Trying with someone who is on his phone is such a universal experience, there is a name for: “Phubbing”, shortly for “understanding telephones”, or to ignore someone in favor of a phone. “Everyone hates it, but everyone has done it too,” says Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University and author of the coming book 10 rules for raising children in a high -tech world. “If someone is Phby, you have the feeling that you are not important – that whatever is on his phone is more important than you.”
Phubbing has a negative influence Mental health, relationship satisfaction and general well -being. That is why it is worth talking about digital distraction. “It is challenging and uncomfortable, but we should do this,” says Twenge. “We have to confront this situation.”
Here is exactly what to say if the person you are trying to talk does not get off their phone.
“I have a group cat that now blows up, but I prefer to talk to you without being distracted. Can we put our phones in our bags?”
A few years ago, Twenge heard about a group of women who pushed their phones into the center of the table when they went out to dinner. The first person who reached her device had to pay the bill. That is a smart approach, Twenge says, but you don’t even have to give it a financial twist: instead imagine that you all drop your phones somewhere out of sight, such as in your bags.
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Twenge loves this phrasing because it is not accusing: “It is a subtle way to convey the message of:” Hey, we all have things on our phones, but I want to talk to you now, “she says.” It is a very experienced way to say: “I want us to concentrate on this conversation.” “
“Is everything okay?”
This question ensures that there is an emergency – while it implies that if that is not, it would be better to put the phone down. It can feel somewhat confronting, says Twenge, but it is better than cutting the other person to get rid of their device. “You have to find a way to call in that needle to acknowledge that there might be something important,” she says. “But it’s a call.”
“Can you share something interesting with me there?”
This is a way to let someone talk about what is on their phone – and as a result to look up from the aforementioned device. Do people usually share or just consider it a reminder to be more present? “I have seen it go both sides,” says Twenge. “Sometimes it’s just an SMS exchange with someone else, but occasionally it will be like:” Watch this really funny video “or” Here is this nice photo that someone sent me “. Anyway, the idea is to retreat them to the personal conversation.”
“Is a good time to talk now, or should I come back when you’re done?”
This approach is immediately but still respectful. It draws attention to the fact that the other person is clearly distracted, without demanding anything from them, says Tessa Stuckey, a therapist and founder of Project seekerA non -profit that helps families to build healthier screen habits. “It gives them autonomy, while they also honor your own needs,” she says. She has discovered that her conversation partner is aware that she is noticed that they are not fully present often everything needed to ask for a reset.
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“I miss you when you are on your phone.”
Telling someone that you are missing them, comes from a place of vulnerability, not the debt – and stucco likes it that it is almost guaranteed to pull your friend’s hearts. “You indicate that the phone creates distance and that you want a connection,” she says. Moreover, it invites empathy: most people do not realize how their screen use influences others until it is gently noticed. The trick, stucco adds, is to say it warm, with sincerity, so it feels like an emotional push instead of a debt trip.
“Can we take a telephone holiday of 10 minutes? I really want to catch up.”
Asking someone to put his phone away for a short time is realistic – it is a very executable break, says Stuckey. You do not ask them to disconnect forever; Instead, you invite a shared moment. “People are more likely to link separately if there is a clear time limit and a good reason,” she says. Plus, it is cooperating, almost as if you propose a team challenge.
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“Hey friend, let’s connect again.”
Seven years ago, when Seán Killingsworth was in high school, he struggled so much with excessive screen time, he exchanged his smartphone for a Flip telephone. It worked – he felt happier and more present – but his colleagues were still glued to their phones, so he went one step further and started ReconnectA group that now organizes telephone events at university campuses in the US.
Ideally, there would be more options for telephone -free socialization. But instead of formal options, Killingsworth recommends bringing the concept for your friends: “We have to try somewhere without hanging our phones around.” Talk about why being present with each other. Then, the next time you notice that your friends are more focused on Facebook than your face, give a soft memory.
“These moments with you really matter.”
If you are eating with friends, or spend Quality Time with a family member that you don’t see often, consider drawing attention to the meaning of the moment. You could even follow up by adding: “I would not like to look back and feel that we missed it because of our screens,” Dr. suggests. James Sherer, a psychiatrist who treats addiction and co-editor of the Technological addictions Textbook for the American Psychiatric Association. “It can be very powerful,” he says, and lead to meaningful improvements in the quality of the relationship connection.
Read more: How to say ‘I told you’ ‘in a more effective way
“I have noticed that when we are together, you are quite often ticktok, and that gives me the feeling that I am being ignored.”
By focusing on the way a person’s telephone use you feel, you can feel that it can be more effective than “instigating” comments, Sherer says. You are not going to go far by barking: “You are always on Tiktok! You don’t care!” If you emphasize your own observations and how a person’s behavior, however, feels a seed that can encourage them to encourage them to evaluate their habits again. “The most important thing is to approach it from a position of non -judgmental being,” he says. “You are not there to dog the person on the person.”
“Muskrat!”
The son of Stuckey was 8 the Christmas morning when he noticed that certain family members paid more attention to their phones than seeing him opening his presents. He came up with an idea: the family could indicate a stupid code word that they cried every time they wanted to signal that it was time to drop the devices and be present in their environment.
More than five years later, the family still uses their word (“Muscrat”). “What I think is that my children can call us with the help of that word,” says Stuckey. “We can call them with that word. They grew up with it. It lets people check themselves a little and say,” Ok, I’ll put it down right away – I just have to finish this e -mail very quickly. “
Are you wondering what to say in a difficult social situation? E -Mail timetotalk@time.com
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