The best and worst things to say to someone who has only diagnosed cancer

When Katie Thurston was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer earlier this year, people continued to tell her at the age of 34 that they knew someone with the same diagnosis. Solidarity, you might think. A useful way to relate. Not exactly: their friend or family member had died.

This scenario is “quite recurring,” says Thurston, who played in season 17 of The bachelorAnd although people have good intentions – they want you to know that they have experience with what you are going through – the comment does not land well. “We understand that death is a possibility in this diagnosis,” she says. “I don’t have to hear that.”

Thurston has been the end of a lot of outreach and opinions since she shared her diagnosis of breast cancer – of strangers online, as well as people she knows in real life. Although the dead -related stories are particularly painful, there are many other comments that are not useful.

Communication slip-ups in this area are common, experts say. When a loved one is diagnosed with cancer, people often have trouble finding out how to express their support, so that they stumble over their words or not stop it to say anything. “The data I have to support are all people in my office who say:” People don’t know how to talk to me, “says Felicity Harper, a clinical psychologist at Karmanos Cancer Institute in Detroit.” It is very difficult, unless you have experienced it or have a frame of reference, to really know what to say. You don’t want to say the wrong thing, but you don’t know what is the right one. “

This is what you should avoid when you talk to someone with the diagnosis of cancer – and what you should say instead.

Make real and useful contact

If you hear about the diagnosis of a friend or family member, you can’t tell how sorry you are. “They are going to hear that a million times,” says Harper. But “nobody is Sorrier to hear that cancer is diagnosed with them than the cancer patients themselves.”

Instead, she recommends formulating your message as follows: “I have heard about your diagnosis. I think of you and I am here for you.” It is also useful to add that you do not expect a response – or to simply prepare for not receiving. “If you are sick and you get all these cards or texts, you feel great, but you don’t want the pressure to have to respond to everyone,” says Harper. If you haven’t heard anymore: “Take another few weeks or a month out. It’s just consistent.”

Do not respond with toxic positivity

The no. 1 complaint that Harper hears of cancer patients is that other people try to tell them how to feel – and that it is inevitably thinking positively. “You’re going to beat this!” They can say. “Don’t worry. You just have to stay positive.” People often assure Thurston that everything happens for a reason or promise that everything will be fine. “It is almost the reality and emotions that a cancer patient is going through,” she says.

Having cancer means tackling a series of emotions, sometimes all within the same hour: fear, fear, hope, uncertainty, disappointment and anger, only for starters. “If someone is struggling, our tendency is often to want to repair things and say,” Oh, don’t feel bad “, while really what they need is room to feel their feelings,” says Harper. The patients she sees often tell her that they feel that they are doing their cancer experience wrong because they cannot remain positive – which makes them feel guilty or as if they fail. That is exacerbated by comments such as: “If you just thought positively, you would do better”, or tell someone that their stress makes them sicker.

Read more: 10 ways to respond to someone’s bad news

Instead, Harper advises a point to listen without judgment. Instead of making them too invalid by trivializing the seriousness of the situation, you support loved ones by telling them: “Gosh, that sounds scary. That must be so difficult.” Then stay on their side while they experience the whiplash of those ever -changing emotions.

Although it may feel a challenge, it is the key to give your loved one the space to talk freely about what they want – even the particularly hard things. If a cancer patient’s disease reaches an advanced stage, the people closest to them are also scared, so they try to conclude those conversations: “You don’t have to think about your funeral plans.”

“We have to find a way to let that patient talk about it, and maybe that means we have to talk to someone about our own feelings,” says Harper. “That is for us to handle separately.”

Check before offering advice

People with cancer are often fed up with their loved ones who tell them what to do. The word “would” come up a lot, says Harper: “You should see this doctor! You have to try that treatment plan! You have to put these supplements on autoship.” Translation: “I don’t trust that you get good care, or that you know enough about what is best for you.”

In general, it is a good idea to offer solutions, well -intended as they can be. “The thing I always say to patients is, you can tell those people:” Look, if you have had cancer, you can come back and tell me what to do, “says Harper.” Until then, it is best to make the patient the expert in how they feel, “and the ways in which they manage their illness.

