Why do so many people in England set the alarm for 2:30 am on Friday?
Either it’s the start of the 2025-26 Ashes, or Fred Dibnah’s Age of Steam on BBC Four is more watchable than we realised.
What’s all the excitement about?
England coach, New Zealander Brendon McCullum, whose vibe is usually somewhere between Gen X slacker and Buddhist hippie, called it “the greatest series of our entire lives”. It could be career-defining for England – and career-damaging for a major Australian team. All Ashes series are big; this one is absolutely Brobdingnagian.
Don’t England always get a beating in Australia?
England’s record over the last three tours is W0 D2 L13. The last time they won in Australia was 15 years ago. And the last time they got the Ashes back (instead of holding them) outside the home was 55 years ago.
Why will it be different this time?
Probably not. At this point we are contractually obligated to recite that old quote from the movie Clockwise. “It’s not the despair, Laura. I can bear the despair. It’s the hope.”
What is the form of both teams?
England drew 2-2 at home against India this summer, a series they should have won but could also have lost. More broadly, they have stolen Pakistan’s unofficial title as the world’s most erratic team. Australia lost the World Test Championship final to South Africa in June but defeated India 3-1 at home a year ago. The International Cricket Council rankings place them 1st versus 2nd – the first time this has been the case in the Ashes since 2006-07.
What happened then? An epic battle for the urn and world domination? One for all ages?
Australia won 5-0.
Oh. Why is there so much fuss about the English preparation?
England are simultaneously the best and worst prepared team to ever tour Australia. They’ve been planning this series since McCullum, Ben Stokes and Rob Key took over in the spring of 2022, building a bespoke team that they hope will be more Ocean’s Eleven than The Usual Suspects. But they have been heavily criticized – some might even say nasty – for playing just one warm-up match last week, at Lilac Hill near Perth. This England team prepares differently, and so far it has worked. In the Bazball era, they have won the first Test of all five overseas series.
How important is the start of the series?
Important enough, if you’re a fan of England, to turn your heart into a drum-n-bass song. Not such a melodic, soulful one either. The last time England came from behind to win in Australia was in 1954-55, and Ashes tours can spin out of control with dizzying speed. Realistically, England should be level or ahead after two Tests.
Why would English fans be concerned about Matthew Hayden walking naked around the Melbourne Cricket Ground?
All right-thinking people should fear such a surreal violation – as should Hayden, as it carries a prison sentence of up to six months under Victoria state law – but for England fans it would be especially painful. Hayden, a former Australia opener, says he will embrace a hitherto dormant naturist side if Joe Root does not score a century in the series. Despite a decent overall record, Root has never reached three figures in a Test in Australia.
Who are the most important men in England?
All because a) cricket is now a team game and b) you can probably afford at most two passengers in Australia. But Root, Stokes (the batsman), Stokes (the bowler), Stokes (the captain), Harry Brook – statistically the most attacking batsman in Test history – and Jofra Archer stand out.
What are the main areas of concern for England?
Two of the top three, Zak Crawley and Ollie Pope, have modest track records and often face feast or famine. Their only specialist spin bowler, 22-year-old Shoaib Bashir, will be targeted without a hint of mercy. And England’s fast bowlers are vulnerable to injury. England’s fastest growing pastime, morning doomscrolling in bed, could take on new meaning in the coming weeks as cricket fans digest yet another medical bulletin.
Is Australian run-machine Steve Smith still the bane of England’s existence?
At 36, Smith has fallen into the ranks of merely brilliant hitters. Since the last Ashes, his Test average is just 41. But over the past year, from an English perspective, he has seemed to be getting chillingly close to his best. When he captains against England – as he will in the first Test – he averages 112.
Are there any weaknesses on the Australian side?
They are without Josh Hazlewood and their captain, Pat Cummins, two of the legendary pace trio who have more than a thousand Test wickets between them, for at least the first Test. They opted for a bloated 15-man roster, reflecting the uncertainty surrounding the top three in particular. And only one of that team, Cameron Green, is in his 20s. Depending on which social media rabbit hole you are unlucky enough to stumble into, the age of the Australian team is proof that they are either hardened champions or squealing creatures waiting to be put out of their misery.
Why have Australian fields changed?
Blame Mr. Alastair Cook. His endless 244 not out in Melbourne in 2017-18 saw a change in the balance between bat and ball. In Test cricket, the 2020s are the most bowler-friendly decade in Australia since the 1950s. The first two games of this series, in Perth and Brisbane, could see dramatic low scoring.
Why does the Australian press hate this England team so much?
Like 99.94% of humanity, Australians prefer to have the moral high ground for themselves. After decades of mocking England for being rubbish and boring, they can’t really do that either – although the C-word will be back on the table as England takes on the traditional role of Poms to the slaughter.
Make your case for Australia winning
They are the better team and have home advantage. Above all, they are Australia.
And England?
They’ve put all their eggs in this basket. They even made the basket from the same terracotta as the ash urn. Australia is traditionally the most vulnerable when teams attack; The England team is specially designed for this. The most convincing thing is that some things are just meant to be that way. Right?
If England win, where would they be on the MBE meter?
Just under 2005 – but with fewer free drinks and no one watering the garden at 10 Downing Street. An England victory would complete the Bazball arc with a narrative tidiness bordering on schmaltz. It would also cement Stokes – who has already won a World Cup final, performed countless acts of superheroism, captained with empathetic, intuitive genius and redefined the alpha male in English sport – as England’s greatest ever cricketer.
So the dream is 5-0 England?
That’s the fantasy. For supporters with two eyes on both sides, the dream is for the series to be tied at 2-2 going into the final Test in Sydney. Should that happen, half of England will be living on Australian time – and it won’t be watching Fred Dibnah’s Age of Steam.
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