Talking about death does not have to be morbid. If you approach the conversation in the right way, “it wakes us up more for our lives,” says Dr. Shoshana Unger leader, founder of End Well, a non -profit that changes the way people talk about the end of life. “When we avoid this discussion, we will rob ourselves of one of the most clarifying forces of life – and that is the consciousness that our time is finite.”
There are other benefits to plan ahead. Research suggests That the majority of people do not get the care at the end of the lifespan they want: while 80% would like to die at home, for example, only 30% do that. Unger leader has discovered that those who experience the most peaceful deaths are usually those who have had constant conversations with themselves and their families about their wishes, including their values, fears and hope of how they want to be remembered. These discussions’ must be just as usual as financial literacy, “says Ungerleider (another topic that people rarely also discuss). “Embracing mortality is one of the most life -confirming things you can do.”
In the ideal case, these conversations should start in early adulthood, around the age of 18, and continue as the progress of the years and life evolve. We have asked experts to share 10 essential questions to ask yourself – and your loved ones – to plan the end of life.
“Who is your decision maker?”
If you are no longer able to make your own decisions about health care, someone else must do this for you. Every adult has the right to indicate who they want that person is – and if you don’t do it, you will stand that. “That is the most practical and tangible demand and decision that everyone should think about” Five wishes Advance Directive, a simplified legal document that helps people express their preferences. Choose someone you know well, to care and is skilled in making difficult decisions, he advises.
“What is your guidance for living support?”
If you were to approach the end of life, what kind of medical treatment would you like – or would you rather be spared? Your answers will probably vary, depending on the circumstances, Malley notes, so think of some of the most common: when you are close to death; In coma and not expected to wake up or recover; Or suffer from permanent and severe brain damage. You must specify exactly what kind of procedures, devices and medicines you want and that you do not want.
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The way you answer this question will probably differ at the age of 45 compared to 85 years. Malley suggests at least every five years for your plan, as well as when there is a major change in your health.
“What makes you physically comfortable?”
Everyone wants to be treated with dignity at the end of life. To ensure that this happens, you share your guidance for what family members, doctors and nurses can do for you. “Things like:” I want a cool, moist cloth on my head if I have a fever, “says Malley.” I want my hands to be massaged as often as possible with warm oils. ”
When Malley spoke about the wishes of his mother with her, she said she didn’t want to be massaged all over her body because it would make her winding. He asked if she might enjoy hand massages because she always loved manicures. “She said,” Oh, that would be great, “he remembers.” So when my mother approached the end of her life with cancer, we could take care of her hands very well. ”
Making these wishes clear is like “giving an instruction book to the people who love you about how you can take good care of you,” he adds, instead of making them hope they do well.
“Where are the important documents?”
Always ask your family members if they have a will or trust – and if they don’t, it’s time to change that. It is also a good idea to talk through bank accounts, investments and passwords, says Rebecca Feinglos, a certified specialist in mourning support and founder of Grieve Leave, a community that offers funeral support. Make sure you also know who their lawyer is. “It is better to ask at the front, even if it is uncomfortable, because if it reveals something that is not done, you can get it done,” she says.
“What would a good day look like for you?”
Ask this question time and time again – both from yourself and your loved ones. It might be surprising to you about the answer. For example, Feinglos’s grandmother said it went shopping or sat down at home and the birds looked out the window. When she could no longer shop physically, Feinglos brought the spontaneous fashion shows to her.
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If you understand how satisfaction looks, you can make the days of your loved ones as happy and satisfactory as possible. Keep in mind that “a good day looks different over time,” says Feinglos, especially with the progress of age and diseases.
“Which assets are the most important to you, and what do you want to happen to them?”
The deceased father of Feinglos was a world -famous mineral collector and in the run -up to his death the two discussed his wishes for his collection. “We knew what he wanted,” she says, allowing the family to donate the most appreciated possessions of their father to a Harvard museum.
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Your loved ones may not have a museum -worthy collection, but there is a good chance that they will hold something else that is important to them.
For example, Feinglos’s grandmother cherished a special silver wallet. “I only knew it mattered because we had those conversations, and she said,” I really want you to have this, “she says.” “Go get it and let me tell you about it.” “In Feinglos’ own will, she indicates that two of her best friends are responsible for going through all her clothes and wallets. “I know they will understand how much they are important to me and that they will appreciate them,” she says.
“How do you want your funeral or memorial to look like?”
This can be particularly difficult to talk about – but it is “crucial” to ask your family members to ask for their wishes and share your own, says Feinglos. You must also discuss what you want to happen to your physical remains. “If you don’t have those conversations, try to guess what that person had wanted, and it really feels uncomfortable,” she says.
“If you think about the future, what makes you most worried?”
Perhaps the answer will be a burden for family members, dying in pain or being forgotten. “Our fears show us our values,” says Unger leader. Naming them offers your loved ones the opportunity to find out how you can relieve what you are worried about – while UU gives a feeling of comfort and security. Try to be as vulnerable as possible, even if it is difficult: “If you can let yourself go there – even in relation to some of these discussions – it can enable you to know the people in your life even better, which can be inherently useful,” she says.
“What kind of interactions do you want?”
If death looks like hands, do you want people with you? “Do you want them to play music? Do you want photos of your grandchildren? What name do you want to be mentioned?” Malley asks. “Do you want to be visited by a chaplain or your priest or your rabbi or your faith leader?”
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Malley remembers a woman who described her father as the most departing person she had ever met. She assumed that in his last days he would like to surround all his friends – but he said he only wanted a direct family. “We all do our best to guess what our loved ones would like,” says Malley. “But if we ask them, we might actually get different information, and we will gladly do it.”
“What do you want your loved ones to know?”
It can be important for you to encourage love or forgiveness to family members – or to ask forgiveness for times when you hurt them. You may want them to know that you are not afraid of death, or would like to see your alienated children make peace with each other.
Share these wishes with your family members as long as you can still, Malley advises, perhaps during a quiet conversation in a coffee shop or around the dining table. “Everything will be more comfortable than a first aid or the office of a lawyer,” he says.
Remember: by having the difficult conversations early, you eliminate “the chaos that can exist if there is no plan,” says Malley. “Chaos is the last thing families need in a time of crisis.”
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