Predicting the future: Here’s a list of things that will happen before the Blues win the Central Division again.

On Friday night, a huge bombshell hit the hockey universe: Quinn Hughes, arguably the second-best defenseman in all of hockey (I’d argue Cale has established himself as the distant No. 1 at this point), was traded from the Vancouver Canucks to the Minnesota Wild. This move was unprecedented for two reasons. First, it’s not often a clear No. 1 defenseman who won the Norris two years ago is traded. Secondly, it seems like my dog ​​could have told you at this point that he was going to New Jersey to join his other star brothers Jack and Luke.

But alas, big-ball Billy Guerin from Minnesota delivers a stunner. Not just acquiring a bona fide superstar defenseman and HOFer in Quinn Hughes, but doing so without giving up hardly anything.

If you’re a Wild fan, you should piss yourself with joy right now. Throughout the 2020s, the Wild were the Central’s competent little brother behind giants like the Avs, Dallas, Winnipeg (until Hellebuyck fouled himself in the first round of the playoffs, as is tradition), and before our collapse that began in 2021, the Blues. Speaking of which, as a blues fan we are so fucked.

In a division where our league has legitimate league-level top 15 players left and right like Nate Mackinnon, Cale Makar, Miro Heiskanen, Connor Bedard and now Quinn Hughes, our roster can’t even smell the farts of our competition. If you’re reading this and aren’t fully aware of how good the Central Division is right now, let me put it into perspective for you by listing a few things that will happen in the future before the Blues win another division title (unless we secede to another division, or ask to become the University of Notre Dame of the NHL and be that weird loser in another division that no one likes).

1. Whatever species Elon Musk is, he will eventually return to Earth to pick up his ambassador, sending Tesla’s stock price down to $5. I’m not saying I’m a fan or a hater of Elon, but you can’t look at that man and see how much smarter he is than the rest of us peasants and tell me he’s human.

2. People who run marathons and talk about them all the time will eventually be forced to live on their own island, which will lead to instant world peace around the world. I think this might be needed sooner than we think, so this is an easy one.

3. Hangovers are instantly cured with magic pills.

4. Jennifer Aniston will finally no longer look incredibly hot at the age of 107. At 56, Rachel has gone from friends to a Nolan Ryan-level fastball.

5. Humans will attempt to cure Alzheimer’s using primate DNA, which will then backfire horribly and cause all-out war between humans and apes.

6. A gifted slave boy is discovered and trained by an order of mystical peacekeepers. Falling prey to dark forces, he becomes a feared warrior who serves an evil emperor as a democratic government collapses into a tyrannical regime. Decades later, his son discovers his origins and joins a resistance movement fighting the authoritarian empire. Together with a smuggler and a rebel princess (who turns out to be his twin sister), the young hero helps destroy a planet-killing superweapon. He confronts the dark warrior, learns that he is his father, and redeems him through their final battle. The corrupt warrior kills the evil emperor before he dies, restoring balance to a mystical energy field that binds the galaxy.