The worst to say to someone who is depressed

Researchers still don’t understand it What exactly causes depression. But what is clear is: it has nothing to do with waking up and just choosing not to appreciate all the good things in life.

That is why Claudia Giolitti-Wright, a psychotherapist in New York stands, when customers with a depression again report about what their friends or family members inevitably say to them: “But you have so much to be grateful for!” It is, she believes, the number 1 worst way to respond when someone opens about their struggles in mental health care.

“It implies that gratitude must cancel and suppress depression, while that is simply not how the brain or nervous system works,” she says. “You can absolutely feel numb and be grateful at the same time. You can be successful and think positively about some things and still be depressed. These truths exist side by side, and when we do not contain any room for both, we risk the people who need the most to remain silent.”

There are also other furious reactions. Here there are a few – plus something to say instead.

“It can be worse.”

What to say instead: “What you are going through sounds very painful. I want to understand more.”

If you tell someone that their situation can be worse, you tell him: “Their pain is not legitimate unless it makes a random threshold,” says Giolitti-Wright. It is possible that your friend believes that they do not earn help and worsen the debt and self-accusation that are often associated with depression. (A classic thought in this spirit: “Why am I depressed as other people literally starving or dying?”)

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Instead, respond with curiosity in a way that validates their experience. That is one of the most powerful ways to build a sense of safety in a relationship, because it shows that you are present and compassionate, says Giolitti-Wright.

“Did you try yoga?”

What to say instead: “Would it help to talk about it, or would you prefer that I just sit with you?”

Bending in the downward dog position or taking a walk will not heal someone’s clinical depression. Yet Giolitti-Wright often hears people “unsolicited, very simple and stereotyped advice” offering their struggling friends. “It is absolutely negative – as if the person who has not tried or considered those options,” she says. “But it also puts the burden on them again and implies that their depression is a failure of effort, not a legitimate disorder of mental health care.”

A better approach is to ask if they want to talk about what is going on, what the presence communicates about (possibly unwanted) problem solution. “You give them the power to tell you what they need, instead of just jumping into advice,” says Giolitti-Wright.

“Understand!”

What I have to say instead: “I don’t know exactly what to say, but I’m here.”

Barking against someone to understand it is not useful for more reasons than can count Giolitti-Wright. To begin with: “It implies that the person chooses to feel like this, what is terrible,” she says. Anecdotal she has discovered that it can lead to internalized shame. “Some of my customers are from:” What’s wrong with me? Because I can’t break out of my bad mood. “” She tells them that if it was easy to shock herself out of depression, she would not have a job.

If you are not sure what to say if your friend is struggling, it’s okay to tell that. You don’t have to have the perfect words. What is more important, says Giolitti-Wright, is warm, open and present.

“You are just dramatic.”

What to say instead: “Would you like to support someone to talk about how you feel?”

Accusing someone who is depressed of being dramatic is a “classic” reaction, says Giolitti-Wright-She always hears about it. “It is clearly invalid and it can be harmful to women who are already confronted with this cultural message that equals emotion on rationality,” she says. “It teaches people to suppress emotion instead of exploring what we need when we are depressed.”

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Asking someone if they would like help with the preparation of professional mental health support, on the other hand is one of the best ways to offer support. This can mean that therapist combs folders to find out who accepts or offers new patients in the neighborhood to view their children during appointments.

“Oh, well, everyone sometimes feels like that.”

What to say instead: “That sounds very tough. I am here to support you, as I can.”

This is a well -intended reaction that often comes from a desire to normalize an uncomfortable situation. But instead it minimizes it. Plus: “Depression is not just about being sad,” says Giolitti-Wright; It can lead to symptoms such as fatigue, brain fog, social isolation, suicidal thoughts and weight gain or loss.

She prefers to make it clear that what your friend experiences sound difficult, which “validates the emotional weight and opens the door for a deeper conversation.”

“But you look good.”

What to say instead: “I am really happy that you have shared this with me. You don’t have to pretend to me.”

People often notice that their well-functioning friends look good, but that reflects a “distorted view of depression, where people don’t eat, don’t sleep, don’t go to work, look terrible and don’t shower,” says Giolitti-Wright. “Many people work very hard to mask their symptoms because of the stigma and shame, and for fear of being a burden for their partners or loved ones.”

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That is why you better let your friend know that they can be frank with you. Recognizing that someone can look good and still struggles, encourages authenticity and is an important ingredient of healing, says Giolitti-Wright. “When we meet someone’s depression with curiosity instead of correction, and empathy instead of evaluation or advice, we become part of their healing environment,” she adds. “That can really change someone’s life.”