Dear Eric: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for more than 20 years. We see each other at family functions and are very cordial and polite with each other, as I am for his girlfriend, whom they all attend.
Neither of us remarried. He has been in this relationship with this woman for many years, but they don’t live together.
When our sons had their first babies (a boy and a girl, now 9), my ex wanted the family to refer to his girlfriend as Nonna. Our sons immediately close that idea and stated that their children have a grandmother and that they would refer to his girlfriend by her first name out of respect for their mother and especially not to confuse the children.
Recently, while I visited one of my sons, my daughter-in-law and I had a conversation about my 9-year-old grandson. She told something that my grandson said about my ex-husband’s girlfriend and called her ‘Nonna’.
I asked, “Does he now refer to his grandfather’s girlfriend as Nonna?” He had never had before, nor had anyone else in the family. She answered “yes”!
I immediately said that I was not at ease there, and that it really bothers me because I am clearly not dead. (And don’t intend to go somewhere soon.)
Here is my question: is there an unwritten rule for living grandmothers who have a great relationship with their grandchildren and the girlfriends of their grandfathers who want to share that very special title? (By the way, the girlfriend said enough of her own grandchildren.)
– Best grandmother
Best Nonna: The problem with unwritten rules is – you guessed it – they are not included in writing, so time and circumstances tend to move them.
Now you have made your preference clear, and your son and daughter -in -law worshiped that, but somehow things have shifted.
It is clear that I cannot say it for sure, but it is possible that your grandson has started considering grandmother figures in general as not -after and used as a general term, instead of a specific term of affection for you.
Each of the adults involved could have offered an alternative (“Oh, I am Nonna Stephanie”, or what you have) and it would have saved some consternation. But somehow they didn’t.
So try to reformulate the situation as it looks now. Your relationship with your grandson remains unique and special. You will not be replaced or forgotten. I know that the name has special meaning for you, but, just like with Grandma or Grammy or another nomenclature, try to remember that he will always know what he calls when he uses it, and the history and future of each relationship will always be different.
Dear Eric: I have two friends who can’t hear so well. One of them had hearing aids but gave them back. The other has them but will not wear them.
They often talk about each other and always interrupt people because they don’t seem to tell if someone else speaks.
What is really annoying is that they keep telling me that I have to speak and then complain when I do that. They accuse me of muttering, but everyone else understands me fine.
I have to repeat myself time and time again and raise my volume every time until they say, “Don’t shout against me!”
I keep telling them that if they keep asking me to speak until they can hear me, they don’t have to complain if I finally reach a volume that they can hear. Some thoughts?
– Release voices
Best voices: Navigating through hearing loss can be difficult. Sometimes it is a matter of pride; Sometimes people do not realize how much they are missing and got used to ending up. It can be difficult to convince friends who have not found the right medical solution to keep trying.
But, at a non-charged moment, talks to them about what you see and encourages them to visit an audiologist, perhaps another than the doctor they saw earlier. Remind them that hearing loss is associated with an increased risk of developing dementia and that, according to the National Institute of Health, the use of hearing aids can help reduce the number of cognitive decline in older adults by a maximum of 50 percent.
Moreover, hearing aids can help reduce social isolation by helping people experience hearing loss to better go with a conversation and the world around them. There are many advantages, but like many medical remedies, they sometimes take a minute to get used to it.
Perhaps by concentrating on their personal well -being and continuous health, you help them to see that you are not complaining to simply complain, but rather because you want the best for them and for your friendship.
Send ask for R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter on Rericthomas.com.
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