Teaching consists of many things. It is a profession and a passion, tedious and rewarding, exasperating and full of joy. For some, mental health issues such as anxiety and depression become worse while teaching. This has led to many teachers and educators leaving the profession, and there is a lot of news and opinion about the mental health crisis in education.
But my story is a little different. Teaching has not only improved my mental health, but it literally saved my life.
Against a sea of problems
In February 2017, I was working in retail management, which I had been doing since I graduated in 2002. I was okay at sales, a pretty good manager, and especially good at training new sales associates. At the same time, I was also struggling with severe depression and anxiety. I didn’t really know why. I didn’t think I hated my job; I loved my wife and family. On paper I had good friends and a pretty good life. But there were days when I just couldn’t handle it. I felt alone, empty and quite frankly lost. Was this all my life had to offer? Could this be the only thing I was ever known for? Would anyone miss me if I’m gone?
This led to the evening of February 24th. I was driving home after another boring day at work when the desire to drive my car off an overpass became grim, real, and terrifyingly close to reality. I just had enough and thought it would make people think of me, if only for a moment. But I didn’t do it. The experience and its proximity shocked me. When I got home, I talked to my wife and we decided that I needed help, and I needed it now. She took me to a hospital where I spent the next few days reading, thinking, and most importantly, talking to mental health professionals.
Over the next few weeks I learned two life-changing things. First, my brain needed medication. Secondly, I wanted to be a teacher. That may sound a little strange, but over the course of my reflections and therapy about why I felt so empty, one thing became clear: I had an innate desire to make a positive impact on the world. When I started broaching the subject of what that might look like for me, friends and family all came up with the same idea: “Maybe you should think about teaching?!”
Plan B
Growing up, I wanted to be one of two things: a professional wrestler or a rock star. In my mid-twenties, after giving up college standards and diving into both dreams, I realized that these might not be the most practical of callings. So without much thought, I started working in retail. I never thought about what I wanted to do; I just did what I had to do to get by.
But even in my long career in retail and management, a trend began to emerge. I enjoyed teaching people. I took on training roles and took classes to learn as much as I could about the product I was selling. My favorite achievements over the years were never the big sales I made, but the people I developed and guided to success. So when my family and friends started telling me I should start teaching, I thought, “Why not? It can’t be much different than teaching people how to sell guitars and mattresses.”
I am also really a child at heart. I play video games, watch streamers on Twitch, love cartoons and comics, and have always worn the title of “goofball” as a badge of honor. I could fit in with literal children; they may relate more to me than to my actual peers! I’m also a self-proclaimed nerd who enjoys learning new things and exploring anything and everything. Sharing my enthusiasm for learning made teaching seem like a good fit.
More importantly for my mental health, the idea of becoming a teacher was reflected in that missing part of my life. Would teaching the next generation make me feel like I’m leaving my mark? Will it help me feel fulfilled? Is it okay to place so much of my personal value on a career?
Without much to lose and with the hope that a change in vocation would bring what I felt was missing, I applied to an online university to begin my journey into education.
A new hope
Fast forward through a few years of heavy college work and a stint as a district substitute teacher in an urban school district. I got my first full-time teaching job, teaching fourth grade math, science, and social studies at a beautiful little school within walking distance of my home. That first year, even though I was in my late thirties, I experienced all the anxiety, fatigue, and dizziness of any first-year teacher. I also started to see a change in myself. Even though I had never been so tired or so challenged, I finally felt like I mattered. Like I did what I had to do.
Before I started teaching, I was convinced that the difference I could make in a child’s life would be impactful, but only as far as education goes. I had no idea how much teaching was actually about two things that I am particularly good at and that really fill my emotional bucket: performing and building relationships.
I love being on stage and being in the spotlight. That’s why I wanted to be a wrestler or a rock star. What I wish I had known all those years ago was that teaching every day is just one big performance that can evoke the same emotional highs (and lows) as a fun rock show. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that sometimes I get the same sense of satisfaction and “high” when I feel like I’ve taught a great lesson – or that the students are really getting into the groove of a good debate – as I do when I step off stage after playing punk music with my band. The idea that I could do something positive for the world and still feel that way afterwards reinforced my belief that teaching is where I belong.
In my first year as a teacher, I also began to see how this new calling could help others besides me and the children. One day, halfway through my freshman year, a parent came by requesting a conference. She felt overwhelmed and frustrated that her incredibly smart child just couldn’t get started on math and actively resisted the very idea. As I sat with the mother and we brainstormed about how we could present learning in a new and novel way for her child, I saw her relax, smile, and realize that things were going to be okay. I had hard evidence that what I do made someone’s life better, even for a few moments. By the end of the year, her child was doing much better in math and, most importantly, really enjoyed learning and working with her mother to build resilience and a growth mindset.
Solidarity
Mental health among teachers is a tough and very personal topic. My hope in sharing my story is not that teachers all have to be happy all the time, or that the struggle against depression and anxiety among teachers isn’t a real problem that needs to be solved. I just think about what teaching gives me every day. The ability to perform. The opportunity to make connections with students, families and fellow teachers. The opportunity to teach skills and topics that will make my students better learners. And crucially: the opportunity to make a real difference in the lives of my students and their families.
Today I have the pleasure of teaching my favorite subject, history and social studies, to seventh and eighth grade students. One goal I have every day is to remember that it is an honor and a privilege to impact the lives of these students. My words, no matter how hard they try not to listen, have real power and influence on their growth and the decisions they will make.
By choosing to become a teacher, I have not only saved my own life, but I am also improving the lives of my students, and maybe they are saving the world.
If you or someone you know is in immediate distress or thinking about harming themselves, call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. You can also send a text message to the Crisis text line (HELLO to 741741) or use the Lifeline Chat on the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline website.
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