As I illustrate in my Coming bookWe live in an era of authenticity care. From company mission -statements that encourage employees to “Bring their entire self to work” For self-help gurus who insist that ‘being real’ is the only path to fulfillment, we have increased authenticity to near-spiritual status. But our obsession has a remarkable turn: we tend to grant a special premium Negative authenticity. The blunt criticism of a leader, antisocial anger, public mug or contrary tirade is often praised as “refreshingly honest”, while their polite diplomacy is rejected as fake.
Somewhere along the way we started to believe that authentic impressions of antisocial emotion (eg anger, contempt, spot) are somehow more real and therefore more valuable than well -mannered restraint. As if telling a colleague is their idea ‘idiot’, is more admirable than smiling politely and redirecting the conversation. In reality, antagonization of people does not make you authentic; It just makes you antagonistic. Moreover, most people between fake politeness or fair roughness will usually prefer the first, especially if they are on the receiving side.
Real social skills is not the absence of self -censorship, but rather their control. The real work of emotional intelligence is that actually a form From social desirability or strategic self -presentation, lies in resisting the urge to broadcast any feeling and thought, especially those who would derail those relationships, would alienate others or ran confidence. High-Stakes environments, such as boardrooms, negotiations and crisis situations, reward that Who can keep a poker face, not those who turn every meeting into an open microphone evening for their grievances.
The EQ – Authenticity paradox
If authenticity was the only benchmark for leadership quality, then any temperamental, impulsive boss would be a management guru. Such characters instead toxic Employees who destroy the moral of the team and strengthen the effectiveness of the organization, not to mention culture. The data indeed shows clearly that emotional intelligence (EQ), the ability to recognize, regulate and influence emotions, is one of the most consistent Predictors of career success, management effectiveness and leadership competence.
Some unpopular news: EQ is negatively correlated with unfiltered authenticity. The leaders who score the highest on EQ are not known for wearing their hearts on their sleeves, sending their unsolicited political views or division, or expect that others are aligning with their feelings and tolerate their emotional tantrums: instead, they will be known for playing their cards close to their chest. Just like competent poker players, they control the game by controlling their tell. Fundamentally, they do not assume that others should adapt to their feelings or moods, but rather make an attempt to understand and adapt to the preferences, views and emotions of other people (such as in, they do not believe that they are the center of the universe, who tend to understand at 6 years old in normal children’s development patterns.
The best leaders understand that “right to be yourself” ends where your responsibility towards others starts. Venting in public, rolling your eyes into meetings or delivering a destructive tweet storm about the shortcomings of your team can feel cathartically, but it is rarely productive. In most cases, a leader who cannot filter himself is less a truth translator and more a low-eq liability.
Think of Winston Churchill, famous for his wartime war – not for the publicly opening of his generals. Or Angela Merkel, who did not influence influence via Twitter -Tirades, but through disciplined understatement. Compare that with the modern harvest of leaders whose personal brand acts as a rolling PR crisis, and the EQ -authenticity paradox becomes painfully clear.
Authenticity as a luxury good
Ironically, some leaders use coarseness and rebellion, precisely because it makes them authentic. There is a certain seductive quality for the CEO that says what “everyone thinks”, but nobody dares to say, let alone that “everyone” is actually his own reflection in a $ 2,000 meeting table. But, just as it disagree with everyone does not make you good, breaking social standards does not make you authentic, let alone creative, virtuous or courageous.
Social Psychology offers an indication: standard violation by powerful people is often reformulated if charisma. If you have the status and means to survive the fall -out, you can break the etiquette with impunity. It is not that you are more brave than everyone else; It is that you are isolated from the consequences.
In this sense, authenticity is less a moral virtue than a status symbol. The freedom to be unfortunately rude is an advantage of the privileged elite, whose power protects them against the responsibility that limits the rest of us. For them is “telling as it is” not a courageous act, it is a performance of dominance, namely bragging or showing off because of the freedom to insult without major consequences, and many people who applaud you!
