Best Miss Manners: Our group of friends is about 15 people. We have known each other for more than three decades.
On the other side of the group is a few that we only see when the entire group meets.
We love entertaining and have invited this few for years. They have never accepted our invitations, although they accept invitations from others in the group. In some cases they are “no”, and others do not answer at all.
Finally, we organized a party and decided not to invite them. The whole group came together a few days before our party, and several people spoke about how much they were looking forward to it – did not realize that two attendees did not receive an invitation.
Suddenly I felt that we were doing the wrong by not inviting them. On the one hand, I thought it might not be harm to send an invitation if you know they will not come anyway. On the other hand, we have finite space, we buy food and supplies, and I prefer to invite people I know they will come.
Some of me also feel that you do not get the courtesy of an invitation if you never show or if you repeatedly fail to RSVP.
Soft reader: Listen to that last part of you.
Miss Manners ensures that the repeated violation of not answering an invitation does not justify not to get another.
She also suggests that you are careful with the excuse that they will not come if you invite them. Too many wedding guests rely on that logic and suffer from the consequences when they incorrectly guess.
Had the couple or someone else indicated in that pre-party meeting at the omission-or if the tension was felt enough, you might be said: “Lacey and Doug, you never seem to be able to attend our parties, so I didn’t want to burden you with an invitation.” It sounds like it didn’t happen there, but it is for recording if it does.
Best Miss Manners: What is the polite, friendly thing to do if one has to miss a funeral for reasons such as illness or injury?
My aunt’s mother has just died and the funeral will be in a few days. However, I came to a bad cold and in the interest of not making others sick, I am not planning to be present unless I recover much faster than expected.
I want my aunt know that I give enough to be present, but I don’t want to make this about me. Is a text suitable? A note after the funeral?
Soft reader: Assuming that you have already written a condolence letter, a phone call would be more personal than a text – and then more polite than a note, if everyone wondered where you were.
“I’m so sorry that I can’t be present, but I’m afraid I have a terrible cold and I don’t want anyone to catch it,” you could say. It goes without saying, Miss Manners hopes that for obvious reasons you use hyperbool (for example, “I feel sick”).
Send your questions to Miss Manners on her website, www.missmanners.com; To her e -mail, gloereeader@missmanners.com; Or via Postpost to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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