Being out was traumatic, but it forced me to accept my sexuality – and to hug –

Being out was traumatic, but it forced me to accept my sexuality – and to hug –

6 minutes, 38 seconds Read

June Pride Month.

As said Nicole Audrey Spector

Growing up, I never really thought about what it meant to be gay, bisexual or trans. I was raised in a Catholic household and subjects of sexuality and gender identity did not occur somehow. At one point I became aware that my cousin was gay, but she was much older and we were not close.

I went to the Catholic school and was taught that the marriage was something that should only exist between a man and a woman.

I have never considered myself something other than straight. In my early 1920s I was in an on-again, off-again a four-year relationship with my living boyfriend, Alex*. Things between us were often rocky, largely because he would often cheat me. We would decide, but then I would take it back.

I worked for a shuttle service at Orlando airport with Marilyn*, a woman I was sure it was gay. She would come by and often talk to me. There was always a bit of flirt on her side, and that didn’t bother me. I even liked it.

I started to look forward to Marilyn’s small visits. And it was not only because she was nice, had a swag about her or had fun. It was because there was a spark between us. We had a real chemistry, which was completely confusing. I was a straight woman who had always been in straight relationships and never felt anything romantic or sexual about a woman.

So how can I get butterflies about a woman? What the hell was me going on with me? To be honest, I didn’t even really know. I just wanted to keep everything simple, safe and familiar. I didn’t make myself think too deeply about Marilyn or my growing feelings for her. Certainly, I didn’t let anyone talk about it with anyone.

2024

Although I was confused and sometimes even emphasized what these new feelings meant, I did not stop hanging around Marilyn. In fact, things escalated. I had to make a trip to Miami and instead of asking Alex to accompany me on the long ride, I asked Marilyn. She said yes. I didn’t tell Alex or someone else.

It was that night in Miami that we kiss for the first time. It was different from any other kiss I had had. It was softer and even more intense. From the moment I felt her lips on mine, I was addicted. Her kissing was like a medicine.

Marilyn and I started spending as much time as we could together. We kept keeping it secret. She was outside, but had good reason to be Hush Hush. The reason? Her girlfriend. Yes, it was all pretty messy.

A month or so after my first kiss with Marilyn, Alex continued because I was always talking and left at work with Marilyn. Once he stopped at the airport during my service without giving me a heads-up. Marilyn and I didn’t make it free or something, but I think it was still clear that we were certainly more than friends.

I would always forgive Alex when he had strayed, understood that he felt really bad about what he had done. But when I came to him crying and begged for forgiveness the night he learned me, he had no compassion. Only anger. In the middle of the night he threw a fit – stormed around the house and tore it apart as he shouted at me. He kicked me in the street. While I went to my car, where I would spend the rest of the night, he called my mother. He knew she was one of the nearest people for me.

“Your daughter cheated on me with a woman,” Alex shouted into the phone as he kicked me out of the house. “She’s getting homeless!”

I could not believe how completely got out of hand that everything had come. I could not believe this person I had ever loved and had given so much of myself, was now in a most threatening way – for my mother. I was injured and scared.

Vanessa and her family, August 2024 (Photo/Kahea Clark)Vanessa and her family, August 2024 (Photo/Kahea Clark)

When I later called my mother, she was upset, but not supportive. She has always wanted nothing more than to be happy for me. On the phone she helped me by leading my feelings and assured me that she would always support. It meant everything to me.

It took a while for everything in my life to calm down and clean up. For a few months I lived with my best friend until I could get back on my feet. At that moment she could not fully understand that I was in love with a woman. She did not seem to completely accept Marilyn, but supported my decision to be the best with her as she knew how.

Once I got my own place, Marilyn then broke up with her partner, into me. But there was just too much drama there, and we broke up three years later.

I moved to California and it was there that I really opened about bisexual. I made it a point to explore my sexuality and be part of the LGBTQ+ community. I became involved in organizing pride events for the company for which I worked. Through that experience I discovered the power and purpose of advocacy.

I have met so many people who have difficulty navigating as LGBTQ+ because they have been avoided by their family or by society in general. I never stop thinking about how happy I have been to have a supporting family. But I have to say, it’s not all smooth sailing.

Some family members assessed my sister’s decision to name me as my niece and cousin mother in the church. Moreover, I did not tell my father that I was bisexual until a year after my mother found out because I thought he would be sad or disappointed. I came to him when I went through some drama on my birthday with Marilyn’s family because I was physically attacked that day by Marilyn’s mother. He got silent and then said, “Why do you keep finding yourself around people like this?”

Vanessa and her partner, Melissa, August 2024 (Photo/Kahea Clark)Vanessa and her partner, Melissa, August 2024 (Photo/Kahea Clark)

That hurt me so much. But over time he came by. He is always nice for my fiancé, Melissa, and makes an attempt to be funny and interested in her life.

It is about 20 years since Alex threw me out of the house that we shared. It is not pleasant to look back on how I was out and kicked out of my house, but I no longer feel broken. I would not go so far to say that I am grateful that he left me, but I am grateful that the experience led me to finally be myself and lived a shame-free life that makes me proud.

I didn’t know how stressful my secret was for me until I was forced to let it go. Once it was gone, life – and love – opened to me.

I have been with Melissa for 15 years and she has shown me what real unconditional love is. I am so much stronger now than then I was. My strength enables me to be there for others who try to find their safe space in the world and to be a voice for people who have none. We don’t all have the privilege to speak. For that reason I will never remain silent again.

*Alex and Marilyn are pseudonyms.

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Our real women, real stories are the authentic experiences of real women. The views, opinions and experiences that are shared in these stories are not endorsed by Healthywomen and reflect not necessarily the official policy or position of healthy women.

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