Dear Abby: Waiting and waiting for the cheater’s apology

Dear Abby: I have been married for 50 years and recently remembered that my husband cheated on me with several women. He admitted to one affair, but swears he only saw her twice and they only had sex once. He says I’m imagining the other two. He has not apologized for the one he admitted to and refuses to talk about it or the other two, even though I can see them in my mind’s eye and feel them in my gut.

Right now I’m angrier about his lies than I am about anything that happened decades ago. Am I wrong for wanting the truth so I can get angry, deal with it, and then forgive him? I also want a sincere apology. – Heart disease in Texas

Dear Heartbroken: You don’t need ‘the truth’ to get angry. You’re already as angry as can be. What you want is an apology from your cheating spouse, and you’re not going to get that. Discussing this with a licensed marriage and family therapist can help you release some of your anger and move on.

Dear Abby: Two of my mother’s best friends ended their friendship with her after almost 50 years due to political differences. I grew up spending every holiday with these ladies and their families, in addition to summer vacations at the lake and winter ski vacations and everything in between.

One of them is my godmother, and they were both like second mothers to me. Can it be that easy to pretend they were never friends in the first place? Should Mom just accept the change, or can she try to repair friendships? – Sad Son in California

Dear son: When political disagreements run so deep that close friendships are destroyed, I’m sad to say that they often cannot be saved. I’m not sure time can heal the rift when someone is so entrenched in their political beliefs that they would throw away a fifty year friendship. Suggest to your mother that instead of looking back, she could try to cultivate friends who are less controversial.

Dear Abby: I am a 75 year old therapist who was virtually a single parent. I still struggle with the guilt of not doing a good enough job with my three adult children, despite trying with the energy and resources I still have. Their father has been virtually absent since our divorce 35 years ago.

How do I get rid of the feeling that my ungrateful adult children don’t respect me, and how do I stop trying to compensate them for their missing parent? There is minimal chance that they will change their attitudes or beliefs at this point. – Wrestling in New Jersey

Best wrestling: Thanks for asking. You must have realized by now that you can’t buy love. As a psychotherapist you are undoubtedly aware that therapists have their own therapists (and many need this support). Because you’re hurting about something you can’t change, realize it’s time to become proactive on your own behalf and consult one.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was created by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.