My daughter may have hundreds of half-siblings. I feel extremely guilty for this

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If my husband and I had known the pain with the help of a sperm donor would cause one of our children, I’m not sure we ever would have done it.

Following our have difficulty getting pregnant Naturally, we looked for a sperm donor at a well-known fertility clinic.

There were no laws regarding a maximum number of families to which one donor’s sperm could be donated, but we thought the sperm we used would be used by up to twenty families.

We also believed that our daughter and son, born in 1992 and 1994, were conceived with the same sperm.

The two of us kept the fact that our children were conceived by donors a secret from everyone, including them.

We debated whether we should tell them, but ultimately we felt it was better for them not to know.

Queensland’s laws at the time kept donors anonymous, so we thought it would be harder for the children to know a biological father but never get the chance to meet him.

Perhaps we were naive to think that the laws would remain the same and also failed to anticipate technological advances. The 1990s were a time when accessible DNA testing (via at-home kits and online ancestry databases) was unheard of.

And so we kept this secret for almost three decades.

Tell the truth

But in 2022, two things happened around the same time that led us to reveal the truth.

First I read an article in the newspaper that politicians were working to change Queensland laws to remove donor anonymity. And second, our daughter and son said they both had their DNA tested to help a family member with the family tree.

We knew we had to tell our 28-year-old daughter and 26-year-old son the truth about their biological father.

I was incredibly nervous, but also relieved that everything would soon be public.

Ultimately, our son was unfazed and didn’t want to know more information.

But our daughter Lyndal was devastated.

A new reality

To make matters even more complicated, the results of the DNA test then came back.

The results revealed something that was new information to all of us.

Our son and daughter were biological half-siblings and had different fathers.

I contacted the clinic to ask how my children could have different biological fathers when we believed they were conceived from the same sperm donor.

I received confirmation that different sperm donors had been used.

I also discovered that Lyndal’s donor had donated his sperm over 300 times at various clinics.

This was a lot for all of us to process, especially Lyndal.

Each revealed truth about her genetics caused her more suffering, which caused me more anxiety.

For her, I believe the worst part was that she could have hundreds of half-siblings.

The worst part for me was that my desire to have children indirectly caused suffering to one of them.

Possibly hundreds of half-siblings

As long as I wanted children, I also longed for grandchildren. I love being a mother, and I was eagerly looking forward to being Nana.

My career also took place in early childhood, and my daughter always said to me, “As soon as I get pregnant, you move in with me.”

But that all changed with the new reality that she potentially had hundreds of half-siblings.

She says she fears her children are at risk of dating biological cousins ​​they were unaware of.

This is one of the reasons why she is adamant about not having children.

So there will be no grandchildren of Lyndal.

I understood the fear and trauma, but I was still completely devastated. Not only for me, but also for her and her husband who have to miss parenthood and their own grandparenthood.

They would have been the most wonderful parents.

My son’s donor appears to have donated less, as shown by the far fewer matches in the DNA database.

So maybe there will be grandchildren from him. But of course it will be up to him and his partner.

‘I still feel guilty’

At the time, I thought I would be unhappy for the rest of my life if I didn’t have children.

But ironically, our decision, combined with a confusion that I still don’t fully understand, caused my daughter a lot of pain.

And I’m angry that hundreds of donations from the same donor have affected hundreds of people conceived with that sperm.

Having children has been the greatest joy of my life. I love them both so much and am so proud of them.

But I still feel guilty that my desire – my need – for children led to these consequences.

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