Needless to say, this is a terrible model for leadership. When leaders show off their contempt for politeness, they legitimize that behavior in others. What starts as a performative show of “realness” drips into culture, the correction of trust, cooperation and psychological safety. And while anger, bullying and public little little little ones can unite a few sycophants, they alienate many more people than they gather.
The leadership that really works
Leadership is about uniting people to a shared goal. History offers many examples of leaders who inspired loyalty, not by shock value, but by permanent, respectful and measured behavior. The calm empathy of Jacinda Ardern after the shootings of the Christchurch -Moskee. Barack Obama’s disciplined cool in times of crisis. Indra Nooyi’s mix of strategic rigor and personal warmth at Pepsico.
These leaders ‘not all left it’ in public, they have exerted an opinion about what they had to share, when and how. That is not inaccuracy; It is responsibility. They understood that the role of a leader is not to model emotional indulgence, but to model emotional discipline.
On the other hand, the “authentic” tantrums of some celebrities of managers are less like the rally of a leader than a meltdown of a toddler from a toddler. If you cannot imagine that a behavior is effective in a kindergarten classroom, it is probably not great in a boardroom. Such as the character of Jennifer Jason Leigh, Lorraine Lyon, in one of the most iconic scenes of Fargo season 5, in which she plays the Tirannic, Megalomaniac and Egocentric Sheriff Roy Tillman that is played by John Hamm, the only people who can rightly strive for absolute freedom are baby’s. Unfortunately, there are many examples of adults, including those in very powerful positions that seem to behave like babies in this precise way, but only because they can use their strength and status to get away with such behavior does not mean that they are a role model to strive.
Warning signals
If you are interested in knowing whether apparent contrary persons and non -conformist leaders are ‘authentic’ or are just rude, annoying or toxic, consider these five red flags:
1. Authenticity is unity
They insist on “radical honesty” of their teams, but treat different opinion as betrayal. You can tell them exactly what you think, provided that what you think is flattering. The moment feedback points up, the mood shifts from “openness” to “insubordinance”. Real authenticity goes in both sides; Selective authenticity is simply disguised control.
2. The “truth” is always negative
Their so -called frankness has a narrow emotional reach: somewhere irritated and furious. Praise is rare, appreciation even rarer. These leaders wear boneness as a badge, but in reality they are simply in default of criticism because it is easier than building people. It is not that they ‘tell it as it is’, it is that they only tell the parts that sting.
3. Accountability is for everyone else
If they are late, it is because they are ‘busy’. When they miss a target, it is because “the market shifted.” But if you slip away, it is a character error, a problem with cultural fit or a sign that you are ‘not fully dedicated’. They frame their own outbursts such as’ Passion ‘and others’ as’ unprofessionalism’. In other words, the rules are flexible, just not for you.
4. They confuse disruption with vision
Their proud leadership moments can be broken down, ignore standards or to defy expectations, regardless of whether the outcome is useful. Disruption is not a strategy for them but an identity. The problem is that real visionaries violate rules to create something better; These leaders break them because the chaos keeps them in the spotlight.
5. The public is the point
Their most “authentic” moments always seem to have a handy audience: an all-hand meeting, a media interview or a viral LinkedIn post. If there is no crowd, the big morality will disappear. This is not about honesty – it’s about performance. Just like Reality TV participants, they thrive the optic to be ‘real’, even if the script is just as calculated as every PR campaign.
Weakness versus wisdom
In short, we have to be careful that we do not confuse the absence of ways with the presence of truth. The value of authenticity is not in broadcasting your inner monologue, it is in coordinating your actions with your values ​​in a way that strengthens your relationships and your organization.
A leader who checks their impulses is not fake; They are strategic. A leader who saves you their worst thoughts does not hide the truth, they give priority to the relationship above their ego. That is not a weakness; That is wisdom.
So the next time you see a leader praised for their “refreshing honesty” because they have insulted a colleague, bullied a journalist or have made a shareholder meeting in a personal complaint session, ask yourself: is this authenticity, or is it just power dressed as courage?
Because although everyone can be authentic, only the really skilled knows when he should not be. And in leadership (as in poker) sometimes the smartest move is the one you don’t show.
#roughness #leaders #authentic