Dear Eric: A few years ago my mother -in -law died due to dementia.
During the time of her illness, my husband and I took care of everything, including selling her house, auctioning her legacy, dealing with her boyfriend who could never admit that she had dementia and the Covid restrictions to visit her to visit her.
Note that my husband’s brother lives in the upper midwest; We and his mother live in Florida. The burden was put on us, not him.
On the day of her viewing it was only my husband and me. I took photos of her peacefully lying in her box and sent them to my brother -in -law. I received a destructive e-mail from my brother-in-law and said he had specifically asked not to send photos of her dead. He only wanted to remember her healthy (how handy).
To be honest, I didn’t remember that conversation, because I was too stressed from the whole test.
I feel guilty for sending the photos, but I am not really sorry to do it, because they finally had to deal with her first hand. They did not have to live the test like us. I felt that the photos were something that I had to share.
Do I have to feel guilty because I sent them because I still do that?
– photo regret
Best photo: Debt is not very useful emotion. Sometimes it is good information, but it is about what we do about the debt, internally and externally.
I know that the complicated process of arranging your mother -in -law’s things, especially during Covid Lockdown, was difficult for you.
But you have to acknowledge that what your brother -in -law has to do with is also difficult. There is no hierarchy of suffering. You can start with the relief of part of that suffering – yours and theirs – by reaching out, apologizing and trying to make up for it.
In the large schedule you owe each other apologies.
They did not show up for your mother -in -law in the ways that would have been useful, and that is not fair. But you can’t dictate how your brother -in -law reminds his mother or how he processes his grief.
Your actions, as you described them, were not malignant, but it is important to recognize their impact.
Dear Eric: I am friends with a few sisters, closer to one then the other.
I recently invited them for a weekend away, where we had to be treated to the dinner of a private chef. Less close sister immediately announced that she ‘avoids gluten’, which clearly complicated our menu.
On the ride up she told her ‘Cheat Night’ with many gluten the night before and fortunately consumed a gluten -containing lunch.
I know that there is no right way to say: “Your nutritional needs only seem to pop up if you can be an inconvenience/pain in the butt”, but I am really sour to travel with her again, although I like her. Suggestions?
-Gglutentolerant
Best gluten-tolerant: The simplest solution is simply not to have a private chef dinner, or to have the chef find out what to cook to meet everyone’s nutritional needs. Isn’t that actually the task of the chef?
It is quite a leap to go from compiling a private dinner to swearing to travel with this person again.
Sometimes, when our opinions about people change, every small thing they do can get a point of worse. I wonder if that might happen here. Something to consider.
Dear Eric: “Carpooling” wants to be reimbursed for gas for a 30-mile return trip to pick up the disabled son of a friend from the bus stop. The request from the “dear friend” does not happen often.
My two cents is this: losing or even insulting a ‘good friend’ is not worth a price, let alone the price of a few gallons gas ($ 10 or less).
Real friends subsidy of the preference, if possible, and usually without expecting anything in return. If it becomes a regular request, the subject certainly cuts, but a rare request is really a ‘favor’ and the granting of favors has a way to return to you. Instead, ‘carpooling’ could regard this favor as a meal she could take to her friend if she was sick (and probably in that case more than $ 10 would spend).
– Best friends are priceless
Best priceless: Ten dollars is not the same everywhere, nor is it the same for every budget. The letter writer does not complain alone; The letter states that the frequency of the requests, combined with the amount, has created financial problems.
It is important to remember that everyone’s finance is different and the easy favor of a person is the piece of another.
The invariability of dear friends goes both sides. If I had a dear friend whose load I could relieve by covering the price of gas, I would jump the chance to do this.
Send ask for R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter on Rericthomas.com.
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