If your father is a man of few words, you have probably already discovered that silence does not necessarily mean distance. “Some men were taught to love in the presence, no paragraphs – and that still counts,” says Melanie Preston, a therapist in Atlanta whose father has always come to a strong but quiet. She remembers that he comforted her during the difficult times of life with a pat on the back or a hand on her knee.
“That was all I needed because it spoke volumes,” she says. “We even talk if we don’t talk.”
Yet it is sometimes nice to hear, well, real words. A PEW Research Center questionnaire Discovered that fathers have a better chance than mothers to say that they communicate with their children less often than they would like – and many young adults feel the same Desire to make more contact with their fathers.
We asked experts to share simple strategies to make silent fathers talk to talk more (and perhaps even enjoy it).
Meet him where he is – literally
Some fathers are doers who like to keep their hands busy. That is why it is a good idea to meet yours where he is, says Preston, or that is under the Mustang that he recovers or next to him on his canoe. Her father owned a truck company, so growing up, she often went to him during the weekend while he washing and repaired 18-wheelers. “He may have asked me to hand him tools, but we were talking about school, or he gave me advice,” she says. Think about what your father is currently holding and meets him there. “I think fathers are the most comfortable in what their element is. There will be a conversation that you can have, and he won’t even really know.”
Sit next to him, not for him
Eye contact can make a conversation as an interview, so try to sit next to your father, Nicole Herway suggests, a therapist in Sandy, Utah and the self -described daughter of a silent father. Invite him for an event like a baseball game, which you both look straight ahead, look aimed at the action. Or go shopping together.
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“If I sit down for my father and ask him to share something, he is just like:” Oh, you don’t want to hear that, “she says.” But if you do something together, even as simple as going to the supermarket, you can bring a box of breakfast cereals down and say: “Did they have this when you were a child? What did you eat for breakfast when you were small? ” ‘The next thing you know, you will hear everything about the cooked egg that he had every morning, and how there was no thing in his day in his day.
Focus on the story, not on the feelings
Nostalgia is the best friend of a silent father, says Herway. Open a conversation by asking him to share one of the simple stories that he likes to tell again and again – but this time ask for more details. The feelings are within the story itself, she adds, so although your father may not realize that he is sharing certain emotions, you can notice and appreciate them.
“Fathers like to say:” It was 1962 and I was in the baseball team of Red Devils, “says Herway.” People will think: “Oh, there is another story, but my father actually doesn’t share anything personal.” But if you actually listen to the story, you will share that daddy about when he was worried, if he was overwhelmed or he was excited.
Try a different type of communication
The father of Mike de la Rocha did not often say his sons that he loved them – although he did, “more than life itself.” “His own father never said ‘I love you’, so he showed his love to me by offering everything, protecting and doing everything that a socially acceptable man should do,” says De La Rocha, author of the book Holy lessons: my father learn how to love.
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If you have trouble communicating in a personal conversation, consider other ways to connect. For example, you could write a letter or make the habit of exchange e -mails during the weekend or in the morning, says De la Rocha. Developing a more communicative relationship “is a process instead of a destination,” he adds. “It is not being done one-and-it.”
Humor
Talking about important topics can be overwhelming for fathers who do not share much. Diffuse that intensity with humor, Herway suggests. Share your favorite joke, show him a funny video on your phone or propose to the latest meme circling on the internet. “I tell people, if your father is not bursting, try some humor – that’s my secret weapon,” she says. Wiscracking helps to relieve the mood and to facilitate the conversation and connection. As Herway says: “If the front door does not work to open it, try a window, try the garage, try a different way to come in.”
Ask for help
Silent fathers are sometimes more comfortable to concentrate on their expertise than their vulnerabilities. The next time you are about a conversation, ask you to fire help instead of personal questions that can make him uncomfortable. Then listen carefully to what he says, because it might be revealing.
Imagine that you ask your father if he thinks you should buy a house that you have just traveled, for example. While he works through the pros and cons: “You can hear that he wants you to be safe, he wants you to be safe,” says Herway. You can then ask an open follow-up: what was the interest rate on his first home?
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“Start with something he feels comfortable with and then see if you can go a little further,” she says. “Although solving problem -solving scenarios does not necessarily open him in the beginning, they can be a good gateway.”
Open first
Vulnerability invites that vulnerability. If you want your father to go deeper, show him that it is safe, says Preston. She has discovered that, because she is getting older herself, she and her father can deal in new ways, so she makes it a point to tell him about her struggle with motherhood. “It opens the door for him to be able to share and say:” You know what, I didn’t always have it together when your mother and I raise you, “she says. “If you want transparency, try to be transparent.”
And remember: change will not happen at night
If you have a silent father, it can help to think about your relationship, such as taking care of a garden. “You have to prepare the soil, put the seeds in it, water and wait for it to grow,” says Jill Lamar, a therapist -based therapist with ThriveWorks who specializes in relationships and family dynamics. “You can’t force it. You lay the foundation and then keep coming back and keep poking gently.”
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She encourages her customers not to romantize their vision of an ideal father-daughter or father-son relationship. There are certainly ways to encourage him to talk more, but you will not change his personality and customs from one day to the next. Be patient and give him – and yourself -.
“We have all seen those films where the father and daughter, or the father and son, have a certain band and a convenience with each other, and of course we want that with our fathers,” says Lamar. “They can or may not be available for that – but you can enjoy whatever they are Are Available for, and continue to be willing to work on it and hope for continuous movement in the right direction. “
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