Read more: How you can make contact again with people you care about

Although unsolicited tips are not always welcome, Thurston appreciates when people open such a conversation: “If you want to hear some advice, let me know. Or, if you want help in investigating a specific topic regarding your diagnosis, I am here.” In other words: “I want to help you get information, but only if you are ready to accept it or want help in investigating it.” That makes it much tastier, she says, and she has taken loved ones on the offer.

Avoid a litany from other useless remarks

When the conversation runs until appearance and cancer related changes, some people say: “It’s just hair. It will grow back.” “But the thing is, it’s just her until it happens to you,” says Thurston, who documents her medical journey through an Instagram group that she called the boobie broadcast. “This is not a bad hairstyle. This is a very emotional and physically difficult time, and we must be careful with such comments.”

Many breast cancer patients undergo a breast amputation, in which the whole or part of the breast is removed and can be followed by the reconstruction to rebuild the breast shape. Some people jump over this when making a conversation. “I think people try to be optimistic on our behalf, so they will say that these light -hearted comments like:” Oh, it is at least a free boobbaan, “says Thurston.” Oh, you get a free belly wall correction. “And although they mean well, it’s not free.

Read more: The race to explain why more young adults get cancer

The subject of family planning is also full of landmines. Thurston was pronounced about undergoing IVF before he started treatment as part of her fertility retention plan. It is an incredibly sensitive subject, she says, and she has already heard a lot of useless feedback, such as people who tell her that she can always promote or adopt. “A lot goes to IVF, and I don’t know where I will be physically, emotional and financial if that doesn’t work for me,” she says. “To easily say:” You can always adopt ” – It’s not that easy if you sound it and you believe the whole experience I go through when it comes to IVF.”

Thurston recommends having the person with cancer guided these conversations – and if you dare in the subject, to ask questions such as: “How much do you want to talk about it?” She has met people who are really sensitive to the situation and ask if it is OK if they bring their children to places where she will be. “Sometimes it can be activated to even see a baby,” she says, and when people are aware of it, their thoughtfulness goes a long way.

Stand not standard for silence

Not everyone says the right thing when they try to support someone with whom is just diagnosed with cancer. But saying something – even if it’s not perfect – is better than nothing to say. “I don’t think people know what to say or that they feel uncomfortable, but I prefer someone to stumble on their attempt to talk about it, versus nothing to say,” says Thurston. “He hurts the most, and I don’t think people realize it.”

If you are not sure what to say, your friend will tell you exactly. Thurston recommends adding: “I may have trouble with this conversation. Help me navigate – help me understand.”

Many of Harper’s patients say they have learned who their real friends were after they were diagnosed with cancer. Some people in their network came up and were present; Others disappeared, perhaps because they didn’t know what to say or did not know that their voice would be missed. Checking in things, Harper Stress, and not just at the start of treatment. As soon as active care ends, “people assume that you are doing well, and they will never ask it again,” she says. “But patients are about the effects of cancer treatment long after treatment treatment” – not to forget that those who have metastatic disease must manage it in the long term.

Read more: 10 questions to help you plan the end of life

If your mommy stays because you don’t want to bother your friend, reconsider. Thurston immediately suggests to ask: “Do you want me to check over your diagnosis? Do you want me to check in about your life? How much do you want this for you, versus it is a side issue?” Talking about cancer is so emotional, she adds that sometimes she just wants to talk about reality -tv, the restaurant she went to or her dog last weekend – different.

Harper guesses patients about how they can set limits on their illness. Some get the habit of saying, “I don’t want to talk about it – if I want to, I’ll bring it up.”

“Sometimes cancer has to be on the back-purner,” says Harper. “It doesn’t have to be your entire identity – sometimes you just want to remember how your life was before.”

Offer practical, specific help

If you want to do something to alleviate the tax on a cancer patient, consider the people closest to them – a parent, brother or sister or spouse – how you can best be useful. Say it this way: “The church is thinking about setting up a meal train for the family. Is that something that you think is good?”

Try to offer practical support, such as setting up a gas money fund, building a wheelchair ramp connected to their front door, offering childcare or planning a held visit once a week, says Harper.

Thurston likes when people make specific offers to help, such as telling her that they want to give dinner and then ask if she prefers drop-off Thursday or Friday. Whether someone could reach and say that she would like to take her to her next oncology appointment. “That action items of offering support make such a huge difference,” she says. “For some people it can feel small, but for a cancer patient it really has such a positive impact.”