England’s Ashes humiliation was more a series of disappointments than a ‘series of our lives’ | Ali Martin

It was billed by Brendon McCullum as ‘the series of a lifetime’, but as he and Ben Stokes looked towards the podium to see Steve Smith and Pat Cummins lift the crystal Ashes trophy under an azure sky, the optimism that preceded this failed campaign felt like a lifetime ago.

They landed in Perth two months ago with what they and many thought was an aggressive, dynamic England side, finally ready to challenge Australia’s aging champions after three miserable tours. Cue a 4-1 humiliation, offset by a maelstrom win in Melbourne, but with the Ashes already lost in 11 days.

This was the last day of English regret, the last rites only salting the wounds when Alex Carey froze the target of 160 at 2.30pm with a juicy cover drive, five wickets behind. There was never really any doubt, with Stokes standing there helplessly slipping after another injury, always wishing he had more runs to work with; that the catches had stuck earlier in the match, or that his batters had made better use of a good delivery in their first innings.

There were positives in the match. Jacob Bethell extended his maiden Test century to 154, an innings of rare quality from a rookie who grew up living the prophecies of Sir Garfield Sobers and Brian Lara. Josh Tongue finished with 18 wickets at 20 runs a pop. Australia’s struggles with his angle and pace will hopefully give him confidence for future encounters.

But Tongue was parachuted in at a 2-0 deficit, while Bethell had already determined the destination of the urn. And over the course of seven weeks, since a somber hour of batting was followed by the first of Travis Head’s three winding centuries, it has felt as if England were always behind; ill-prepared and then confused when Stokes began preaching perseverance, McCullum still preached coldness, and Mitchell Starc enjoyed a stellar run of 31 wickets and the Compton-Miller Medal.

As Australia basked in an all-too-familiar afterglow and said goodbye to Usman Khawaja – his final act in Test cricket was a sajdah on the SCG outfield after walking out through a guard of honor – Richard Gould, CEO of the England and Wales Cricket Board, announced an all-too-familiar review. His assignment? “Planning and preparation, individual performance and behavior, and our ability to adapt and respond effectively as circumstances require.”

Planning and preparation – meaning England being half-ready – is something McCullum and Rob Key, the team director, have already got their hands on. But ‘behavior’ is interesting. Because a large part of this regime is about behavior, because it is set up in such a way that it is loose and fun: a close-knit group that also enjoys itself off the field. According to Marcus Trescothick’s comment about the dangers of driving up in Perth and Brisbane not being discussed with the players, it is also a comment that keeps the technical conversation to a minimum.

This relaxed approach has revived some of the older, pandemic-worn players in the early stages; players like Stokes himself, Jonny Bairstow, Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad. But as products of the Andy Flower era, they already had the basics in them. For the newer breed, this is pretty much all they have ever known. And after collecting around 17 catches in Australia, blowing good positions with the bat and feeding Head’s cut shot to the point of it, given a diet in January, the result is a missed opportunity.

Australian readers may want to rein in a bit here, as their home team is in second place for much of a series they have dominated. They have provided excellent, resourceful cricket, using clutch moments and catches instinctively. And they have also overcome high-profile absentees such as Cummins for all but one Test (which Smith sat out), Josh Hazlewood for all five, and Nathan Lyon since his hamstring popped in Adelaide. The quiet Scott Boland, 20 wickets, has put on a clinic in thumping, metronomic discipline.

For England, Brydon Carse refused to give up and although he leaked runs, he was a wicket-taker. Tongue and Bethell leave with improved reputations, while Joe Root ticks the last hole in his CV (twice). But even though Jofra Archer made his mark, he was still one of the four fastest to break. Matt Potts was ignored on the final day, as was Shoaib Bashir for the entire tour. They chose the buck-each-way Will Jacks, who had good and bad moments.

Others simply cringed, whether it was the once-productive opening alliance of Ben Duckett and Zak Crawley, or Ollie Pope’s slide from the touchline. Jamie Smith was outmatched by Carey in both facets, while Harry Brook left those in Australia stunned, noting his hand-eye talent but also questioning his cleverness at times. When news of a late-night altercation with a bouncer during the Ashes tour of New Zealand emerged after Gould’s statement on the final day, everyone questioned them.

One of the tenets of McCullum’s approach is that players should not become so preoccupied with cricket that they miss out on the best years of their lives, blessed as they are to travel the world to play sport. However, England missed out on cricket during this tour.