The rankings start on Monday! [rings a giant bell like it’s an 18th century Christmas tale] “The rankings start on Monday,” he screams bloody murder at some wretched soul. Okay, enough yelling and let’s get back to business. Wait, another shout: the Dodgers spent more money while 29 other teams do nothing! Marlins will enter the season with a payroll of approximately $60 million, Dodgers 6-hole hitter Kyle Tucker earning $60 million dollars. Good stuff! What happened when Steve Cohen spent so much money that he started changing the game? Was he just a psyop by Rob Manfred to get the Dodgers to spend more money? The Dodgers lineup is so crazy right now. I was joking about the six-hole thing for Kyle Tucker, but it’s not far off. Andy Pages would be most teams’ three-hole hitter; he could platoon out of the nine holes. Hyeseong Kim could be a leadoff hitter in some lineups. For the Dodgers, he could probably start the year in the minors.
So Kyle Tucker went 21/25/.266 in 500 ABs last year and remained committed to “catching a random injury and keeping it hidden from the general public,” which he is now accomplishing in back-to-back seasons. Elias Sports Bureau said the last person to accomplish this was Scuds “Yellow Fever” McFeely in 1906 for the New York Highlanders. Who managed to get gout, and the following year yellow fever because of the leeches doctors used to cure the gout. Scuds managed to keep both secret, even though he regularly made plans in the middle of games. Tucker never made any plans, but he spent months floating around at 75% of his capabilities, which was almost as bad for everyone involved. I’ll admit, I’m optimistic about Tucker this year, even though there’s a good chance he’ll get a piece of paper in April, leave it unattended, and end up having to be amputated due to his inattention. This all feels anecdotal, though, and at 29 years old to start the season, he doesn’t need to be washed, and those were incredibly fortuitous injuries. Honestly, I think he’ll probably be a steal if the early ADP holds up. He’s a 30/30/.270 hitter without the anecdotes, and hopefully he can avoid the Scuds comps. Projections for 2026: 86/29/91/.271/23 in 511 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for fantasy baseball 2026:
Psyche! All of my 2026 fantasy baseball rankings are on the Patreon. Don’t wait for the rankings to be announced next month. Anyway II, the summary:
Ranger Suarez – Signed with the Red Sox. Wow, the Red Sox signed someone. I can’t believe it. They really did it, those old bastards. Amazingly, the very small market Boston Red Sox have signed a free agent. Sure, they go into July and trade him to a team that wants to pick up the contract, but they did it. Those old who-he-who-sies! Ranger Suarez is results over stuff. Those results? They play. He has a 3.38 ERA in 762 IP. They even play in Fenway because he has a ground ball rate of almost 50%. Ranger Suarez is one of those non-flashy fantasy draft picks that people in your league roll their eyes at and always helps the person who drafted him. He won’t win your league, but he will put up a top 30 starter year every year while costing about a top 50 starter pick. Now the voice-to-text bots in Boston have to figure out who the hell Ranjaswaez is. 2026 projections: 12-7/3.59/1.21/150 in 155 IP.
Jos Lowe – Traded to the angels. Here’s what the Angels saw: “Anyone can hit homers in Big Stein” is swung around in Josh Lowe’s mouth and then spit out and he shakes his head, “I don’t like that one.” He hit 11 HRs last year, had a 9+ launch angle, and hit 46.2% ground balls, which seemed like a high LA for that many ground balls, but it was comparable to Gunnar, Tatis, and Brenton Doyle, to name a few (there were a lot, it wasn’t that obscure a combination). Lowe’s (has great patio furniture!) also had better flyball rates in recent years and is probably closer to a 20/25 player, but it has some serious warts. Hit .220 with a 25.1 K% and it wasn’t just bad luck. Plus, he can’t seem to stay on the field, and he never has to deal with lefties. He could absolutely bounce back, but it’s a lottery ticket, which is basically the entire Angels team, and no one can tell you what you’re going to get from Lowe. Projections for 2026: 57/14/52/.241/19 in 408 ABs
Gavin Lux – Traded to the Rays. Wow, Gavin Lux is on the cusp of becoming a world-class center reliever. Gavin Lux shot 5/1/.269 in 140 games in a hitter’s park last year. Can a player hit negative home runs in 150 games played? The A&E bio on Juan Pierre says no, but Gavin Lux could approach those negative numbers. Projections for 2026: 68/5/52/.264/3 in 437 ABs
Brock Burke – Traded to the Reds, which is also important for our purposes, but Gavin’s departure means Sal Stewart is back for the Reds’ opening day.
Ryan Weers – Traded to the Yankees for four prospects, Dillon Lewis, OF Brendan Jones, IF Dillon Jason and IF Juan Matheus, and maybe you, if you were in the Yankees’ system. So prior to this trade, Weathers was drafted at 455 on average. Will it go up next? Okay, why? Does it move up a bit because of a better chance of winning? Meh, okay, but isn’t the parking switch much worse? On average, Weathers was called up after Ronny Henriquez, who is out for a year. Granted, some of that precedes the injury news about Ronny. If you sort ADP over the last two weeks, Kyle Finnegan was ahead of Weathers. You know Finnegan, the man behind Kenley Jansen in the closer pecking order in Detroit. In the last two weeks, Weathers was drafted at 396 overall. I keep talking about his ADP because I think the hype will be sick now. Where does Weathers go when Rodon and Cole return? Pen? Is he already injured because he never stays healthy? Prolly a little bit of both. I saw someone project Weathers for 133 IP and I have to say they shouldn’t let the players project their own innings. Weathers has had 125 IPs over the past two years. He has great stuff, but can he stay on the field? I want to say no, but I don’t know, maybe for the first time ever. Stranger things have happened. Like Stranger Things finally ending after ten years. That’s something strange. Projections for 2026: 9-4/3.87/1.23/87 in 94 IP
Nolan Arenado – Traded to the Diamondbacks for $31 million. I mean! They traded him for a random 8th round pick. An RHP, I think. But in reality, they traded him for $31 million. If you’re lining up to pay money to get Nolan Arenado off your team, stay in line. Ken Kendrick, the owner of DBags, did this deal so he could buy another Honus Wagner card, right? I mean, nothing else makes sense. Ken Kendrick is also involved in a heated rap battle with Dra Drake. Do you know who this hurts the most? You guessed it! Jordan Lawlar! The Dbags’ least favorite prospect ever. Well, after Max Scherzer, who they traded almost immediately when he started looking good. Hey, they gave Lawlar a total of 97 MLB at-bats over three seasons while he played behind other guys. What do you want? To give him a real chance? I’m going in your general direction. As for Arenado, do you want Chinese food? Great, I have this restaurant’s menu at this open window. [walks over and picks up menu] Oh, strange, the menu says that the restaurant no longer exists since 2019– [falls out window] Torenado, save me! AHHH!!! [But since there’s no Torenado to pick up a falling body, I fall into a dumpster below my window and the lid shuts] Hey, can someone get me out of this dumpster? Everyone? Projections for 2026: 53/17/62/.231/3 in 443 ABs
Nolan Gorman – Was helped by the departure of Nolan Arenado. Last year, Gorman went 14/1/.205 in 351 ABs. His extra at-bats can be summed up with the idiom: our loss is his gain. Projections for 2026: 54/19/64/.202/3 in 446 ABs
Willie Castro – Signed with the Rockies. Zac Veen and Jordan Lawlar should start their own team. Call themselves the Prospblocked, play in Hoboken in the shadow of NYC, and have their mascot be a sun in the middle of an eclipse. Projections for 2026: 63/13/48/.253/17 in 476 ABs
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