‘It takes the pressure off’: The benefits and challenges of being in trouble

Helen, Lena and Hugh (surnames withheld) say they are three “sensitive and passionate people” who are in a relationship together. Now that they’ve experienced life in a ‘throuple’, they say it would be difficult to return to monogamy.

They believe that having a relationship of three keeps things interesting, takes the pressure off and – contrary to popular belief – is good for their self-esteem.

“It can be so helpful to switch between the two, for lack of a better phrase, because we all get different things from each other,” Hugh, 30, told The Feed.

“It takes the pressure off because my partner can get what he or she needs from someone else and I’m still completely loved. That’s so wonderful,” Helen, 27, added.

On social media, throuples – or triads – share details about their relationships, causing some to ask questions and wonder.

Sera Bozza, founder of dating coaching brand Sideswiped, says commitment now defies ‘one-size-fits-all’ labels.

“We’re seeing more and more people opening up to ethical non-monogamy as it allows them to explore their sexual and emotional needs without being tied to one relationship framework,” she told The Feed.

Research from dating app Tinder seems to support this, with 41 percent of Generation Zers being open to this non-monogamous dating.

Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, said: “The under-40s are exploring all kinds of alternatives to relationships, so we are seeing a generational change and that will carry over into later life.”

“The traditional model hasn’t worked for everyone throughout their lives.”

Here are why Hugh, Helen and Lena – and others – believe a group works, the challenges it presents, and how it can also provide a journey for personal growth.

Becoming three

Best friends Helen and Lena, now 33, over time realized they were bisexual and had feelings for each other. Additionally, Lena met Hugh in 2018 and they became a couple, with Helen later moving in with them to help out on their farm. After Hugh and Lena broke up, they all continued to live together as good friends. Feelings arose between Hugh and Helen, and Helen and Lena, while Lena and Hugh couldn’t quite let go of each other.

Helen says it took time and many conversations to get their emotions under control.

Managing the needs of three people in a relationship isn’t easy and over time a three-way arrangement can become untenable, experts say. Source: Getty / Eric O’Connell

After thinking about it, they tried it. For more than a year and a half, Helen, Hugh and Lena have been a group, open to others yet committed to their daily lives and future as a trio.

‘It’s a normal relationship now; it just suited us,” said Hugh.

Joy to see others happy

Abbey Mackay and her husband Liam have embraced non-monogamy since 2014 and dated the same woman for about eight months.

“We have an open relationship where we form meaningful connections with others, but not actively build a life with them,” says Abbey, who also produces a newsletter and podcast, Evolving Love Project.

She said their experience with the woman was “very positive”.

“We had a very strong friendship and we could also be very intimate, the three of us.”

A happy couple shares an embrace and smiles at the camera.

Abbey Mackay and her husband Liam have been in an open relationship for ten years. Source: Delivered

Abbey did not feel jealousy, but instead experienced compassion – joy through her partner’s relationship with another.

“It’s the opposite of jealousy, a feeling of happiness. Seeing your partner as an independent person can be stimulating.

“It reminds us that other people really love it, and that’s hot.”

It can be refreshing to see your partner as an independent person.
Mackay Abbey

Less pressure to be everything

Lena, Hugh and Helen enjoy their own bedrooms and personal space, but also share communal areas.

They find that whole life offers more individual freedom than couple dynamics, reducing the pressure to be everything to one partner.

“In a couple there is so much pressure,” Hugh explained. “With three, there’s a different dynamic. Helen and Lena don’t give me the same things, Lena gives different things to Helen, and I know we don’t give the same things to Lena.

“For example, Lena and Helen share a passion for TV shows and comic books. It was something Lena and I struggled with as a couple because I couldn’t keep up. Now I feel less pressure.”

Helen says it’s empowering to be loved and accepted without having to meet all the expectations.

“If you fall short in some way and are loved for who you really are, it is good for your self-esteem.

“A third person can also help reduce tension and provide objectivity in disputes.”

And financially, having three incomes makes things easier, Hugh added.

“We all want to work part-time and that is possible.”

Bozza agrees that people can share the emotional burden.

“No one person carries the burden of being everything to their partner: their best friend, therapist, travel buddy, inspiration, tease, and comfort. It spreads the load and lets everyone breathe a little easier.

“Three people also provide more perspectives, emotional support and possibly more excitement.”

When things get complicated

But the downsides of being in trouble can be jealousy and decision-making overload, Bozza says.

“Balancing the feelings, expectations and desires of three people is no easy task.”

Hugh admits that being three can sometimes be difficult.

“It’s hard enough when two people agree; adding a third complicates things.”

He says they try to remain objective in disputes, otherwise it can feel like two against one, or one in the middle.

“When I’m frustrated, it’s tempting to get someone on your side, but that’s not fair. If I’ve upset Helen, she needs to talk to Lena, but we can’t both go to her.’

The tension can feel more intense, Helen adds.

“If there is a conflict between the two of us, you can’t really take someone’s side. I find that quite difficult.”

Two men and a woman sit on a bed, away from the camera, as the two men touch hands behind the woman.

Being in a three-way relationship can take the pressure off each person to be everything to their partner, but the dynamics can be complicated to navigate, experts say. Source: Getty / Visoot Uthairam

Intimacy between them sometimes involves all three, sometimes a combination of two. They admit that there may be jealousy.

“It’s a big thing,” Hugh admits. ‘We have only been able to grow in this relationship by overcoming jealousy, envy and possession.

“But overcoming these feelings opens up a healthier dynamic that is really fun and helpful in other aspects of life.”

Communication is everything

Negotiating closeness and distance is essential in any relationship, and throuples are no exception, says Shaw.

“All three partners need to make sure everyone feels wanted, loved and safe. Three can be very intense and it can be easy for someone to feel left out, which can be very hurtful.

“If the needs of three people have to be met over time, it may not be sustainable.”

Bozza says throuples demand more effort, not less.

“Everyone needs to fully invest in clear communication and honesty. It’s about knowing who you are and what you’re looking for, and making sure everyone is on the same page.

“Regular check-ins where everyone explains their feelings are essential.”

She adds that combining one-on-one time with group time helps prevent feelings of resentment.

She also advises people who are in trouble to set clear boundaries, address jealousy quickly and stay flexible.

“People change, feelings change and dynamics change.”

Rules that ‘don’t make sense’

Hugh, Helen and Lena say they are determined to stay together and are even considering starting a family.

“Our relationship may take many different forms, but ultimately we will nest together,” Hugh said.

Helen says she had to deal with societal expectations that children should be raised in a monogamous environment.

“It feels like you’re doing something wrong, but people once thought same-sex parenting was wrong too. I worry about the judgments our children may face, but having three people involved will help us tremendously.”

Hugh and Helen say they can no longer imagine being in a monogamous relationship.

“I’d have a hard time with it,” Hugh admitted. “We are all very sensitive, passionate people. To make the decisions we make, we have to find a balance between passionate and crazy.”

For Helen it’s about freedom.

“Life is all about experiences and I don’t want mine to be limited by rules that don’t make sense to me.”

[This article was originally published in October 2024]

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