Unpacking Sexual Trauma and Fantasy: How Shame Shapes Our Sexual Stories – Sexual Health Alliance

Have you ever had a fantasy that made you blush… and then immediately wondered: “Wait, what does that say about me?”

You’re not alone.

In a recent post, we explored how gender and sexual orientation shape sexual fantasies. This time we dive into new research from a team in Montreal investigating how sexual trauma, fantasy and shame are linkedand what that means for sexual well-being.

Setting the Scene: Sexual Trauma and Fantasy

If The research of Dr. Justin Lehmiller reminds us that sexual fantasies are fluid and complex–shaped by everything from personal experiences to social and cultural norms. They can fulfill many roles: curiosity, stress relief, self-expression or emotional regulation.

Two fantasy types often explored in research include:

While these themes may make some people uncomfortable, they are far from rare and can mean very different things to different people. For some, a power exchange fantasy may represent trust or control. For others, it can be a way to process or reframe experiences of fear or vulnerability.

Why background matters

Sexual trauma is unfortunately common all over the world:

Both forms of trauma are associated with long-term emotional and relational effects, including depression, anxiety, guilt, and shame erotophobiaa fear or aversion to sexual intimacy. Survivors may find it difficult to trust partners, feel safe in their bodies, or separate sexual pleasure from memories of harm.

But fantasy can also be a form of meaning-making and even therapy. When explored safely and without judgment, fantasy has the potential to help people reconnect with desire, understand their trauma stories, and regain a sense of agency..

Sexual Trauma and Fantasy: The Study

Montreal researchers surveyed more than 1,400 adults about their sexual fantasies, trauma history and levels of shame. To use latent profile analysis (a statistical method that identifies different groups based on shared patterns), they discovered three main fantasy profiles:

Fantasy-Lite:

• Fewer fantasies and low shame (think PG-13 daydreams).

• Almost 60% of the participants fell into this group.

• It’s more likely that he identifies as straight.

• Reported fewer psychological problems and more comfort with their sexuality in general.

Submission-related shame:

• Frequent fantasies of submission or victimhood, accompanied by significant shame.

• About 30% of the participants.
  More common in bisexual/pansexual individuals and survivors of adult violence.

• Higher levels of erotophobia and emotional distress.

Perpetrator-related shame:

• Dominant or aggressor fantasies, also associated with feelings of guilt and discomfort.

• About 10% of the participants.

• More common in men and in people who identify as gay or queer.

• Associated with histories of childhood sexual abuse.

Importantly, BDSM-related fantasies occurred across all profiles, but the factor most associated with anxiety was not the fantasy content itself. It was the shame surrounding it.

So why the shame spiral?

Many people (including professionals) still assume that violent or dominant fantasies mean something is ‘wrong’. But the truth? They are incredibly common. Research shows that 40-90% of adults report having at least one fantasy about power dynamics, coercion or submission..

For some, especially survivors, these fantasies have the potential to trigger both fun and panic. They can be a way to regain control over a situation once characterized by powerlessness, or conversely they can induce fear or confusion. Both experiences are valid and deserve gentle exploration, not judgment.

Shame often stems from social scripts that label certain sexual thoughts as ‘dirty’, ‘dangerous’ or ‘deviant’. But shame doesn’t just silence; it distorts. It can cause people to feel negative emotions because they have thoughts that are actually very common.

Sexual trauma and fantasy: from science to practice

For sexual health professionals, this research reinforces that the goal is not necessarily analyze a fantasy, it’s about understanding the emotion behind it.

Here are a few key insights:

• Normalize fantasies. Everyone has them, survivors and non-survivors alike. By reducing stigma, clients can approach them with curiosity rather than shame.

• Pay attention to the power dynamics. How someone positions themselves (dominant, submissive, victim, observer) can have emotional significance, especially for survivors of sexual violence in adulthood.

• Name the feelings. Encourage reflection: Does this fantasy feel empowering, uncomfortable, healing, or disturbing?

• Contextualizing trauma. Frames like Finkelhor & Browne’s traumagenic dynamic model help unravel how abuse shapes sexual scripts through four mechanisms: traumatic sexualization, betrayal, powerlessness, and stigmatization.

Fantasies can also heal

Fantasies can be more than a source of excitement; they can be instruments for making meaning. For survivors, they can mean taking back control, rewriting an old script, or exploring pleasure in a personal, self-directed way.

For others, fantasies can unexpectedly bring to the surface trauma and cause distress. The difference often lies in the way the fantasy is designed feels and what it is like integrated. With support and reflection, even troubling fantasies can become windows to deeper healing and self-understanding.

A therapist or sexual health professional can help a person discern whether a fantasy is helping them regain their agency or keeping them stuck in a cycle of shame. When handled with compassion, fantasy can serve as a bridge between pain and empowerment.

Big picture: Fantasies are multi-dimensional

Let’s be clear:

Fantasies are private mental landscapes; ways the mind explores, processes and sometimes heals. They can be problematic if it is carried out in a way that crosses boundaries or causes harmnot just because they exist.

This study underlines what many sexual health professionals already know: when shame loosens its grip, healing can begin. By intentionally fostering curiosity, compassion and open dialogue, we help people feel safe and explore their erotic imagination with confidence rather than fear.

Because ultimately, our fantasies are not the problem. Our shame is.

Ready to take the next step in your career as a sexual health professional and help others confidently navigate topics of fantasy, desire, and shame?

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Curious to dive deeper into sexual desire and fantasy? Join global experts like Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller op SHA’s expert-led events, offered year-round to keep your skills sharp and your perspective fresh.