In Yoga diaryIn the Archives series, we share a curated collection of articles originally published in back issues dating back to 1975. These stories offer a glimpse into how yoga has been interpreted, written about, and practiced over the years. This article first appeared in Yoga diary in 2016. Find more of our archives here.
On the list of things my girlfriend likes to do, yoga falls somewhere below scrubbing her kitchen floor and somewhere above listening to me explain Game of Thrones. Kate (an alias because my friend only agreed to this experiment if I kept her anonymous) has tried yoga a few times and recognizes the physical benefits, although she doesn’t exactly get excited about it. She is a scientifically minded person who looks at the world through an analytical lens. When the yoga classes she has taken become philosophical, she finds the practice too hippie and woo-woo.
After practicing yoga for over 10 years, I was optimistic that I could find the right algorithm of style, studio, and teacher that she would really like. Don’t get me wrong: I didn’t expect us to become that couple who goes to yoga retreats with partners. I just wanted her to get a glimpse of what I like about the practice and maybe benefit from it herself.
“It’ll be some kind of science experiment,” I told her, trying to sell it in a way that appealed to her. “There is a hypothesis and we are going to test it by changing some variables.”
“Oh please,” she said, criticizing my nonsense, as she does all too well. But after persistent persistence, she finally gave in and agreed to my terms. One week, six lessons, no pressure and honest feedback.
“Are there any questions I need to think about during the lesson? Is there an outline for the article or is the intention to keep me guessing?” Kate asked. I told her all she had to do was show up.
Class 1: Hot Yoga
I chose this first lesson to more easily involve Kate in our experiment. It was active and led by a playful teacher who added little bursts of yogic insight to her lessons. As we drove to class, Kate told me about a rule: I couldn’t roll out my mat next to hers. She told me she didn’t want me to look at her. It was her way of staying anonymous.
I was still looking at her in the mirror on the front wall. About 30 minutes into class I saw her confidently holding Dancer Pose. A few minutes later, she easily found herself in an awkward situation. I wasn’t surprised because Kate is strong and flexible. At weddings, she is known for bringing Side Crow onto the dance floor, a move she calls “breakdancing.”
Class 2: Restorative yoga
I knew the next lesson would make Kate uncomfortable. It was slow and led by an eccentric instructor who used phrases like “unleashing the fire from your soul.” I also knew that the studio, decorated with prayer flags and a giant Buddha, would make Kate cringe.
Constant movement is Kate’s preferred state and when she was forced to sit and listen to the instructor talk about growing into our true nature, I could feel her discomfort. We moved in long, silent stretches of restorative poses, and I caught a ‘why-did-you-bring-me-here’ look as she struggled to stay still with her thoughts. So I did what any man would do and avoided further eye contact.
When class was over, she packed her things and quickly left. “If I only have an hour to train, I’m not going to a class like that,” she said. “All I could think about was how many dirty faces had been on the pillow I was using.”
I considered the lesson a failed attempt. But when we talked the next day, she said her hips felt more open, which surprised her in a good way. She also said that during a long moment of silence, she started listening to her heartbeat. It was loud and she thought about the action of her heart pumping blood through her body. “I felt alive,” she said.
Class 3: Hatha yoga
Our next class was in a small studio tucked into the corner of a strip mall. When Kate arrived, she smiled and rolled out her mat next to mine, breaking her previous “I need space” rule.
The class focused on the mechanics of each pose as we moved through a series of deep stretches, which I knew would be more up Kate’s alley. “I like the challenge of balancing and I like it when I can do it,” she said. Full disclosure: I also promised her takeout from Whole Foods Market after class.
Class 4: Power Yoga
I have scheduled our next class at a fitness-based studio that reinforces yoga as an exercise. My sideways glances made it seem as if Kate was focusing on herself as we moved through the fast current. She later told me that she focused on parts of her body that were holding tension and tried to release it. She began to embrace the connection between the physical and mental in yoga. Was her resistance beginning to crack?
During the class, the instructor talked about quieting the chatter in our minds and not becoming fixated on trying to understand the “why” of everything. Ideal, I thought. This speaks directly to Kate. When I later asked her if what the instructor had said resonated, she replied, “I wasn’t listening. I was sweating and my muscles felt like they were being worked out.”
Class 5: Level 2 Vinyasa
Kate’s friend Meghan suggested we come over Friday evening and join her for a Saturday morning class at a popular studio. When we arrived at Meghan’s we were greeted with a glass of wine, which turned into a few more glasses with dinner, leading to the opening of a new bottle. The next morning was a little rough.
Not surprisingly, Kate tried to talk her way out of attending the class, but Meghan and I handled the peer pressure and convinced her to go. The moment we walked into the crowded classroom, I was afraid Kate was going to kill me. About 15 minutes later, the instructor noticed Kate slipping on her new mat. He came to help, but she suddenly lost her grip and fell on her stomach. She left the class under the guise of another mat and never returned.
Meghan and I stayed until the end and found Kate asleep in the backseat of the car. She was silent for the rest of the morning, stewing in a mix of anger, shame, and hangover. I thought for sure that all the progress I had made was lost.
Class 6: Flow at all levels
Kate recovered from Saturday in time for class the next day, but I sensed she was ready for this experiment to be over. I chose to take her to a vinyasa flow class at a smaller studio that marketed itself as a “healing retreat.”
I immediately regretted my decision to come here. The instructor began a lengthy dharma talk about gods, mothers, and chakras before the class, followed by chanting and chanting. Then things changed as we picked up the pace. I glanced at Kate and she seemed in tune with the teacher’s verbal cues. Seeing this helped me let go of my negative thoughts and sink into my own practice.
As we walked out to leave, Kate said she liked the instructor’s comment about being okay with where you were at any time in your practice. “This is the first class where I understood the breathing pattern in certain poses,” she explained. Kate seemed calm, comfortable and happy.
Results and conclusion
Has this experience changed Kate’s attitude towards yoga? Maybe a little.
She said she liked how she felt after a vigorous class and talked about incorporating it into her workout routine. Note to yourself and others trying to convince their partner to enjoy yoga: Choose your classes wisely, give your partner space, and consider a small reward afterward.
But I rethought what I wanted to achieve with this experiment. All week I was so concerned about Kate’s experience that I was never fully present myself. Besides, my yoga is not her yoga. If she decides to stick with yoga, Kate will discover what is good and resonates with her. She always does that. But I had no control over her experience. And there was no need to push her down a path based on what I thought was right.
We’ll probably end up doing yoga together again, although something tells me we’ll never be one of those couples who hold hands during Savasana. And that’s okay. I just appreciate her showing up. That in itself is sufficient.
This article has been updated. Originally published on September 14, 2016.
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