In Yoga diaryIn the Archives series, we share a curated collection of articles originally published in back issues dating back to 1975. These stories offer a glimpse into how yoga has been interpreted, written about, and practiced over the years. This article first appeared in Yoga diary in 2018. Find more of our archives here.
When someone cuts you off in traffic, is your first reaction to let them drive away quietly or to yell and give as much of a middle finger as possible? Dealing with any confrontation—whether it’s road rage or dealing with loved ones during the holidays—with a cool head comes down to learning to be compassionate. And like most things in life, it takes something excercise.
Katie Brauera former professional snowboarder and yoga teacher with over 10,000 hours of yoga certifications, has experienced her share of tough situations, both in competition and in everyday life. Over the years, she has practiced combining mindfulness with practical matters and came up with four basic things that are necessary when you move from self-awareness to compassion for others. Here Brauer outlines her approach.
How to be compassionate in every situation
Try to practice the following steps in the correct order, without skipping any.
1. Break
Pausing and reminding yourself to breathe, even for a second, puts enough space between you and your reaction to delay your reaction.
“Take a deep breath. Notice the sensation of breathing that is present in your own body,” says Brauer. “Let that feeling rise and fall.” Then you can continue to bring your attention inward.
2. Give them the benefit of the doubt
During that break, recognize that everyone is doing their best.
Taking this awareness into account creates more room for understanding – which inevitably leads to compassion. “Give people the benefit of the doubt,” says Brauer. “On this day, under the circumstances of what they are experiencing, they are doing the best they can with what they have at that moment.”
For example, in a traffic situation, instead of reacting immediately with anger or pain (How could they do that to me? I have a baby in the car!), you can take into account the experience of the other driver (Maybe they didn’t see me).
Some people like to practice sending out love and kindness, but if that’s asking a lot in the moment, Brauer suggests breathing in recognition and breathing out whatever the person needs in that moment, whether it’s love, patience, or strength. “When you inhale, you increase your ability to hold space,” she says. “As you exhale, you exhale support.”
If that’s a struggle, a tenet of tantric philosophy might resonate. Suppose all three of these statements are true: I’m nothing like you; I’m something like you; I am nothing but you. Essentially, even though we are composed of the same matter, we are still somehow our own person. And yet we are in this human experience together. No matter how different we are, there will always be a way to get along.
And don’t forget yourself when it comes to feeling compassion. “Not only do most people do their best, but so do you,” Braeur explains.
3. Check yourself
Recognizing when you’re being triggered is powerful, says Brauer, because it provides objective, and not just emotional, awareness of the situation.
“Controlling yourself is recognizing the impact someone’s action has on you,” says Brauer. This will help you gain clarity about what happened And the story you’ve created around it. Draw a clear line between these two things, says Brauer.
Returning to the example of road rage, she explains, “What happened he has cut you off. The story is that he came at you on purpose. Noticing what is true in your experience and distinguishing the action from its impact creates a distinction between objective facts and emotional responses.
Your nervous system is activated, Brauer says. “Controlling yourself is like putting on your oxygen mask. You have to regulate yourself in order to then calm your sympathetic nervous system.”
When we are triggered by external factors, one of two things can happen: we merge with that person (their pain causes our pain and as a result we lose our autonomy) or we are triggered by them (their action irritates us and we distance them from their humanity). Neither is helpful because they cause us to lose the ability to hold space for the other.
4. Think of the iceberg
Most situations in life are like icebergs. You can only see so much at once. At any given moment, only part of the moment, situation, or confrontation is revealed; the rest remains hidden.
“In that hidden space we have the opportunity to cultivate empathy – not just empathy for other people, but also self-compassion,” says Brauer. “The idea that you don’t know what you don’t know – that sinks into the heart and connects with the realization that there’s so much beneath the surface, that we’re all just in this crazy human experience and doing the best we can.”
Part of the human experience is understanding that What that we experience is constantly changing. Tomorrow we will know more than we know now. We’ll know even more next year. It’s a simple but powerful realization on the path to understanding how to be compassionate.
“Life would have no meaning if we knew everything,” Brauer says. “Practice enjoys the guarantee that there is always more to be revealed to us – more sweetness, more learning, more joy, more experiences.”
This article has been updated. Originally published on October 3, 2018.
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