In retrospect, life would never have been exciting, but I can sometimes think about how difficult it is to rest at any time. Being present and grounded in existing life. That concerns have arisen with unpredictability about what will happen. What is my goal.
I wish I had known at 24 that I was going to be a mother. That I was able to spend those years completely without that stress and worries. Those thoughts of what if it would never be this way. But perhaps it is they who determine one’s direction.
I wish I knew then what I know now. That I could have fully enjoyed every restaurant visit, every new start after breaking up from something that wasn’t meant to be, enjoyed the opportunity to be with friends and have total freedom, which didn’t feel like that at the time. I enjoyed it, but I felt that stress. I would find my life. But my life was just as good then as it is now. As a child I just wanted to grow up. Escape. I wasn’t in the moment then either. Always on the go.
I often long for Gunnel to be just a little bit bigger, like 4. Then someone said it’s only going to get harder haha, but I still have my vision. How it will be possible to walk hand in hand next to each other, go on small excursions without the feeling of readiness about how to chase her and follow the cart, or solve it if she refuses something. That I will become a more beautiful mother who does more things. Maybe I can’t handle it anymore, but it feels like it will be easier. That compliance and a little peace might come. That more can be achieved.
I think a lot about the future to cope. The only thing we have to do. You shouldn’t postpone life, but it should be okay to live small at times, to hold each other close, to be there, but also not to challenge circumstances just because.
I want to get to the point where I don’t just want to rush forward, mentally escape a little bit to something else, but where I feel in my entire being that I just want to be here and now. And to work on creating that life here. Every day. Own the moments and make the little things big.
Light a candle even if I have breakfast alone. No back pages.
Those who meditate say that the small moment gives so much. It doesn’t quite feel like my thing, but I’m having an ongoing conversation with myself, reflecting.
Writing here and having something to write about also influences that. That I look at it and approve of it in a different way.
Maybe you should start the day by asking yourself these three questions. See every day as something valuable, the gift of being able to live and exist. Not to just keep driving.
And the memory of looking back and seeing that if I had known then what I have now, I would have been proud.
Just that I’m writing here. Me who read TWWP since I was in college. If someone whispered that this would exist. That I would belong to a place I admired and applied for. That ambitions and dreams would have a place to land. The ceramics. Everything it makes possible. If we hadn’t moved that year, this whole dimension of me might not have existed. At least not in this guise.
It’s dazzling and beautiful. But I’ll try to stop more and see what’s there now. And to be aware of priorities and what yields the most benefit. Choose every day with care and love. To not just look, but really see.
<3
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