A lot of people have told us that the rest of us are good players, but they think they’re ruining the sound of it. We agree, but we love this sweet lady very much, and no one wants to hurt her feelings by asking her not to play. We also don’t want to alienate her husband as he is a core player and leader of the group.
Are there any suggestions for gently telling her to learn to play or to stop trying?
– Not in the band
Best band: You have described your group as informal, open to all skill levels, and welcoming to all, but you want to impose additional conditions on one person’s participation. So, is it welcome or not?
Now, I’m not unsympathetic to what you’re experiencing. You play music for the pleasure of making and the pleasure of performing. So someone who doesn’t play in harmony (pun intended) with the rest of the group can disrupt or change the experience.
On the other hand, it is likely that she has a very different expectation from the group, namely that it is a place where you can come as you are and play as you want. So you can ask her if she is open to feedback about her playing. Of course, she could say “no thank you.” But if she has an interest in improving, be prepared for the actual steps she might take, whether it’s switching instruments, taking lessons, or something else.
More generally, the group must decide whether to use different rules or not. Your relationship with this woman and her husband will remain fraught if you view this group as “for everyone,” but “everyone” has an asterisk.
Dear Erik: I became a widow two years ago after a long and happy marriage. I have a surviving son who is married and lives about 80 miles away in another state.
I rarely see my son; when I see him it’s always just for the holidays. We talk on the phone regularly and he asks for money even though he receives a grant from our family fund.
He often changes last minute plans around the holidays, for which I go out of my way to prepare, shop, cook, decorate. I am never invited to their home. Our visits are cordial but short.
They canceled last Christmas due to illness and came the following weekend. I had cooked his favorite holiday dishes. When they came, we went to a restaurant. We had a chat during the meal and the rest of the time he was scrolling on his phone.
At one point I very kindly asked him to put the phone down and talk to me. That lasted a few minutes and then he continued scrolling.
I miss him, I miss seeing his face and getting a warm hug. I thought we had formed a strong family bond. Should I just accept the status quo or try to have a meaningful conversation with him? I don’t want to push him away.
– Lonely mother
Dear mother: Try to have a meaningful conversation. Asking for what you need from loved ones can be a real gift. It tells them where you are and how they can show their love to you more effectively.
If you do, start with “I” statements, just like you did here: I miss you, I would like to be closer, would it be possible to… (and then make a specific suggestion about something you would like to change).
It would also be helpful if you thought about what you expect from your relationship with your son. I don’t think what you want is unreasonable in any way, but from your description it seems that his actions are dismissive and disrespectful.One way to combat rejecting behavior is to set an internal boundary. For example, you may decide that you won’t make his favorite food for the next holiday because he has a habit of canceling. And it’s okay to tell him that too. If he wants the food, he can change his behavior and then you can decide whether that change motivates you to start cooking again.
You don’t have to settle for your son’s crumbs of attention. By asking for more, you might even get more.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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