Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a romantic holiday, but in my experience it often brings up feelings of despair, inadequacy, and loneliness.
Whether you’re single or in that vaguely erotic and amorous, but ill-defined dynamic with someone we like to call a situationship, Valentine’s Day is a time when people who expect grand romantic gestures, bouquets and dates can become acutely aware of the lack of flower delivery to your door.
Instead of spending this February 14th feeling sorry for yourself, jealous of other people’s relationships, or planning an anti-Valentine’s Day party with your girlfriends, spend the evening doing something healthier and more obviously pleasurable: masturbating!
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Masturbation for stressful times
I force myself to be completely unproductive one day a week: no catching up on posters for my graphic design job, no freelance emails to my managers about the podcast I’m editing, no work on my novel, no writing this column. I woke up on one such day recently and felt a bit aimless and vaguely horny, untroubled by the lack of work.
I grabbed my phone on the couch and started striking the classic single pose at 9 a.m. on a Saturday: one hand on my crotch while the other looked for internet porn to mindlessly masturbate to.
But I decided I deserve better. Why mindlessly jerk off on the couch when I can roll out the red carpet myself?
I set the mood with the psychedelic rock playlist I usually play during dates, pulled out all my lube (from my trusty jar of Boy Butter to the tube of emergency AstroGlide that I usually lost under my bed), and dusted off my robot blowjob machine and my dildo.
I really showed up for myself that day, and all on my own I achieved the kind of full-body orgasm I usually associate with particularly good sex. I was as surprised by the fact that I could do that as I was by the fact that I don’t do it more often.
In stressful times like these, we all desperately need relief. Masturbation is a great outlet – and yes, I come with the science to prove it!
Masturbating releases several hormones related to your brain’s reward system, such as dopamine. It also causes an avalanche of endorphins, which makes your body feel less stressed. You don’t even have to reach a climax, just rub. Research shows that Stimulation of the clitoris helps improve the mood and induce relaxation, and the literal act of self-soothing and self-pleasure reduces anxiety. Masturbation has also been found to improve cognitive function as we age- another good reason to touch yourself!
Despite the long-standing taboo surrounding masturbation, research conducted by the International Society for Sex Medicine reports that people of all age groups – from adolescents to people aged 70 and over– masturbate regularly.
Another study found that in 46 percent of perimenopausal women and 32 percent of postmenopausal women, masturbation had a positive effect on at least one of their uncomfortable symptoms, from improving sleep or mood to reducing vaginal pain. And for some people aged 50 and over, masturbation can boost memory.
Finally, although the science is not yet conclusive, research shows that in men and other people with a prostate, more frequent ejaculation is associated with a lower risk of prostate cancer.
What could be more romantic on Valentine’s Day than warding off cancer?
To porn or not to porn
I am a supporter of the adult entertainment industry.
In my writing and in my life, I talk about and celebrate all kinds of sex work because that is one of the many ways to destigmatize this field. I also believe that sex work should be decriminalized, and that censorship laws such as the new online age verification laws that have been entered about half of the USrequiring users to share sensitive information, such as biometric data, to access sexual content are dangerous.
(Read more: Collectives of sex workers in Seattle provide health care to their communities)
But that said, some research has shown that excessive porn consumption can change the chemistry in your brainleading to poorer impulse controldifficulty focusing, and dopamine chasing cycles of addiction. So it might be fun to experiment this Valentine’s Day with a little more mindful masturbation, using nothing but your body, some toys if you have them, and your imagination.
Mindful masturbation combines self-pleasure with meditation; it’s a tool that can be used to become more in tune with the body and eliminate the dopamine search that comes with swiping apps or scrolling through a lot of pornography. Instead of setting goals for this masturbation session…I have to come!– mindful masturbation is a practice that asks you to be in the present moment, notice the body and see what is happening.
Similar to body scanning during meditation, you can begin by moving your hands all over your body and exploring where a new and surprising erotic sensation may arise. Just like with traditional meditation, you can let your thoughts wander here and be surprised by the memories and emotions that come to the surface. And then: let them go as you continue to touch yourself, from the usual erotic zones you may already know to other areas you rarely pay attention to.
What a totally psychedelic way to treat yourself on Valentine’s Day.
Instead, if you’re still eager to masturbate with some visual or audio assistance (I know I do!) but find yourself distracted, worried, or alienated by the mainstream porn that comes across your feed on websites like PornHub, then I have a few recommendations.
The website Ersties has an all-female production team that focuses on female pleasure and intimate moments. I find the production style of the videos, similar to the glossy, bespoke, viral aesthetic of internet game shows and tutorials, comforting and strangely erotic. There is also beautya studio that makes porn ‘by women, for everyone who wants something real’.
(Read more: Sex workers fear that Border Patrol’s new social media requirements could make travel in the US off-limits)
For example, the first Ersties video that caught my attention was 2025’s “Orgy My Way,” in which twenty contestants of many genders compete in seven rounds of erotic games involving red flag reveals, an oral sex contest, and a strip challenge, all to compete in an ultimate orgy. It felt like I was watching an entertaining game show on Netflix that also happened to be pornographic.
Quinna very popular audio erotica platform, has more than 350,000 followers on Instagram. Quinn has a whole library of short and sexy stories that you can listen to while you’re jerking off (or cleaning the house, or on the road, or whatever).
Internet friends are regularly cast to tell their stories. Christopher Briney, of The summer when I became beautiful, plays the role of a man who falls in love with his brother’s ex in one story. In another, Heated rivalry‘s Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams star as hostile princes of hostile kingdoms locked in an erotic competition.
If internet girlfriends are your thing, Kate Moennig (yes, Shane from The L word) even plays a rock star retired to a ranch in Montana. Sapphic sexiness arises.
With fantasies and sex toys like these at your fingertips, who needs a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day?
#masturbate #Valentines #Day