I would give in to it again if I thought he was really going to get hurt, but I don’t understand how painful it is to wear a tie for an hour.
The real problem is that he hates wearing formal clothes. I feel that his refusal to wear a tuxedo or tie shows a lack of respect for what to me is an extremely important formal ceremony. It feels like he cares more about not wearing formal clothes than he does about his daughter.
When I told my mother that I was unhappy with his decision, I was told an anecdote that implied that I cared more about clothes and appearance than my father, who loves me, and that I should just take what I could get and let the rest go.
Am I really that unreasonable?
GENTLE READER: The person who cares too much about clothes is your father.
He cares so much about what he wears that he upsets his beloved daughter on a unique and special occasion.
Like you, he views formal clothing as symbolic. But while you interpret formality as a show of respect and festivity, he believes it symbolizes snobbery. Your version is indeed the standard version, but his is typical of a (usually male) minority.
Miss Manners agrees that one of you must put those feelings aside simply to give in to the other’s strongly held feelings, no matter how wrong you think they are. Someone has to be the adult here. You would expect a father to do this for his daughter, especially for an hour at her wedding. But because yours refuses, you’re stuck with rising above the childishness.
If guests are surprised – or, more likely, amused – because your dad doesn’t have a tie and is wearing sneakers, that’s his problem.
He may not care about their reactions, or he may take pride in defying the dress code. However, you can warn him that his act of rebellion could be interpreted as disapproval of the wedding.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it in bad taste to throw a baby shower for yourself?
GENTLE READER: Yes, whether you are the baby, the embryo or the mother. And that goes for the mother’s mother, and for everyone in the family.Unfortunately, organizing your own shower (or that of a family member) emphasizes that you don’t have friends who care enough to do it.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I remember reading about old invitation cards that said, ‘Tea at 5, carriages at 7.30.’
GENTLE READER: Yes, it was a polite way of saying, “Don’t think you’re staying for dinner.”
Send your questions to Miss Manners on her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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