When the bill came it was left on the table for a while; neither of us touched it. Finally I picked it up and asked if she wanted to split it, and she immediately said yes. I was taken aback because she had clearly stated beforehand that she wanted to treat me, so I didn’t expect to pay.
It’s not about the money – I don’t mind paying for myself – but it did make me a little uncomfortable and wasn’t sure if I had misunderstood her. Was she just polite when she offered it, or did she forget what she said?
I don’t want to make things weird by bringing it up, but it bothers me because it felt misleading. Should I just let it go, or is it worth clarifying to avoid confusion in the future?
I really enjoyed our conversation and would like to remain friends, but I don’t want little misunderstandings like this to cause tension. I’m not sure if I should take this as a red flag about her character or just an innocent miscommunication.
– Unclear
DEAR UNCLEAR: The next time you speak to her, ask her directly what happened. It is good to purify the air.
Tell her that you remember when she offered to treat you to lunch and it felt awkward when she didn’t. Emphasize that you are okay with paying for your money, but she had set a different expectation.
See what she has to say. You want to build friendships with people who are honest.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a therapist for over twenty years, and while I have found deep meaning in helping others heal, recently the work has become emotionally draining.
I listen to people’s pain all day long and I feel it seep into me. Sometimes I come home completely exhausted, with nothing left to give to my own family or myself.
I’ve tried taking breaks, going to supervision, and even doing therapy myself, but the burnout doesn’t seem to go away. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve just given everything I can in this area.
Everyone around me says I can’t stop. My clients say I have changed their lives. My colleagues tell me that I am one of the most empathetic, insightful therapists they know. Even my friends remind me that I have a “gift” for this work and that walking away would be a loss to the people who depend on me.
I feel torn between my duty to my clients and my own mental health, and I don’t know how to balance the two.
Is it selfish to put myself first after years of caring for others? How do I know when it’s really time to step away, and how do I do that without feeling like I’m letting everyone down?– Turning point
BEST TURNING POINT: Maybe it’s just time to take a break. If you can afford it, take a few months off and rejuvenate yourself. If necessary, see if you can get disability insurance to pay for the time you spend away from work.
You may come back energized and ready to get back to work. If not, think about what else you can do work-wise if the break needs to be extended.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people achieve and activate their dreams. Send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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