Dear Dave,
My wife and I have been married for less than a year and we are already having disagreements about money. I love her, and one of the reasons I do is because she has such a giving heart. The problem is that I feel like she’s taking this too far. She often gives money to family and friends. Usually I wouldn’t mind this as long as the person really needed help. But often she will, and we fall short when it comes to paying our bills, paying off debt, and saving. How can I approach her about this without causing more stress in our relationship?
Jacob
Dear Jacob,
Your wife’s heart is in the right place. And generosity is a very attractive quality in a person. But that doesn’t make what she’s doing now a good idea.
I’ll be blunt with you, okay? This type of behavior is financially irresponsible. Her intentions are admirable, but she goes overboard. If it’s causing stress in your marriage and the two of you are having trouble meeting your own financial obligations, you have every right to be frustrated.
I really want you to hear this: Broke people can’t help broke people. By this I mean that only the strong can help the weak. Right now, the two of you should be working together – as a team – to get your own financial house in order. And by that I mean work hard to become debt free, and then save fully loaded emergency fund. Once that’s done, you’ll need to put something aside for your retirement. Then, and only then, once that’s all settled, and you have a friend or family member who is in genuine financial need, can you give the amount that you both agree is an appropriate, affordable amount.
Look, I’m a big giver in my business and in my personal life. But you have to take care of yourselves now. Sit down with your wife and gently explain this to her. She’s a good lady, Jacob. Praise her for her giving heart. But at the same time, show her what’s happening with your own finances and how you can better help those around you once you pay off your debts and start saving money.
God bless you both.
–Dave
Dave Ramsey is an eight-time national bestselling author, personal finance expert and host of “The Ramsey Show.” He has appeared on “Good Morning America,” “CBS This Morning,” “Today,” Fox News, CNN, Fox Business and many more. Since 1992, Dave has helped people regain control of their money, build wealth, and improve their lives. He is also CEO of Ramsey Solutions and is the author of numerous books, including Baby Steps Millionaires: How Ordinary People Built Extraordinary Wealth – and How You Can Do It Too.
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