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I grew up in various mixed families. Olivia was the only stable mother figure in my life
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I grew up in various mixed families. Olivia was the only stable mother figure in my life

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One in 10 Australian families with children is a step or mixed family. Insight investigates the complexity that occur when these families separate and asks who is considered a family when mixing ends. View Insight Episode Unlining families on SBS On Demand.
My mother was only 21 when she had me, and I was her third child.
At the age of 24 she decided to leave Australia to return to her hometown of London and later moved to Los Angeles to build her acting career.
I imagine that it was a very difficult decision, but for reasons that only she could speak, she Contact cut completely Leave my family, my father with three very confused children.
My father did his best. He opened restaurants, bars and later night clubs; This was his way of taking care of his family.
Dad was very charismatic, handsome and had a bad sense of humor. Women loved him, so came a rotating door of women or girlfriends, which led to changes in the house, school and new brothers and sisters.
Sometimes we lived in his locations or motels; Only twice do I remember that I had a ‘normal’ house in a suburb.

I was always fascinated by my girlfriends at school, with their families of three children and parents who were together. I would be daydreaming about part of that world. I wanted and envied.

A middle -aged woman with long light brown hair with her chin on her fist, smiling at the camera for a black studio background

Tottie found a mother figure in her aunt Olivia. Credit: Claudio Raschella

Growing up in mixed families

My father was born a man in the 1930s, which was the era of ‘children had to be seen and not heard’.
I don’t believe that Dad was raised like an emotional communicator – so it always felt like there was an elephant in the room when it came to feelings, family or something that hit an intimate tone.
I remember that I was about 10 years old and Dad asked why my mother left. The only thing he said was that it was a sinking ship and that someone had to jump off.

He never blamed her or said a bad word about her. In a sense it was wonderful that he did that, but to be honest, I think I would rather have understood why she made contact.

But after my mother had left and brought the child of her second marriage in her third, I was left with the feeling that I am not keeping and not being enough.
Consequently, I became a pleasure in attempts to receive love. (Since then I have worked on this in therapy and have set healthy limits for myself, but they are dedication to enforce.)
I grew up without a clear template for communication and vocalizing my needs, I feared that fluctuating the boat – or worse, is rejected.

Sometimes I searched for intimacy and connection of my stepmothers, but never really felt it. I acknowledge that that was a lot to attract someone, and I don’t really think they understood the background story of what we went through with an absent mother.

‘A brilliant role model’

My aunt Olivia Newton-John Was closest to a mother; Her so genetically connected to my mother Rona has probably increased that feeling.
Liv was a great communicator, great listener and spiritual, who balanced some of the important ingredients that I felt that I missed in other parental figures in my life.
She was the only one with whom I felt connection and intimacy – and who always spoke the truth. I always felt seen, heard and cared for by her.

Nobody can replace a mother or remove those feelings from not being sweet enough, but it certainly took the lead.

A vintage photo of a young blond child and a young blonde woman in the style of the 70s

Tottie as a child with her aunt Olivia. Source: Delivered

Liv had beautiful and unique relationships with the three of us – me and my brothers and sisters.

Speaking for myself, we were very close. She was my go-t for everything that had to do with things from the heart. Our sense of humor tuluted; We were cut from the same cloth.
She was hard -working and modest – qualities of a brilliant role model in my book.
We worked on her cancer and wellness center, so we also had a great professional relationship in my maturity.

Liv led by example; I learned a lot about taking your work seriously – but not yourself.

Be kept secret

I felt that Liv struggled with the apparent lack of maternal feelings to us. I think Liv always tried to make up for her in a certain sense.
She not only gave (what I felt was) to get to know your mother ‘flight ticket to LA when each of us turned 18, but a few times encouraged me to confront Rona when I felt deeply hurt by her.

An example of such a time was when she and Liv came to Australia for five days in 2007 and Rona had no contact with me if my brothers and sisters had.

When I went to LA to see her, she didn’t even come to the airport to gather me. I was 18 years old and had never been alone anywhere – let alone another country.
I went to the street with my suitcase and just waited; I was very scared and confused.
At that time there were no mobile phones and I had no money to use a public phone, or even a number to call.

She never showed up.

Hours later, still on the street, I heard someone calling my name. I looked in the direction of the voice and there was Liv waving at me from the back of a limousine.
She must have called my mother to check in and see that I had arrived safely.
About five days later, Rona appeared on Liv’s Malibu Ranch to gather me, but kept me on arm length.
She had kept her Australian life secret and introduced me to people in the US as the babysitter of her young son – or asked me to take long walks when people came.

When she died and we came to LA to be with her, even her best friend of 25 years old did not know we existed.

Set

Looking back, I don’t think I have ever had a strong sense of safety or stability when our mixed families did not mix and it would feel all over again.
I make no distinction between my seven half brothers and sisters and two thoroughbred brothers and sisters because they are all my family.

They all come from my father, so we are all part of one thing. I think that is probably emphasized because I didn’t grow up with a mother.

I also believe that they have been lifted without limits and structure a negative impact and then I have been too loud in these areas.
It influences my intimate relationships and I feel that I have never put on a really solid man. I felt more attracted by what I know as at home: chaos.

I have done a lot of work in this area. As an adult I have become more distinctive with healthier boundaries and I left that dating patterns.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was petrified that I could have the same ‘gene’ my mother – that I could abandon her.

Tottie Goldsmith

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I was petrified that I could have the same ‘gene’ my mother – that I could abandon her.
The opposite happened – I had terrible separation anxiety, but I worked through it.

I think I would have benefited from having clear communication from my parents who grew up about what our family would become dynamics and have been able to talk about our feelings together.

I think there are some wonderful things about having an unconventional childhood and family.
Although it was usually unstable and confusing, my youth was also colorful and full of great adventure and humor.
I feel that I am a deep empathetic and adaptable person, which I think comes from my lived experience of my displaced and invisible.
That is why I have grown muscles that I may not have otherwise.

#grew #mixed #families #Olivia #stable #mother #figure #life

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