Recognizing signs of financial infidelity
Finding out that your partner has been hiding financial secrets from you (whether it’s hiding debts, hiding major purchases, or an undisclosed bank account) can be painful and even a dealbreaker for many couples. While it can be difficult to trust your partner again, experts say there are ways to deal with financial infidelity.
People often find out about financial betrayal the hard way. It’s either when one spouse feels like his back is against the wall and decides to come clean, or the other half starts picking up red flags, says Jeri Bittorf, a financial wellness coordinator at Resolve Counseling Services Canada.
Indications such as seeing your partner stressed about money even when you think everything is going well, or seeing a collection letter, could indicate something is wrong. “That could tip them off that there might be something more going on,” Bittorf said. Some people have also discovered financial infidelity while making larger purchases that require a credit check, or during the mortgage renewal process.
It can have a cascading effect on both partners’ lives, such as negatively impacting joint financial goals or both of their credit reports, she said. “Financial betrayal is a serious form of betrayal,” Bittorf said.
Can couples recover from financial betrayal?
Saijal Patel often comes across cases of financial betrayal in her work. Patel, the founder of financial advisory and education firm Saij Elle, said one of the most common comments from clients is: “I heard that my partner had all these secret debts, I had no idea, or I heard that they were giving away money to their relatives without telling me.”
Patel recalled a client whose husband had accrued debt from a gas company, and her client knew nothing about it. Ultimately, the couple lost everything and eventually broke up.
But not all financial dishonesty ends in separation or divorce, she said. If a couple decides to work through it, Patel says it is possible to escape financial betrayal.
Sellery said it’s important to understand the context. “The cause matters,” he said. Start with the five W’s: who, what, where, when and why to get to the facts. Did the person hide debts because, for example, he was helping a sick family member or because of substance abuse? The frequency of dishonesty also matters — whether it was the first time or has this been a pattern, Sellery said. At the same time, talk about how the betrayal made you feel, he said. Share how it has made you anxious, stressed, or questioning your marital choices.
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Restore trust – and your finances
Financial problems can also bring up feelings of shame or guilt. Bittorf said the couple should seek counseling to understand where communication may have broken down.
If the dishonesty is related to debt, she said a financial planner can help you understand the full impact of the debt, the type of loans taken out and what budgeting would look like to get through the situation.
It’s also important to understand responsibilities, such as whether both partners would work equally toward repaying this debt, or just the person responsible for it. “It’s really important that some really good boundaries are set and some really good expectations are set so that both people in the relationship know exactly what their role is moving forward,” Bittorf said.
Patel said agreeing to transparency on finances could help rebuild trust. She said the couple needs to figure out what their non-negotiables are, such as having a joint account, scheduling regular check-ins and sharing bank and credit card statements.
“Talk about those financial goals and your values,” she said. “When you have a shared goal… it’s much easier to get everyone on the same page,” says Patel.
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