Good sex with Emily Jamea: vacation -sex

Emily Jamea, Ph.Dis a award-winning sex and coupling therapist and author of the best-selling book of the US Today, Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to create connection and to cultivate passion. You can find her here every month to share her last thoughts about sex.

My client Cara could not stop smiling while she settled in my office. She and her husband had just returned from a long weekend on the beach.

“It was great,” she beamed. “We had sex almost every day. And not just quickies … it was connected, playful and hot.”

This was not typical of Cara and Jake, who had been together for 22 years. Perimenopause has taken a huge toll from Cara, who had always had a relatively positive relationship with her body and sexuality. The mood swings, weight gain and insomnia that she had struggled for the past five years to manage had created a large decoupling between her and Jake. She had worked with her doctor tirelessly to find the right balance of hormones, but their sex life was lagging behind, although her physical symptoms had improved.

Cara and Jake came to see me in a state of despair and lost hope that they would ever regain the connection they once had. I had given them different tools, but there always seemed to be something – work, one of the children, a medical problem with a aging parent, so they did not prevent what they had learned. And so, as I usually do with customers in this situation, I suggested a weekend away – a chance for uninterrupted time to concentrate on reconnecting.

I was happy to hear that it worked! But as fast as her enthusiasm to tell that the spicy details appeared, I saw it fading, replacing with concern.

“I don’t want to go on vacation to have great sex with Jake. Help me to understand why holiday sex feels so different and – more importantly – how we can recreate that feeling after we get home.”

She is not only in this desire to bottle the holiday sex. Time and again customers tell me that they feel sexually alive on vacation. Studies show that fractures of routine, reduced stress and increased novelty – core characteristics of travel – can help stimulate desire and intimacy, even in the weeks after travel. A study Even discovered that couples who are on holiday on vacation together report higher levels of satisfaction in their relationships and sex lives.

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So what is it about vacation that makes us want to jump in bed so eagerly?

1. You finally breathe out. We live in a culture of chronic stress. Cortisol, the stress hormone, suppresses sexual desire and excitement. On vacation, the e -mail venetter is switched on, the laundry did not pop up and your nervous system can finally relax. This shift from fighting or flight to peace and digesting (and yes – waking and orgasm) mode is essential for sexual pleasure.

Read: the science behind orgasms: what’s going on when you get it up >>

2. You are more present. If we are not distracted by task lists, it is easier to be with our partner in the moment. Sensuality thrives on presence. You will rather notice how the sun of your partner’s skin glints or how your bodies move together in the surf, and that level of coordination creates desire.

3. There is novelty and play. Holidays invite us to explore – new foods, new places and new sides of ourselves. Self -issuance theory suggests that people are motivated to grow their self -feeling by including others in their identity – especially through new, challenging and exciting experiences. In relationships this means that entering into new or stimulating activities with a partner can help any person to feel more connected and alive, which in turn promotes intimacy and desire. When couples experience something new together – such as traveling, trying a new hobby or experimenting in the bedroom – it activates the reward system of the brain and can restore passion by breaking routine and “rediscovering” partners in new ways.

But let’s be honest – most of us cannot always be on vacation. So how do you bring the magic of holiday sex at home?

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This is what I told Cara and what I tell that all my customers crave more passion in their daily lives.

“First of all you know it is still there,” I told her. “You were worried that you would never get your wish back, but it woke up! That is a big win. Now we have to think critically about what worked and discuss how they can apply the same principles at home.”

1. Prioritize intimacy. There will always be someone or something that tries to pull your attention away. This plan only works if you set aside holy, inviolable Time every week. You don’t have to have full sex every week, but having about half an hour to connect physically and emotionally without interruption will prevent the energy from dying out completely.

2. Courage bad behavior. Cara looked at me skeptically. I explained it. You and Jake are burdened by many heavy responsibilities for adults. See what happens when you play Hooky from your work and go out for Margaritas, reminiscent of afternoons on vacation. Sneak a local five -star hotel and use the swimming pool. Such little things are not really ‘bad’, but can go a long way to make you feel playful, what will help stimulate desire.

3. Play with your plans. Just because you are planning when You have sex, don’t mean to plan how you do it. There is still enough room for spontaneity in the types of things that you explore in the time that you strategically set aside. And don’t forget to use this time to explore touch, playfulness or massage without being a goal than connection. When sex becomes a routine item on a checklist, the spark is bubbling.

4. Make a transition. On vacation there is time to relax before bed. Try to make a “buffer zone” at home between your working day and a few times – a walk, a shower, a shared glass of wine. These rituals can help your body rapid and primary for intimacy.

5. Take the time. This is probably one of the most important tools. Holiday sex is not rushed, but sex at home … That is a different story for most people. It takes an average of 12-15 minutes to get into a targeted state. Most people don’t have sex for that long. And many people are worried that if they don’t feel focused immediately, they will just not do. Give your body the time it needs to relax and your mind the time it needs to calm down. Fun will follow.

I reminded Cara and Jake that vacation sex did not go on the beach. It was about their mentality of presence, playing and giving priority to pleasure. Armed with a new perspective and a renewed goal, Cara and Jake left my office that day with a smile, not only from nostalgia, but of possibilities.

In the weeks that followed, they did not step on a flight to Cabo, but they did make meaningful changes. They started ‘sensual Sundays’, where telephones, chores were ignored and they treated the day like a mini -discharge. For a week it was brunch and day drinks. Another it was a shared bath and lazy afternoon in bed. With intention, creativity and play, they have re -enacted a connection that they feared were lost.