Why infidelity is so difficult to understand
One of the reasons infidelity is so devastating is that it feels deeply personal. When someone leaves a relationship, it’s easy (and often automatic) to assume:
Juliane directly challenges this assumption.
She explains infidelity is rarely about the third person or even the behavior itself. While that may seem counterintuitive, it is a consistent clinical observation. Affairs are not usually determined by the attractiveness of a specific individual; rather, they emerge from a complex web of internal and relational dynamics that have often unfolded over years.
This does not absolve the unfaithful partner from responsibility. Accountability is still important. But focusing solely on the action – or on the person outside the relationship – can make it unclear what really needs attention when healing occurs.
Looking ‘under the hood’ of infidelity
Juliane uses the metaphor of what happens ‘under the hood’ to describe the psychological and relational processes behind an affair. These may include:
unexpressed needs or desires
long-term emotional disconnection
unresolved conflict or grudge
identity shifts or developmental transitions
suture wounds or trauma history
avoiding intimacy or vulnerability
Often these problems are not consciously recognized by either partner until the crisis of infidelity brings everything to the surface.
From a therapeutic perspective, the affair itself is not the whole story. It’s one symptom– a dramatic and painful one – but still a symptom of a deeper dynamic that was already present.
Infidelity as a crisis – and an opportunity
The fact that infidelity creates a crisis cannot be downplayed. Juliane is clear about that. Affairs are deeply destabilizing and the pain they cause is real and justified.
At the same time, she highlights something that can feel surprising in the midst of devastation: A crisis can also create an opening.
When people are willing and supported to ask deeper questions – rather than rush to judgment – infidelity can become a turning point. Questions such as:
Why did this happen? now?
What happened internally with the partner who left?
What happened in the relationship that wasn’t addressed?
What needs were not expressed, seen or understood?
These questions are not about guilt. They are about meaning. And meaning is where healing begins.
Juliane’s clinical experience shows that when couples engage in this type of exploration, the work can lead to results deep transformation– whether the relationship ultimately lasts or not.
The myth of ‘zero tolerance’
A common cultural attitude surrounding infidelity is what Juliane describes as a zero tolerance approach: If someone cheats, the relationship is automatically over. Trust has been irreparably broken. There’s nothing to discuss.
While this response can be empowering or protective, Juliane warns that it often oversimplifies a very complex reality.
In her practice she regularly sees people come in who quietly ask for something that they are almost ashamed of: permission to stay.
They can still be angry and hurt. They may not know if they do should stay. But they want help understanding what happened and whether repairs are possible.
Juliane emphasizes that these desires are not signs of weakness. They are signs of emotional honesty.
Wanting to stay is not a moral failure
Many people assume that staying after infidelity means tolerating betrayal or condoning harm. Juliane completely reformulates this.
She explains that people who want to work on the relationship after an affair are often looking for:
understanding, not denial
responsibility, not avoidance
healing, not erasing pain
They want to know that what happened isn’t just proof that their partner is irredeemably flawed. They want language because of the complexity in which they live.
This is especially important because infidelity is rarely the result of a single bad decision in an otherwise healthy system. It often reflects patterns that both partners have been living with for a long time, sometimes unconsciously.
When business becomes an ‘exit strategy’
Juliane also mentions a difficult but clinically significant reality: sometimes issues arise in relationships that were already in deep trouble or were no longer viable.
In these cases, the affair can function – unconsciously – as an exit strategy.
This does not make the business healthy, fair or productive. But it does suggest that the relationship itself may have struggled to end in a more direct or communicative way.
By understanding this context, individuals can avoid reducing the entire history of a relationship to the moment of betrayal. It can also support clearer decision-making about whether repair or separation is the healthiest path forward.
Accountability without moral condemnation
A crucial part of Juliane’s perspective is that Understanding is not the same as apologizing.
The partner who committed infidelity must still take responsibility for their choices. Repair cannot happen without accountability, transparency and sustained effort.
However, responsibility rooted in curiosity and compassion is much more effective than responsibility rooted solely in shame.
When people can explore the “why” of infidelity, they are more likely to:
take meaningful responsibility
understand their own patterns
make different choices in the future
be honestly involved in the repair
Moral condemnation may be satisfying in the short term, but it often shuts down the very conversations that make change possible.
Why this perspective is important for healing
Juliane’s approach offers a powerful alternative to the dominant narrative surrounding infidelity. Instead of just asking, “Can I ever trust them again?”she invites people to also ask:
What happened that neither of us could say out loud?
What does this crisis reveal about us individually and together?
What kind of relationship do we want to build from here – together or separately?
These questions move people beyond binary thinking and toward reflective, intentional decision-making.
For some couples, this process leads to reconciliation and a relationship that is more honest and connected than before. For others, it leads to a thoughtful, compassionate divorce rather than a reactive one.
In both cases, the goal is not to “save” the relationship at all costs, but to supporting psychological and relational integrity.
Implications for therapists and physicians
For sexual health professionals, sex therapistsAnd sexuality counselorsJuliane’s insights have important implications:
Infidelity must be approached as a complex relational phenomenon, and not just as a behavioral abuse.
Clients often need explicit permission to explore repair without shame.
Zero-tolerance frameworks can prematurely rule out healing options.
Deep work requires attention to individual psychology And relationship dynamics.
Clinicians who can capture this complexity help clients move beyond reactivity and toward meaningful healing, regardless of the outcome.
Summary: Understanding infidelity
Licensed psychoanalyst and AASECT-certified sex therapist Juliane Maxwald explains that infidelity is rarely about the partner or the behavior itself. Instead, it reflects the complex underlying dynamics within the individual and the relationship. While infidelity creates a destabilizing crisis, it can also provide an opportunity for deep understanding and transformation. Many people ask permission to work on relationships after infidelity rather than immediately ending them. A zero-tolerance approach can miss important nuances and limit healing. Meaningful recovery requires accountability, investigation of root causes, and compassionate, informed support.
Last takeaway
Infidelity is painful. There is no shortcut around that truth.
But reducing it to a single moral judgment often prevents people from accessing the deeper understanding that healing requires. As Juliane Maxwald reminds us, when we are willing to look beneath the surface – without excusing harm or rushing to judgment – we create space for clarity, healing and transformation.
Whether a relationship continues or ends, the work of understanding infidelity can be deeply healing. And for many people, that work starts with permission: permission to ask why, permission to stay curious, and permission to choose a path that reflects their values rather than cultural reflexes.
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