The most poisonous communication living at Love Island Season 7

No more screaming after receiving a text, no more bomb, no more dramatic fire: Love Island USA‘s scandal loaded seventh season was closed after crowning fan favorite’ Amaya Papaya ‘and her Beau Bryan as winners of this year.

For six weeks the show gave millions of people something to talk about – including how the islanders talked to each other. Forget Mindless Summer Entertainment: it was a lesson in how to communicate (not).

We started a few experts for a chat and asked what communication they would vote from the island – and why.

Reflexive Defensivity

Saba Harouni Lurie, a wedding and family therapist in Los Angeles, felt “very anxious” for a large part of season 7. It was partly due to all the drama that was activated by the way in which the islanders communicated. “You see so much good in everyone, and so much potential, and you want them to find what they are looking for,” she says. “It is so painful if they are unable to have the conversations they may need to deepen or restore a relationship from a kind of break.”

The worst communication living that Lurie has been observed is reflexive defensivity: an immediate, usual tendency to become defensive on the least hint of criticism, even when the feedback from the other person is valid. It can manifest itself as the tendency to refuse misconduct or responsibility, shift the debt, minimize the impact of an action or simply withdraw. This knee shock reaction was a recurring theme between couples and friends throughout the season, Lurie notes, including Huda and Jeremiah, Chelley and Ace, Amaya and Zak, and Ace and Austin, among others. “People became defensive very quickly when they were called in a conversation or received feedback,” she says. “Their immediate impulse was to protect themselves and to defend themselves.”

Read more: 8 things to say during a fight with your partner

Defensivity concludes conversations, inhibits curiosity and reconnection, and escalates friction, says Lurie. It leaves little room for understanding or repairing – and stands in the way of open, honest communication that a relationship must thrive. “It can make it very difficult to connect or reconnect if someone is really defensive,” she says. “It creates distance and leads to more conflicts, not to resolution.”

Why does it happen?

We all want to see ourselves in a positive light, says Lurie, and it is painful to hear that people are disappointed in or frustrated with us. Even if someone thinks about how he communicates negative feedback, this can activate a defense mechanism. If you suspect that you have a tendency to reflect, spend some time on reflecting, Lurie suggests: Journal about disturbing interactions, tries to take on the perspective of the other person, and ask someone that you are close by that you noticed that you were quickly to become defensive.

Then make a point to delay during difficult conversations. Instead of saying something you will regret or storm – a trace of blasphemy in your wake, a la Huda – tell your partner that you hear them, but that you need some time before you respond.

If you are on the receiving side of a defensive attack, imagine in the meantime to take a breath break, Lurie advises: “Can we take a break? This does not seem productive. Let’s take some space and talk about it later.”

Toxic interruptions

The communication living that Joy Parrish annoyed the most this season was the tendency of the islanders to talk about each other war-carrying and very poorly timed moments. For example: interrupt apologies. Who could forget the time that Huda tried to apologize at Chelley afterwards Things take a step too far In the heart rate challenge? Chelley cut her from the center of the sentence and told her that she had to ‘manage’ it, which prevented the closure and raised the tension over the island.

“What is that going to do for the two of those who move forward if you put an example if I try to apologize, will I be cut off?” Says Parrish, a therapist and senior therapy manager at Headspace. It creates a harmful precedent: “Well, I’m just not going to try it anymore. ‘

Read more: The best way to interrupt someone

Many of the islanders also cut each other off during times of vulnerability. During the “stand on business” challenge, for example, when Amaya became emotional After reading hard feedback about themselves, several islanders raised their voices and interrupted her attempts to explain themselves. Similarly, when Chris opened up to Huda about his problems with their lack of PDA, she cut in immediately – and therefore he never felt heard. “She had this hot-potato situation in which she did not like his upset, and so she tried to repair it immediately,” says Parrish. “What she should have done is with that discomfort.”

Instead, the conversation became a battle for louder and faster. “You could see Chris close because there was no room for his feelings at that time,” says Parrish. “That is what makes cutting someone so harmful: it does not interrupt the sentence alone. It interrupts the emotional safety of the relationship.” In this way Communicating sends a clear message, she adds: “What you have to say is not as important as what I have to say.”

Interruptions often occur in the therapy of couples. Sometimes they are such a problem that Parrish Talking contrasts: you cannot speak unless you hold the stick. Not everyone needs it, but some couples simply cannot abandon the interruption of each other.

Read more: 8 ways to respond when someone interrupts you

If you can intervene at an onoeffune moments, Parrish recommends to train yourself to count to two before you respond. Then think back about what you heard: say something like “It sounds like you are feeling …” will show the other person that you are listening. It is also a good idea to ask soft clarifying questions. Ask him instead of cutting your partner: “Can you say more about that?”