Question for Eric: Brother bullies siblings over caring for their elderly mother

Dear Erik: My mother is in her last months of life. For the past three years, she has been cared for at home by increasingly expensive home care workers. I and other siblings have suggested time and time again that she be placed in a nursing home for 24 hour care, but our oldest sibling (we’ll call them Jimmy) has steadfastly refused, saying that nursing homes let people die and neglect patients and cause massive bedsores and all kinds of horrible exaggerated excuses.

Well, now that Jimmy’s own mother-in-law is going into a nursing home, Jimmy has decided it’s time for our mother to go too.

We’ve had family meetings where we decide as a brother or sister how to care for our mother, and then Jimmy goes against the group decision. Prior to the conflict over our mother’s care, I had a good, if not close, relationship with this sibling, but now I am so frustrated with the selfish choices made regarding our mother’s care that I am ready to say goodbye forever once my mother is buried.

Should I let years of bullying about our mother’s care be the reason to cut off contact with Jimmy?

– Frustrated sister

Dear sister: It is truly a shame that Jimmy has to deal with the stress, confusion and sadness of this stage of life by refusing to cooperate and resorting to, as you write this, bullying behavior. Maybe in his mind he is the one keeping the ship right. Perhaps he longs for a version of life that is no longer possible. I have empathy for him and for you, but the fact is that regardless of his intentions, he has caused damage to your relationship and it needs to be repaired.

Don’t interrupt him, but have a conversation with him about the way you interacted with him in the past. There’s no need to revisit old conflicts, but it’s okay to say something like “I didn’t like being in conflict over my mother’s care. I want us to have a different relationship in the future. How can we do that?”

Dear Erik: My husband and I moved to a new city last year and wanted to make friends. We quickly became close with another couple, ‘Susan and Mike’, and saw them often. However, after several months I realized that while I enjoyed Susan’s company, Mike is not someone I feel comfortable with.

He is a heavy drinker and makes sexist and racist comments that make me cringe. I have contacted Susan several times to suggest that we do things alone together, but unfortunately they are quite at odds.

She has contacted us several times over the past few months to ask about our next meeting, and each time I pretended we had conflicts but did not suggest alternative dates. She contacted me again today and I feel bad.

I can’t keep avoiding them, but I’m not sure how best to put some distance between us without creating ill will. I don’t think this is the best policy to be honest, but maybe I’m just trying to avoid the inevitable.

– Disconnect the torque