Dear Eric: My son will be 13 soon, just like my niece. They were born apart for a week.
I usually organize a family pool party for my son’s birthday. My brother and his wife do not arrange a family celebration for their daughter. (They also have a nice garden with a swimming pool.) Instead, they have a party for her and her friends without inviting a family.
When they show up for my son’s feast, family members arrive with gifts for my niece and I feel that my son has to share his birthday with his cousin every year.
My brother and his wife do not contribute financially with or with preparations, serving, cooking or cleaning up, so essentially I also give their daughter a party.
A few years ago I suggested that we combine parties with which they matched, but because I had ‘more people than she’, my mother forbade me to ask them. I told this to my sister -in -law when she tried to give me money and, instead of being on, she liked to put her money back in her wallet.
They earn more money than me. I am a divorced mother of one income.
I am sure this is not the fault of my niece, but how do I communicate with them that I don’t want to share my son’s birthday?
– Feeling frustrated and used
Best frustrated: Her intentions may have been good, but your mother’s edict was not useful. I am not entirely sure why she feels the need to place herself in this. You are an adult, just like your sister -in -law; It is nothing of her matters how the costs are split.
And it is logical that you share the burden if this has become a de facto joint party over the years. After having done more than a decade of this, it would not be surprising to discover that your family members consider all this as the party of both cousins.
It is more than okay to re -view the conversation with your brother and sister -in -law, the reality of what is going on and to work together on a solution. And if your mother has thoughts or questions, don’t tell her to worry about it.
Another thing you may want to consider is the possibility that this party is about to change. Talk to your son about how he wants to celebrate. Perhaps he is really enthusiastic for a party -oriented party. That is perhaps very healthy for him and a lot of fun.
However, if you change it, I would inform the family so that they can adjust their expectations and nobody accuses you of underbidding your niece.
Dear Eric: In response to the husband, eight months sober and self -descriptive as a healing alcoholic, who asked about the constant funk of his wife (“husband on eggshells”), I offer my own personal experience.
My husband spent about 10 years in the grip of an addiction to street drugs, with periods of austerity that sometimes take more than eight months.
He is now sober for almost 10 years and something that I have noticed, which may be true for the couple described in the column, is that I remember much more of his addiction than he did. I have a clearer and more accurate memory of the danger, lying, fear, the falling, stealing.
It was one lot From work, so I’m resenting too.
When I am completely honest, I sometimes feel almost jealous that my husband can be so irresponsible for all those years, then have a redemption story and to come to his own thriving and bright future.
Me? There are only stories to keep everyone alive and housed, ungrateful and often during screaming, that would do more harm than good to share-no celebration, no self-actualization, only the end of a crisis that did not make mine.
I was probably in a funk for a few years. It requires personal therapy, and much of it to find real joy in the restoration of my own husband. And to let go of the kind of vigilance that I needed so many years, just to keep him alive.
– Been there
Best been there: This is a very useful and insightful perspective. I am happy that you have been able to navigate the complex emotions that originated for you after your husband has become sober.
This letter is a good memory that when a person changes into a family, it changes the whole unit. But it doesn’t change the past. Each member of the unit will have a different relationship than that past.
We must be responsible for our own feelings, as you have been, but, as some recovery communities say, time takes time.
Send ask for R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter on Rericthomas.com.
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