WHen Shari Leiden was a teenager on his way to university, she proudly chose a vanity plate on her Mazda 323 Hatchback that was a short version of one of her most used words: “whatever. “
Now, decades later, she has a different picture of how degrading it is to conclude a conversation with such a casual snide remark. It is, she has been determined, the only word that even the strongest ties can break through – a word – she has had to learn to suppress herself in the interest of maintaining healthy relationships.
The problem with ‘whatever’
“Whatever” is a “fight word,” says Leiden, a friendship expert who is the author of books, including The 50/50 Friendship current– And it’s an unripe. “People stop and notice it,” she says. “It’s in your face, and there is something that feels humiliating.”
Brushing up a conversation with “whatever” escalates the tension in the conversation, whether you talk to a friend, family member or the employee of the customer service who does not accept your return. It is not only passive-aggressive, but it shows indifference or a lack of respect. Moreover, it leaves no room for a continuous discourse. “Whatever” is such an easy way out – it is not going on with the conversation, “notes Leiden. “It’s almost like saying” Keep your mouth shut. ” What do you go with that conversation? “
Read more: How to know if your friendship is toxic – and what you should do about it
Perhaps that is the reason why people on the receiving side often report a physical reaction: they can die back, leads leading, as if they have been beaten, while the tension stimulates and they realize that their friend is good to treat them in a rough, snarky way.
“It is very selfish to say,” says Leiden. You indicate that you “don’t care about their feelings. It cuts someone off. It’s a hierarchy. It is a way to say:” Go ahead and give your opinion, but it doesn’t matter. “
What to say instead
During a recent disagreement with her friend, Leiden was hit with a temporary impulse to tear a “something”. She opposed the urge and told him instead: “I can’t talk about this now.” Whatever type of situation you are, you can also buy time. “I need a moment,” for example, works well if you are strengthened that otherwise you might say something that you will regret. “Even if they turn on the fight, the lasting impact of something like that may not be what you want to say in the heat of the moment,” she says.
Read more: 8 things to say during a fight with your partner
Taking a beat before you respond to a friend or partner is a learned response, says Leiden, and it is not always easy. With practice you can react calmer and less negative. “The more we practice this reaction – especially when someone comes into our face or says something that we don’t like – the better we get it,” she says. “We can come back stronger and have faith in what we say.”
You are probably not the only person to take a break: your conversation partner can also benefit from time apart. “It brings you control again,” says Leiden. Now that she is in fifty, she knows exactly what her vanity plate would say if she happened to order a new one: “To breathe. “
Are you wondering what to say in a difficult social situation? E -Mail timetotalk@time.com
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