When someone you care about, you are lying against you, you will probably betray yourself, furious – and maybe even feel foolish, because how could you be duped like that? “People begin to question themselves and how they cannot be aware,” says Christian L. Hart, a professor in psychology at the University of the Woman of Texas, where he leads the human deception laboratory.
If there is any hope to repair the relationship, you have to have a conversation – and exactly what you say is important.
“If you catch someone who lies, how you approach them, dramatically influence how they react,” says Hart. It is best to lower the pressure and not explicitly accuse them of a liar, he adds: “A warm approach tends to be much more productive than accusing. We get a better chance of confessing people when they feel safe, not when they feel closely driven.”
With that in mind we asked experts exactly what to say if you catch someone in a lie.
“I know this will be uncomfortable to talk about, but it’s important.”
Always send facts, not people, advises Pamela Meyer, a fraud investigator and author of Liespotting: proven techniques to detect deception. That means “starting with curiosity and being immediately calm,” she says. “We know from a lot of research that people are much more willing to come forward if they feel that they are dealing with an honest operator.”
Meyer likes to open such conversations: “I have to raise something that is bothering me”, or: “I feel obliged to bring this up.” That is much more powerful than, say, starting by explaining: “I know you lied last week”, which will achieve little except to push the other person in defense mode.
“I am a bit unclear – tell me again what happened on Saturday night.”
If you have not yet discovered the truth, try the funnel approach, Meyer suggests: Start with wide, open questions before you become more specific. It is useful to attach these questions to what she calls ‘prefix bridges’, which mitigate the question and encourage honesty.
‘Instead of saying:’ What form did you fill in? “It would be like:” I’m a bit confused. ‘Instead of saying:’ Did you see John on Saturday? “It would be:” Is it possible that you saw John on Saturday? ” ‘That helps people to feel that they clarify the details of the situation instead of giving up a lie, she says, which means that you get the full story sooner.
“Help me to understand what’s going on here.”
This is another example of a calm, open-end approach making it not seem like you consider the other person a liar, says Hart. You could also tell it: “I don’t think I understand the truth here. Can you help me get the truth?”
Read more: 7 things to say when someone is your gas light
“Usually, when people lie, they assume that the other person is going to believe it, and this indicates that you don’t buy it,” he says. “Sometimes people double up and continue, and sometimes they will shift to a different variation of the lie. But they will often realize that becoming clean is the most effective way to navigate through the conversation.”
“You are really nice to say that, but we know it is not true.”
One of the main reasons why people lie – especially women – is to preserve cohesion in important relationships. They may want to make their partner feel better, or, however misleading, believe that their FIB improves the relationship. “You don’t want to push them away by accident, because their goal is not to drive you away. Their goal is to bring you closer,” says Kevin Colwell, a professor in psychology at Southern Connecticut State University that researches deceit.
He proposes to respond to a communication technique called empathic statement: understand the feelings, needs or wishes of the other person while you are your own. For example: “I appreciate that you told me that I look like a male model, sweetheart, but I know my better days are now behind me.” “You start with something empathetic to bring it together, and then you make your point,” says Colwell. “You try to keep the relationship, because that was in the first place the real reason for the lie.”
“That was impulsive, that thing you said.”
Young people often lie because they are insecure – and you will not get anywhere if you call them at the moment, says Colwell. Instead, later, when they are in a safe place where they feel at ease, you can cause the subject: “Maybe you went a bit too far with what you said before.”
Read more: The 4 words that drive your doctor the wall
“You don’t tell them that they were completely wrong,” he says. The goal is to open a conversation and to create an opportunity for personal growth.
“This does not match what you said before.”
When you use this approach, you don’t immediately call someone a liar. “It’s just an open recognition that what is now said does not match what was said earlier,” says Hart. “That enables someone to rectify the situation, and what we think is that people will often get clean and tell the truth:” Oh, what I really meant was … “.”
“Here is one thing I know.”
If you have already tried other techniques and your friend will not come clean – but you know for sure that they lie – you can use the “strategic use of evidence”, says Hart. Phrases it like that: “Let me tell you something that I know.”
Read more: 8 things to say during a fight with your partner
“It’s that power dynamics and let the liar know that you might already have the truth, or a large part of the truth,” he says. “Then they are more likely to fold and not to keep it up in the lie.”
“It is really important that we have an honest relationship and I want to be honest with you. I hope you will be honest with me.”
It doesn’t matter who you talk to your child, a new romantic interest, your second cousin-two-removal-the relationship will only flourish if it is based on honesty. It is not necessary to get words: if you catch someone in a lie, remind him that honesty is the basis of trust and respect, and something that you both have to bind to. “The goal is to work hard every day to be as honest as possible,” says Hart. “Honesty is a habit that requires practice, and sometimes it is difficult to do. The more we practice, the more we can penetrate those difficulties.”
Are you wondering what to say in a difficult social situation? E -Mail timetotalk@time.com
#lies