I’ll never forget the day I asked my mother, “Do you know what Dad plans for you when he dies?” He was seriously ill. She was having a hard time.
“Of course,” she replied. But when I asked her for details, she couldn’t deliver.
But she made it abundantly clear: this wasn’t the conversation she wanted to have. I made it even clearer: avoidance was not an option. This is what we did:
1. We had “The Conversation”
I had my mother sit down with my father and we looked at all the financial documents: bank statements, investmentsestate planning, etc. This was definitely not an easy conversation. The nerves were frayed. My mother’s eyes glazed over. My father lost his patience. I kept scratching my wrist (a nervous habit) until it bled. But in the end, my mother knew where every penny was and what agreements he had and had not made.
2. We put together “The Team”.
My father was a real do-it-yourselfer. Mother needed support. First on our list was to hire an estate attorney and together with him, my sister, I and my parents, we created a very good, tax efficient estate plan. We then helped her find an investment advisor and a CPA. Don’t hesitate to interview more than one investment advisor and CPA to find a good match. My mother met with her team regularly until she passed away twenty years later.
3. We have updated documents
We made sure the will, power of attorney and EVERYTHING reflected their latest information and current wishes.
4. We envisioned a future without Dad
My mother started thinking about single life: how much money would she need to live on (a lot); how she wanted her money invested (very conservative); and who would assist her with this (her team).
5. We had regular family gatherings
These meetings, while often emotional, helped get everyone on the same page when Dad was alive. These gatherings included my sisters, husbands, all the grandchildren, and eventually we had great-grandchildren crawling around as well. My father let everyone know his wishes, especially in the areas of philanthropy and keeping the family together. These meetings have certainly brought us closer together.
6. Mother talked to friends
She had several friends who had lost their husbands, so she spoke with them at length. They gave her great advice that really helped her see that life went on, happiness was possible.
Preparing for death
What can you do to be ready for this painful but sometimes unavoidable moment? Preparing emotionally for the death of a spouse is one of the most difficult journeys a person can make. It starts with acknowledging your feelings—sadness, fear, anger, even moments of peace—and letting them coexist without judgment. Understand that these emotions are natural; they are the heart’s way of processing deep love and impending loss. Spend meaningful time together, talking about memories, shared dreams and unfinished conversations. These moments can provide comfort later and provide a sense of closure and continued connection.
It is also vital to build a support system before the loss occurs. Reach out to good friends, family, or a counselor who can listen to you without trying to “fix” your pain. Accept help when it is offered; it doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. Also create space for your own self-care. Gentle walks, quiet reflection, journaling, or prayer can anchor you when emotions seem overwhelming.
Finally, remind yourself that emotional preparation doesn’t mean you love your partner any less; it means honoring both your life together and the life you must continue afterward. Grief will come in waves, but love remains the steady tide beneath it. With compassion and patience, you can deal with loss with grace and strength.
After doing these things, by the time my father died, all my mother had to do was grieve. Every detail was in order. There were no surprises. All papers signed. All important decisions made. Her team was there. Practically speaking, his death was seamless. Emotionally it was tough. But being prepared made it a little easier.
Depending on your stage of life, you may or may not have done these things. However, we all need to think about what happens when our partner dies, because unexpected things happen. What plans do you have for the unexpected or inevitable changes that happen in life?
Barbara Huson is the leading authority on women, wealth and power. As a bestselling author, financial therapist, teacher and wealth coach, Barbara has helped millions of people take control of their finances and lives. Barbara’s background in business, her years as a journalist, her master’s degree in counseling psychology, her extensive research and her personal experience with money give her a unique perspective and make her the foremost expert on empowering women to realize their financial and personal potential.
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