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I’m 50, I’ve failed and I finally feel like myself
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I’m 50, I’ve failed and I finally feel like myself

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Insight asks: is turning 50 a big deal? From midlife crises to menopause, finding undiscovered relatives and starting over, watch the Insight episode Turning 50 on SBS on request.
For me, turning 50 was a chance to celebrate surviving some dark times in my life – and the chance to reinvent myself.
Eight years earlier the contrast in my life was great.
My marriage was ending, I had developed disordered eatingI worked long hours in politics and drank every day.

During the turbulence, alcohol was my constant.

When my ex-husband and I separated, I moved into a townhouse in the city. Because of the joint custody arrangement, I was alone much more often.
Suddenly I had more time and my own money to buy new clothes.
These changes suddenly made the attention of others flow – just like the champagne I was drinking.
Alcohol was my comfort during stress, and then it became my party companion.

And party, that’s what I did.

‘I couldn’t stop partying’

I said yes to every social invitation and even organized events I wasn’t invited to.
My networks were wide – mainly due to the social and alcohol-related nature of my role, which I saw as ‘work hard, play hard’.
Younger men showing interest in me fueled my ego. What can I say? They probably liked my boozy chutzpah – sprinkled with a dash of motherhood and worldliness.

Although the reaction of others around me was a mixture of bewilderment and horror.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, everyone stopped partying, but I couldn’t. My days were long and my nights were very dark.
I didn’t drink because I wanted to, but because I felt I had to.

But I had to find that out for myself.

Enter recovery

It was a long climb out of the abyss towards sobriety, with many false starts and moments of despair.
But now I’ve been in recovery for the past four years and attending support groups.
I’ve dealt with all the problems I avoided, from trauma to chronic physical ailments.
Commitment to healing has been a difficult but beautiful experience.

I also learned to be with myself without numbing myself.

There was a moment at a friend’s wedding in 2024 that was pivotal in helping me determine what to do next in my career and life.
Since I had just been fired from a government position, I asked the wait staff what the non-alcoholic options were.
The response was something along the lines of “just water and lemonade”.
I felt frustrated by these limited options. But they also brought up an idea in my mind: I thought that down-to-earth and down-to-earth curious people deserved a more attractive reach.

Can I start a business in mocktail workshops and catering events?

A middle-aged woman in a colorful apron and green shirt smiles at the camera, standing in the kitchen and holding a purple mocktail.

Sarah started her own business teaching mocktail workshops. Source: Delivered

I soon enrolled in two courses: a mentorship program for women and a business qualification.

I was initially overwhelmed when I realized how much I didn’t know about accounting, websites, taxes, law and so on.
But I had to suck it up and put my nose to the grindstone if I wanted to forge my new career. Plus, so many people were ready to help me by sharing their business and marketing knowledge.

It’s been a year since I officially launched my business. My kitchen table is my office and my son’s old bedroom is my pantry.

Celebrating the descent

My life at 50 is not what I expected.
I’m a small business founder, voiceover artist, and gardener. I am also a mother teaching her youngest to drive.
I feel completely different from the person I was when I was forty. Now that I have done an extensive amount of inner work, I am calmer and more content.

I often assess whether my actions and choices are congruent with who I am and who I want to be. But I’m also okay with being unclear while I search for the answers.

A teenage girl, a young man and a middle-aged woman in blue and gray jumpsuits with safety harnesses stand on a bridge with a city and river in the background.

Sara and her two children. Source: Delivered

At the age of fifty I am on the descent. I probably won’t have good health and flexibility for another 50 years.

I don’t say this to alarm; I say this to appreciate the time I have.
I refuse to give in to the narrative that “all is woe” as you get older. I’m grateful to have been given a second chance, and I’m taking it.
Now I’m someone my 16-year-old and 22-year-old want to spend time with – and I’m my own best friend.
The last ten years have been incredibly difficult, but it has been well worth it. I finally feel like I have come into my full self.
If you or someone you know needs support related to alcohol use, you can call the National 24/7 Alcohol and Other Drugs Hotline on 1800 250 015, a confidential, non-judgmental telephone advice, information and referral service, free of charge.
For support in crisis situations and mental health care, please contact Lifeline (13 11 14), HEALTHY Australia (1800 187 263) or 13Yarn (139 276), a 24/7 crisis support line for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people.

#Ive #failed #finally #feel

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