Gunnel and I were only this weekend and we went to Haga Parken on an excursion. I woke up and thought about beating in the same weekend and what not -inspiring fatigue that hung at home as usual, but then I got a grill of energy and courage. We didn’t have the car either, so we had to drive on a bus like before, it still takes half an hour and she would like to run instead of being in the carriage. But we succeeded and it was very nice. I felt reinforced and as if I created a kind of added value in her youth by being able to do that. To take us with us.
So while I walked through the park on my way home with her asleep in the trolley, I thought of this eternal fatigue. Tired body tired mind. When does a membrane rest? When I travel, they want to maximize both during the small deadline, but also to have time not to emphasize. It’s difficult. And then I woke up a bit in my mind. Why I think that mamahood is so difficult and I think there is a lot in the lack of peace and quiet. That the stress and the button are always there, ready for it. And I have had a lot of uncertainty, chaos and fear in my life. Because I worked through therapy and others, but also by finding my calmness. To cherish my space. Be afraid of my energy. Clean and Bona. Raw about myself. And now I can’t do it anymore. I don’t get to my protective mechanisms that makes me feel good. And I don’t feel well in the Stoop chaos, but I don’t have the energy to spend all the free time to repair it.
That time at home or with a gun is associated with stress for the body. And that is the feeling that I flee to slow down. The person I have to have lunch or swim to get away from me. And it will be very sad. She is not stress, but all responsibility, the fast pace and having a constant control is stress. And I am not startled in my own calmness, which is completely shock resistant to it. Usually I can pretend to be calm, but the soul is worried.
But then I wake up in the morning for a hug, a “hello mother” as if I am the whole center of her life and joy and it actually moves me.
Yesterday I still spent time cleaning and sorting. To repair in her play corner next to the couch. Do fun. Stack the puzzle, make the place cozy and playful. And don’t always escape TV like my only calmness. And she started to place puzzles and play with her toys. Have a tea party. And a small quiet incident. At the moment anyway.
Although she is not allowed to sleep at all in the days, she still does not fall asleep until 21: 30-22. And I think of the difference when she fell asleep 20 or earlier. That little lead in a little time to restore both the house and the energy.
If she doesn’t sleep at all in the days, all chaos is because she is so constant in gas. But during the process I can still see a light in the tank. Hoping it one day.
I now went on lunch and my whole body hurts. There is still concern after that unpleasant discussion at work.
And then I feel that I am going to the country even more, have ceramic courses and give this part of my life all the focus. Not from the grid but from other jobs and obligations. That this is where my energy is from the heart. In the clay and conversations with you. The place where I feel that I somehow benefit and perform a function. And to do it in the presence of goodness and the beautiful.
It would have been a dream and maybe it will be a day. There are conversations about a pop -up here for Christmas. And it would have been fantastic if you wanted to get there. Meet and talk Irl. And to share one of my most important love with you, my ceramics. I have to give it more time because it gives me everything back.
It is as if my entire system is looking for and healed. Trying to find a path that is mine. And to be friendly to myself en route.
Sometimes my worries from the past become so clear. And I feel with massage, reflection and now try to be afraid of mine, to be present at a Gunnel, but also to try to tackle the house, so I knock myself. And I need it. Because there is a lot of loneliness in the inner thoughts. Where only my sister can understand. And in fatigue I don’t get the same power to be past the difficult.
But I see and try it. And will.
#hold #September