggested getting started with “microdosing” kinky, sex-positive creators online.
Lina Duin is such a sex expert. The creator of Ask a sub– a podcast, newsletter and Discord community – suggests getting into BDSM slowly. As you search forums, watch videos, listen to stories, tune into your body. Does something give you a tingling or stomach ache?
“You don’t have to be an expert in every facet of [BDSM],” says Dune one podcast episode“But you have to be an expert on yourself… you know what bad feels like for you… And at the same time you know what good feels like for you.”
Remember: negative responses to a particular story about BDSM do not mean that the entire BDSM universe is closed to you. That queasy feeling may be telling you to skip a specific action or context.
Step 2: Do your research
Evie Lupine YouTube series demystifies BDSM 101 topics like BDSM contracts, the ins and outs of sexual punishment, and what a female-led relationship is.
For bookworms, S&M 101: A Realistic Introductionthe New top bookAnd New depth book are often cited on kink forums as useful guides. There is also Hurts So Good: The Science and Culture of Pain on Purposeif you are interested in the why of what drives people to sadomasochism.
Many people, including myself, see the 2002 film Secretary as a romantic and healthy portrayal of a dom/sub relationship.
Step 3: Find a safe playing partner
Finding someone else to explore kink with you may seem cripplingly intimidating. It’s hard to know who to trust as your play partner in such intimate scenes – and no one wants to feel the imperious criticism of normies judging your desires.
The sex educator and expert in the field of BDSM lifestyle Mrs. Angela Valentine proposes to join a space dedicated to connecting people interested in fetish, kink and BDSM.
For her it was Fetlifethe self-proclaimed ‘most popular social network for the BDSM, kink and fetish community.’ Fetlife is a place where like-minded people can find each other, talk about their interests and adventures in kinky sex, and participate in munchies-meetings between kinksters. Typically these take place in public, ‘vanilla’ environments such as pubs or bars, rather than sex clubs.
Felt is another dating app that focuses on creating “more inclusive spaces online and IRL, where everyone can feel safe to express and explore gender, sexuality, and desires beyond the existing blueprints.”
The app allows you to choose wish tags to find people with similar interests, such as #BDSM, #Being a Brat, #Being dominant or #Threeway. I recently used Feeld to meet a sexy Irish man who played out some of my rather satisfying but taboo dom/sub dynamics via iMessage.
Miss Angela Valentine also recommends finding IRL lifestyle and kink clubs. Many cities, large and small, have spaces dedicated to kink and lifestyle.
Gallery Domain 2, in my hometown of Chicago helps maintain a safety culture by vetting new members. Prospective inductees must attend a social newcomer an information session.
While BDSM may have a reputation for being full of creepy, leather-clad freaks, in my experience those who delve into this lifestyle have high sexual literacy and value consent, knowledge and liberation. For beginners, these “pro-kinksters” (Ms. Angela Valentine’s tenure) can serve as SM mentors.
When negotiating and starting a BDSM dynamic with a new person, you can always ask for references from previous partners.
Step 4: Give it a try
BDSM can start with something as simple as the classic blindfold and handcuffs set – a toy that helps you transfer (or gain!) control to a partner.
Play with a simple tap on the back, with your palm or a leather paddle. See how many strokes you can take before you feel the sweaty euphoria of subspace.
When playing, keep in mind that negotiation, hard limits and open communication are essential. Discuss what you want and what you are curious about. Mark prohibited actions that you are fairly certain will be triggering or unpleasant.
For example, you may be interested in hitting, hitting, and other forms of rough behavior, but certainly not in cutting or bleeding.
Once you’ve established trust and boundaries with your play partner, you can let go within the scaffolding you’ve established together. The wide world of latex vacuum cleaners, human cages and electroshock toys awaits!
Step 5: Check in with yourself
Once you’ve tried BDSM, check your feelings.
“Healthy practices require you to be connected to your body, your safety, your desires,” Gross said.
You may find out that BDSM isn’t for you. Or maybe you find that consensual violence has stirred something in you.
Nodding is playing. Roleplaying requires imagination, and it’s often a bit silly. Research shows that most adults do this don’t have enough slack in their lives, and all that play more lowers cortisol levels, activates the release of endorphins and sharpens mental acuity.
Play is particularly biochemically healing if you are neurodivergent.
Autistic people with sensory issues can find the kind of light, airy touch that vanilla sex normalizes to be extremely unpleasant. The heavy touch you experience during impact play, such as hitting or striking, etc., can feel much more pleasant.
Meanwhile, subspace and dom space can be accessed put your mind in a flow state. Like many Reddit users will agreeit is essentially a meditation practice, which is medicinal for people with ADHD.
There is even evidence that BDSM practices may be therapeutic for trauma survivorsGross said. Research on this topic is limited. But reclaiming the sense of objectification that may have happened during moments of trauma, especially within the safe “container” of a BDSM scene, is “transformative for people who have experienced all kinds of abuse or trauma,” Gross said.
Whatever your reason for thinking about BDSM, getting a little naughtier in 2026 can make your life a little more fun.
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