Eric ask: Friend wants to end friendship without conflict

Dear Eric: I have a friend, from the university of 40 years ago, which I only now realize that I am a needy, self -transmitting narcissist. At all this time, absolutely nobody in my circle has ever liked her.

She drove people away, including her husband, but maybe I unknowingly thought I was different with me. She lived far away most of the time and our relationship is mainly by telephone.

Each interaction includes her “parts” updates about her possessions, houses, cars, rich people she deals with, how expensive and famous her children are, how perfect and accomplished her children, her great vacations and so on.

The times she visited have not gone well. Her children always tell mine how poor we are (we lead a good life comfortably), how everything they have is better and how small our house is. My children hate them.

I’m tired. The latter is that she has announced that I must be available next year to spend time with her when she comes to visit family members. I explained that I can’t promise anything because of the care of my older parents and my need to be available. She was furious (it is a whole year away! Can’t you promise me that time?!) And continued to scold me by SMS in all the ways I am a bad friend and has to evaluate whether I want to continue our friendship. Not me!

I have avoided her so far, but is there a better way to end this? I am not doing well with conflicts.

– Get stuck with a bad friend

Dear friend: It sounds like she has given you an off-disaster. She may have meant the comment about evaluating whether you want to continue your friendship as a threat to drop you in line, but you can and must take it at nominal value. You have evaluated and decided that it doesn’t work for you. It sounds like it doesn’t work for her either. If you want to prevent you from being ordered again, write her a letter. It doesn’t have to be vengeful or cruel. Indeed, you can find the most peace in separating with love, recognizing the time you had together and wish her the best.

Dear Eric: I have a good friend of more than 40 years who lives in a very large and expensive city. When I travel there, I will often ask if my wife and I can stay with her.

She is familiar with some of our friends who live in this city, but they never see unless I come to the city, nor they hand out her when I am not there. However, if we are there and she joins us, she tends to recommend the conversation, in the first place about herself and her family members, who is unpleasant for me and our friends. It makes me not really want to invite her to most of these visits.

I really enjoy her friendship and her company, but more when we are alone. I try to answer her generosity by taking her to dinner or cooking for her, and spending time together during the visit.

I asked other friends if I should feel obliged to invite her when I would see people she knows somewhat. They seem to think that I should not feel obliged. I don’t have a lot of guilty feelings about her to come, but I would also like to see my friends without her if I want, without guilt. I don’t know how to tackle this problem because it is uncomfortable to tell her that she can be absorbed in her conversation.

Is there no ideas? I know that I can pay for a place to stay, but it is nice to be able to save money by staying with her.