By 2023, a high workload combined with a stressful work environment had left me anxious, completely exhausted and unable to mentally disconnect from the rigors of my job. To address my mental health and take advantage of the increased amount of free time available to me while I took a career break, I turned to meditation in earnest.
A few months later I attended a retreat. On the last day, the teacher introduced us to the practice of metta meditation. We were explained that metta is an “altruistic attitude of love and kindness, distinct from mere amiability based on self-interest.” True metta is therefore devoid of selfishness and the quality of benevolence it encourages is one that should grow through practice.
After the retreat I continued to meditate with great enthusiasm. This consisted of focusing my attention on the sensations of my breathing. I have also diligently incorporated a few minutes of metta into my daily practice. At first I felt like an impostor. Only on rare days could I truly connect with this feeling of friendship and unity. More often than not, it would feel like a check-box exercise.
In addition to meditation, I am also a yoga practitioner and take weekly classes at a local gym. My teacher is well trained and that is why her classes are often oversubscribed. Because she is a kind-hearted person, the students on the waiting list for a spot are still allowed to attend and as such the studio is usually rammed. Therefore, it is somewhat essential to get there early. Because I wanted to improve my yoga technique, I had chosen an ideal place for myself in the studio. This was adjacent to a mirror wall, where I could correct my posture myself. I made it a habit to arrive early to secure my spot, everything seemed perfect.
A few months ago I came to class at my usual time. I noticed another member had placed their mat in my favorite room. Of course, this place didn’t have my name on it; there was no sign, it was just a random space in the studio. However, the fact that the rest of the room was empty and of all the available options someone had chosen this very spot to place their mat was something I was acutely aware of. My daily meditation practice had given me enough attention to notice that I was irritated by this episode. Still, I was able to shake it off, dismiss it as a one-time event and leave it at that.
Contrary to my wishful thinking, this situation happened regularly. I’d get to class with plenty of time to spare and my favorite spot would be gone. I was starting to get very upset about this internally. I then get thoughts like “how come this lady has not managed to see that regular guests stick to their regular places in the studio”. Often after class, on the way home, I would express my annoyance to my husband, start a tirade against the offending party; “She should be attentive,” referring to university lecture halls where students sat in the same seats all semester. I was really excited.
I was determined to occupy my favorite spot. I actually started gaining weight earlier… so much so that on the days I went swimming before yoga, I would put off drying my hair until after I went to the studio to put down my mat. When I saw this lady in the dressing room, I undoubtedly had that look of triumph that a cat has when it gets the cream. I dare say this took several weeks.
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