They have now announced their wedding date, which happens to fall on my birthday. This hit me hard.
My parents have both passed away and my birthday has always been a precious day, full of memories and meaning. It was one of the few days where I really felt celebrated. Now I fear that any future birthday will be overshadowed by their anniversary and the complicated emotions that come with it.
Would it be selfish or inappropriate to ask them to consider another date? I don’t want to cause any drama, but I also feel deeply hurt. How can I deal with this without making things worse?
– TORN BETWEEN MERCY AND SADNESS
BEST TORN: I’m sorry for your disappointment, but the date of your birth is not yours alone.
It is clear that you do not agree with your father-in-law’s choice of a second wife, and I sincerely hope that you will be able to adjust. I don’t think it will go over well if you approach the happy couple and ask them to change the date of their wedding to accommodate you.
DEAR ABBY: I am 67 and my husband is 68. We have been caring for elderly parents for the past six years.
My father-in-law, who had Alzheimer’s, passed away a few years ago. We went through a lot with him as his illness progressed.
My mother-in-law is 87 and does not want to go to a nursing home. She still lives alone, but my sister-in-law and I take turns cooking and bringing her food, and my husband works hard mowing the lawn and doing maintenance and repairs that she can no longer do. Although we are retired, our lives revolve around her needs.
I recently had a conversation with my daughter, my only child. She has three sets of parents: us, my ex and his wife, and her husband’s parents. She said she loves us, but she doesn’t want to take care of any of us. When she retires, she wants to enjoy her retirement, travel and not have to worry about caring for anyone.
Having experienced it myself, I understand her feelings. Nobody want to to do this. At the same time, I’m a little hurt. Everything we have – money, cars, house – is ready to go to her after we pass. Now it looks like we might need it to pay for assisted living.
Abby, is it normal these days for children to refuse to help older parents?
— REVISION OF PLANS IN MISSOURI
BEST REVISION: I don’t know if it has become ‘normal’, but it is not unusual. Woe to any parent who assumes their children will take care of them, because that doesn’t always turn out to be the case. Be happy that your daughter is speaking up now so you can plan accordingly.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was created by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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