Life is busy for Mama-Van-Drie Bec Nolan, and her mother’s help was always something she appreciated.
That dynamic shifted when BEC’s mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s dementia, who has been quickly advanced in recent years.
“It’s not just a loss of your mother, but a loss of support,” says the 39-year-old from Brisbane/Meanjin.
‘And sometimes you may have a worthless day and you just want to call your mother.
“Now it calls to check her and make sure she did things, such as going for a walk.”
BEC says that the mental charge of three children of eight years old and younger, while running a household with a man who works for long hours and is now taking care of her mother, is “ruthless”.
“It’s tiring, there is always something to do.”
Earlier this week, ABC Radio shared stories from some of the 1.5 million Australians who at the same time raise children while they take care of parents aging, known as the sandwich generation.
We spoke with BEC to hear about her experience in taking the primary caring role for her children and her mother.
These are her words.
‘It happened earlier than I thought’
My grandparents both had the dementia of Alzheimer’s, so it was always in mind that this was a possibility.
But it was only within a few years that she stopped working that she really started to deteriorate. It happened earlier than I thought.
It improved quickly. At first it was small things we noticed, when she took her permit.
And then she actually became much more dependent on myself and my brother and her partner.
I should go and clean up her fridge and order her groceries.
I would make agreements, take her, keep track of everything.
It was like the mental load of almost another child.
BEC says most days that she is exhausted. ((Delivered))
And the other we had to do was deal with the elderly care system. I could spend a whole day with only the actions of my older care.
I can’t even tell you the waiting times, for reviews, approvals … You try to manage those Life Admin for her, as well as mine, my husband and my children.
I am an occupational therapist, but because I am not working in that role at the moment, the responsibilities often fall for me, although I have three young children and I am still busy.
Societaal it falls for the women in the family.
The emotional toll
Then there is the emotional side, which is really demanding.
Mama would cry and say she is lonely, she could not be alone, to pick her up.
She always wanted to stay at our house.
But because of some things related to Alzheimer’s dementia, that became really difficult.
I had no patience behind after the children and then had to deal with Mama.
And she didn’t understand.
That was when I felt the most overwhelmed.
So then it shifted to me to take her during the day and drop her house, make sure she needed what she needed, such as meals and medication, and my brother would take over for the evening.
My oldest daughter is eight and she will sometimes remind me if I get frustrated that Mama sometimes can’t help her.
It’s sweet. She is really patient.
The care does not stop old care
Bec Nolan says that her oldest daughter reminds her of being compassionate. ((Delivered))
When Mama got worse, we knew it was time to go into the old care.
She had a lot of anger towards me.
And it was really hard to just find somewhere. Some places would not take her because she was too “bad”, some places said she was too “good”.
And that is a busy time of touring places, filling in paperwork, meeting people, dealing with the financial adviser.
You think you get them somewhere, that’s it. But it isn’t.
The first place was terrible and then we had to find her new somewhere.
And although she is much happier and has made some friends, it doesn’t stop.
Yesterday I was visiting and she had lost her phone. So we spent our time looking for it.
I manage a group chat with her friends and a family to ensure that someone visits her every day or at least every day.
We still receive phone calls from the Elderly Care House to ask about medicines, doctor’s visits – everything.
It’s going on. There is so much going on.
‘Just be the daughter’
I am not thinking about going back to work, but that would be a factor.
If I want to go back to work, how do I fit all this?
I have seen a psychologist to go through many things.
Learning that certain things are not my responsibility.
Because I am an OT, I felt a lot of responsibility to organize care for her – I should be able to do that.
But as my psychologist said, I am not her therapist. I just have to be the daughter.
I love my mother very much.
She spent many years of her life for me.
And although the change in roles is difficult, I must not forget that it is a privilege that I can show her the love and care that she needs in her later years.
Loading …
#daughter #tribe #care #aging #parent