As for the ending, it ended beautifully. People flocked to the Sydney Cricket Ground as they wanted to get close to the trophy presentation and gallop on the grass. Nothing thrills an audience more than the chance to take the stage. On a sunny, blue-sky day, the match ended early enough that there was still plenty of afternoon left. Later, Usman Khawaja recorded that with his own group of family and friends, on his last day as a Test player.
These endings are supposed to mark the end of something important. Another Ashes completed, a new chapter written in the rivalry. But once it was done, it all felt like it was more of a hole than a donut.
It’s not because it wasn’t an exciting series; we’re past that, no one has seen one in Australia in 50 years. This was more about the quality of performance. The media caravan arrived in Perth after months of build-up, driven by the media but also by public interest. We counted down, we prophesied, we prognosticated, we threw bones and read entrails, we upended coffee cups, peeled salamander skins and sketched the fine traceries of a bat’s wing. Finally, once that was all done, it started. And 31 hours later it was over.
That meant another eleven days of waiting and wondering before a pink-ball spank-a-thon took place in Brisbane, the outcome of which was decided after two and a half days, even though it took four days to play out. Adelaide went the distance but still conceded a cavalcade of wickets before another two-day embarrassment for all involved in Melbourne.
England arrived like a rabble. Whether it was in the back of the mind or the back of the throat, the entire era of Brendon McCullum and Ben Stokes had this journey as its end point. Selections and mindset work were aimed at this. And when the mission was finally done, they approached winning in Australia the way a rich kid approaches getting into Harvard: write KENNEDY on the admissions essay and assume things will work out. After years of talking about attitude, ethos and philosophy, about how positive they would be in their cricket, this couple didn’t spend a minute thinking about how to play it in another country. What do you mean we didn’t win, you don’t know who we are?
The thing is, Australia wasn’t much better. Certainly not 4-1 better. The bowlers saved the day along with Alex Carey, Travis Head played a blinder, Steve Smith came good when it was over. The rest was the definition of mediocre. England were blamed for the two-day matches, but they could not have happened without both teams collapsing. When batting conditions became difficult, the shared attitude was that it was unreasonable to try to stay in. Under better conditions, Australia’s higher scores depended on luck. As poorly as England batted and bowled, they might still have won if they had kept their catches. Australia was there for the taking, but it was not taken.
Which of the teams had an average above 40? Head, Smith, Carey, Jacob Bethell, Joe Root. Harry Brook somehow came close while playing match-losing shots in each of the first three Tests. Every other specialized bat had an average of 18 to 27. Mediocrity was the norm. These were teams that mysteriously conspired to enable Brydon Carse to first play five Tests and second to take 22 wickets, the most for an Englishman in Australia since Jimmy Anderson in 2011, despite bowling largely like a drain.
Even the management seemed ad hoc. These were teams who picked part-time spinners at eight o’clock after being startled by a delivery that produced 1,454 runs. These were teams that shook up their batting orders like microwave popcorn. Khawaja was an opener who ultimately never opened, but had a couple of hits at No. 4 and No. 5. Josh Inglis floated around at No. 7 like a no-holds-barred hitter, behind the keeper.
Cameron Green had to play every Test regardless of runs. Ollie Pope was forced to play three, despite sliding around the crease as anxiously as a horse on skates. England’s only choice to replace a makeshift No. 3 was a makeshift No. 3. Bethell’s eventual selection with no first-class career to speak of will be regarded as the tour’s success story: yes, he played a delightful innings and he can continue to confound convention. It’s also true that betting your car on a hand of blackjack doesn’t become a good approach to car financing just because you draw an ace next to a photo.
If this all sounds negative, it is. There were players who were honorable exceptions, there were fun moments, and there was an overall standard that was lower than you might expect. In dozens of conversations with spectators during the last two Tests, a repeated adjective ‘unfulfilled’ was mentioned, unprompted. Nearly a million people went to the trouble and effort to go and watch the best one, but didn’t get it. More than a million would have gone, which would break every series record, if seven matchdays had not been lost. No Ashes can be played to a formula, but this should go down as one that was missing something central. It can’t all be about endings.
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